Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Being okay with the Silver medal

I had a thought recently.  It may have even been an epiphany.  I hope so, since I haven't had one of those for awhile.  I'm overdue for an epiphany.

It's about winning at recovery. 

Every day is tough during this recovery time.  Every day I have to tell myself to eat, and what to eat, and how much, and to also tell myself to not obsess about these things, but that they are super important, and that it's okay if I have a lapse, but not really because all lapses make my recovering period last longer, and I should really stick to my meal and movement plans, and take my meds, and keep my ED treatment team. (Holy run-on sentence, Batman!)

Every day is a struggle right now, and most days I just don't feel like it. 

I wake up and don't even want to do the bare minimum.  My eating disorder and my depression both tell me to stay in bed.  To stay home, call in.  To binge.  To restrict.  To weigh myself and plan for the next diet, the one that will WORK.  To distract myself from my feelings with binge-watching TV while binge-eating anything and everything.

I almost immediately make a recovery goal for  myself in the morning.  It usually goes something like this:  Today I'm going to stick to my meal plan, log my food and feelings, NOT BINGE, and love and accept my body as it is.  I sometimes also set a movement goal for the day, like swimming or going for a walk after work. 

The day goes on, and I very rarely reach all or even some of those goals.  So I feel like a failure, because I didn't earn a "gold medal" for the day.

However, I always make it to work, and I never plan for the next diet anymore, and my binges are much more rare than they used to be.

Therefore, sure, I didn't get the gold, but I sure as heck didn't let my depression or eating disorder decide the day for me.  I end up somewhere in the middle.  And that's okay.

I'm trying to learn to be happy for my silver medals.  So long as I keep reaching for the gold, but knowing that silver is still a huge accomplishment, things should continue to get better for me and my recovery.


me, finally enjoying my hobby of playing the bassoon again!
Life is slowly but surely becoming more balanced and fun.

Friday, June 5, 2015

We have to stop the negative body talk!

Do you see anything other than a group of happy young women at a bowling alley?  A group of friends having a great time?  A group of beautiful, smart, capable, and friendly women? 

Notice anything about them besides their smiles, matching shirts, and perhaps that they are all white, half blonde/half brunette women?

Many of the people in this picture see none of those things.  All they see when I posted this picture online was how fat they are.

I had such a great time last night hanging out with my friends (who also happen to be my co-workers) at a charity bowling event.  We laughed, won a couple of silly trophies (best dressed team and lowest team score), ate some pizza, drank some beer, danced, had a wonderful time, and raised tons of money for a great cause.

So I fully expected to come to work today and talk about all the fun times we had! 

Instead, I hear variations of this:  "Look at my rolls!" "I need to go back to sugar free eating!" "I'm going to hit the gym now!" "Ew, look at how fat I am!" etc.

And it breaks my heart.  Because I have been working so hard to get past that mentality.

And that is just so NORMAL to do when looking at pictures of oneself, especially as a woman.  They seemed to find such commaraderie with each other today, talking about how they needed to lose weight by such and such a date, or how they hate their stomachs, or how they need to stop eating junk and to start using their gym memberships and to stop being lazy.


It was, honestly, tempting to join in on the body hate talk.  But I tried to refrain.  I told them that they are beautiful and that their bodies look great, and that what's important is how happy we look in the pictures. 

Here's a close up of a very happy me, showing off the "lowest score" trophy:

That's a happy lady right there.  I was totally in the moment, enjoying myself and not worried about if the picture would show a double chin or if the shirt would cling to my stomach in an unflattering way.

My eating disorder recovery isn't over, but I am glad to say that I have become a much more body positive person, and have been able to have many of these "in the moment" moments that I never thought were possible in the past. 

I ate pizza and drank beer around a lot of beautiful women, all of whom are thinner than I am (I'm not saying this in a "bad" way, just stating a fact.  I am the largest woman in my office).  And I didn't once have a self conscious, "They are probably all judging me for eating this, I shouldn't eat this" thought.  I was able to be in the moment and enjoy myself completely.

And that's amazing.

We all deserve that.