TOTAL body acceptance.

I am writing my own diet addiction recovery plan, based on personal experience, research, professional help that I have received since my EDNOS recovery 8 years back, and Mom's words of wisdom ringing in my ears.  I have figured out the first three steps, and have already blogged about one:  End food and exercise guilt.  Now it's time to talk about the second step.

Total body acceptance.

This is much easier said than done.  What do I mean by "total body acceptance"?  

It means that I have to put weight loss on the back burner.  I have to love my body EXACTLY as it is right now.  I have to appreciate it for not only what it can do (YAY I can walk, and not everyone can!  YAY I can see, hear, process information easily, dance [no skill, but I can try!], run, lift weights, play with my dogs, etc.).  But I also have to appreciate its appearance.

In all its glory.  Every inch. Including the hips that I currently loathe and the pimple on my chin.  Okay, maybe not the pimple, but everything else!  

And this is really tough for me.  But I am beginning to understand this part of Intuitive Eating (the book).  There was a chapter about accepting the body that you currently have, and throughout the book it says that in order to be an intuitive eater, you must be willing to put your weight loss in the back of your mind.

That totally makes sense to me now.  Every time that I have tried to follow IE in the past, I have still been mentally counting calories, and beating myself up when I wasn't engaging in diet behaviors.  I tried to push those thoughts away, but I just couldn't, and every time I did IE I would end up not losing weight quickly, which would get me back on a diet.  I hated my body and wanted it to change as quickly as possible.

I want this painting now.  Thanks, Google...

Maybe the ticket to getting the body that I want is to love the body that I have.  It's that whole "have what you love, love what you have" thing. Of course, if I ever truly love the body that I have, then I don't need to change it anymore at all.  And being an intuitive eater doesn't always lead to weight loss.  I may have messed up my metabolism so much from all of this yo-yo-ing around to the point where my body wants to be a size 18.  I don't know.  

I kind of doubt that, though.  Really, I believe that if I start loving my body, I will treat it better by feeding it healthier things and moving it around more, and that will just naturally lead to a bit of weight loss.  I believe the Intuitive Eating book where it says that my body will naturally get to its healthy weight eventually (which may or may not be considered "normal" per the BMI scale, but is healthy for ME - I highly suspect that I will still be a little overweight by those standards).  

However, total body acceptance means RIGHT NOW I need to accept my body, without any secret hopes for weight loss.  It's basically answering that age old question:  

If you knew that you would never gain or lose any weight and would always look exactly like this no matter what, 

how would you treat your body?

I'm getting better at total body acceptance.  One day at a time.  One of the things that I didn't like about being so big was that no clothes looked good on me. 

But I figured something out recently by shopping at Torrid:  There are clothes out there that make me feel beautiful.  They are expensive, though.  So one thing that I do need to work on is getting more money.  Oh yeah, I'm in school!  One day I will have a job that will let me buy whatever clothes I want (well, within reason.  But way more money than I currently make, which is zero).  So maybe the focus shouldn't be on getting smaller so that I can fit into cheap clothes, maybe the focus should be getting more educated in order to make enough money to buy more expensive clothes.  Sounds like a win-win to me.

Anyway...  I guess that I should wrap up this ridiculously long post.  I'm excited to begin the journey of total body acceptance.

a little perspective...

July 2011 - 146 pounds

I actually stumbled across this on Google images, while researching cellulite, LOL.

I forgot that how tiny I got a couple of years ago. I remember only kind of liking this picture back then. How crazy is my perception of myself?

This picture first made me a little sad, because I am currently 43 pounds heavier than I was in it.

But here's the thing: I am learning to love my body as it is NOW. How I ate back then was clearly not sustainable for me. I'm working towards self-acceptance, furthering my recovery from EDNOS by letting go of the ideas of perfection, nurturing myself by cooking and exercising most days, and really learning to enjoy both.

I'm happier with my body TODAY than I was 43 pounds lighter. Because I appreciate it more. I love it more.




March 2013 - 189 pounds

And oh yeah, I've learned that life is short. I have spent way too many days crying about FAT. I'm no longer willing to waste my precious time feeling terrible about things that I have no control over. (Yes, you may say that I DO have control over my body size, and you are mostly right, but I cannot change it IMMEDIATELY.) All I have control over today are my choices.

And I choose to eat (mostly) healthy food, to exercise (almost) daily, and to love myself and my body unconditionally. Join me, won't you?

JUNK FOOD (the chip clip people)

I will start this post by admitting (once again) that I am eating junk food every day. 

But for me, this is actually a victory.

Let me explain.

For years, ever since age 11 or so, I have had an unhealthy relationship with food.  I've considered myself addicted to some foods, and to be an emotional eater, a closet eater, an anorexic, a binge-eater, and a chronic dieter, to name a few...

I would always be amazed when I went into someone's house and saw a bag of chips with a CHIP CLIP on it, as if the idea of not eating the entire bag in one sitting was impossible for me.  I didn't know what these people who could keep junk food in the house without obsessing about it.

Some examples of my obsessive thoughts about junk food in my house:

"When will I be alone so that I can eat it?" 

"Why was I so stupid to buy this junk food?"

"WTF is wrong with me?"

"It's okay, I can eat them later..." 

"When can I eat the whole thing???" 

"Why did I eat the whole thing???"

"DON'T eat it.  Just keep it as a reminder of the fat pig that you used to be."

"Why am I torturing myself?"

"Just eat it, then start over tomorrow!"

"And never buy these again." 

"Bad girl for buying these!"

"Good girl for not eating these yet!"

"Bad girl for eating all of these!"

"Good girl for only eating a couple!"

"Bad girl for buying them in the first place.  Seriously, NEVER AGAIN."

"If they weren't here, I wouldn't have eaten them.  STUPID."

And on and on and on.

Whenever I tried Intuitive Eating, I would end up eating mostly junk food.  This was probably because I was still looking at IE as a diet, and I knew that some day it would be over, and that I wouldn't be allowed to eat chips and cookies every day anymore.  Because no one can eat those daily and  be healthy, right?!

Now that I have truly let go of emotional eating, and am allowing myself to truly eat whatever I want without restriction (besides staying within a very generous calorie range and trying to listen to my hunger signals), I am able to enjoy a moderate amount of junk food every day.

I'm finally one of the chip clip people.  I have a box of cookies in the pantry, and a couple of bags of chips.  I enjoy some every evening that I want to, and that has been most evenings these days.  They fit effortlessly into my daily calories, and I am able to stop after a serving or two EVERY TIME.

No longer do I experience true cravings for junk food.  There is no need to crave it, because I can have it today, and again tomorrow, and again the day after that, indefintely. 

That part of Intuitive Eating that I was missing, the part about unconditional permission to eat...  I'm finally there.  And I'm enjoying copious amounts of healthy meals, alongside some junk food every day (see yesterday's Tasty Tuesday).  And I'm 100% okay with this.

Forbidden fruit?  Not any more!  Goodbye, chip fantasies.

One side effect of this is that it's no longer exciting to go down the chips aisle at the grocery store, because I'm no longer thinking "this may be the last time that I will buy this, because I may decide to do a no-junk-food-challenge again soon".  Having chips always available to me has really taken away some of their allure.  Which is  HUGE victory for me.

I think that eventually, if I continue along this path, I will no longer want junk food every day.  But for now, I do.  And that's okay.  My food diary is a judgement-free zone.

I'm a rebel.

There is something that I really want to share with you guys, and yet part of me is really reluctant to do so. 

And the crazy part is, it's something good.

Crazier still is that it's relevant to this blog.

There's a reason that I'm reluctant to tell you guys.  The reason is that I'm scared of my own rebellion.

I'm a rebel against my own success.

Here's the dirt:  I'm doing really well with my eating and exercise.  I feel GREAT about those things right now.  I feel 100% in control, and that I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.  On top of that, I'm seeing results!!!

My pants got bigger!

Why was that so hard for me?!

Here's why:  Every time I blog about how well I'm doing, I end up almost immediately doing terribly.

I don't know exactly why that is, but it's something that needs to stop.

Because I shouldn't only blog about food and eating when I'm doing terribly with those things.  I shouldn't only blog about food and eating when I'm trapped in some absurd diet and/or EDNOS mentality.  I shouldn't only blog about food and eating when I'm feeling like crap about it all.

I need to blog when things are good.  And blogging about the good times needs to be a positive experience instead of something for me to rebel against.

For whatever reason, when I tell the world how well I'm doing, I rebel against that.  Like now that you all know that things are groovy, I might as well let myself go a bit.  Does that make any sense?  Are any of you rebels like me?

Anyway, I'm just here to tell you that as far as diet and exercise go, I'm doing REALLY well right now.

And I feel like I may have finally (GULP) let go of my disordered eating thoughts.

I should probably repeat that last part:  I may have let go of my disordered eating thoughts!!!

I'm not saying that they are gone for good (fingers crossed, though) but I'm saying that right now, those thoughts are dead.

Yes, I'm tracking my calories on My Fitness Pal.  No, I'm not cooking every day, or eating healthy every meal, or binge-eating every night.

I'm not obsessing about the calories, or the quality of my food.  I'm tracking just because it feel like the right thing to do right now.

Stopping to smell the roses...

It's just like my exercise.  I'm not doing it just to burn calories anymore, and that is why I'm enjoying it more. Maybe because I'm tracking my calories in a non-obsessive way, I'm enjoying it more.

I'm not anyone's judge, not even my own.

My food intake doesn't define me.  

I can eat 2300 calories one day and 1300 the next, and feel equally satisfied with my choices both days.  And I'm fine with that.

I have a bag of Baked Cheetos in my cabinet, and a bag of Hershey's Bliss dark chocolate hearts in my freezer, and I don't even care.  I can eat them when I want to.  Or not.

Food is NOT constantly on my mind.  Neither is exercise.  

I'm eating WHATEVER I want, including ridiculously healthy meals and some meals that most would consider to be just giant snacks.

I'm exercising 5 days a week(-ish), three of those being run days, and I'm loving how strong my legs and lungs are getting.

most recent run!

I'm tracking it all on My Fitness Pal in a non-judgmental way.

And I'm getting stronger.  And smaller.  And happier.

Wow...

a runner's body

Have you ever seen someone running along the street or at a nearby treadmill and thought to yourself "Some day I will have a runner's body like that!"?

I know that I have.

I think that most people have an idea of what a runner's body should look like, and many of us strive for that ideal when we begin to run or to think about running.

I know that I had those thoughts quite often in the past.  They motivated me to want to run.  I was more about getting that long, lean, look than I was about being a runner.

But I had an epiphany recently, while I was running.

Here's what I realized:  Right now, at this very moment, I HAVE A RUNNER'S BODY.

You wanna know how I know that?  Because I am a runner.

There is no reason to strive for some "ideal" that is likely unrealistic for most people, especially for those of us who cannot devote every day to running and who are genetically destined to be pears or apples.  Instead, we need to all focus on getting healthy, embracing ourselves as we are, and embracing our bodies as they are (and remember all the while that the size of our bodies does not dictate beauty, either outward OR inner beauty).

I'm not there yet, but I'm working hard towards it!  Today I ran 1.25 mile straight, 2.5 miles total.  By the end of March, I will be able to run 3.1 miles straight (a 5K).  By October 6, 13.1 miles hopefully...  So there is no doubt in my mind that I am now a runner.

And if you run, you are a runner, and you have a runner's body.  So enjoy it!!!

a runner's body

Distance Training vs. Calorie Burning

Since Januray 7th, I have been a runner.

Yes, a RUNNER.  One who runs. 

I finally am one of the chosen few.  One of the elite.  One of the special and unique.

Only joking.  Almost anyone can run!  If one can walk, and one has the desire to do that same basic movement only faster, than one can probably run. 

I've tried in the past to be a runner.  It was always very hard to do, and the rewards were so few that I quit every darn time.

I found it more rewarding to get on my stationary bike, or do the elliptical, or just walk uphill on a treadmill than running.

So because I was missing out on the rewards of running, I quit.

What reward was I looking for back then?

CALORIES burnt.

The fact remained that I could burn way more calories on my bike or on an elliptical than I did when I went running, particularly because I couldn't run for very long or very fast.  It seemed pointless to do running intervals when I would burn so few calories doing it.

Why am I runner now?  Why do I now feel confident that I won't quit, and that I will be a half-marathon runner by the end of 2013 (October 6th to be exact)?

Because I've changed my mindset.  My new reward is the half marathon.  So I am now training to run 13.1 miles.

Every new distance reached is a reward.  Every time that I run another mile, I'm happy.  When I'm on the treadmill, now I'm looking at the distance first, the time second, and the calories third (if at all).

So far, this is how my training has gone:

Every week, I must have three running days.  They don't have to be in a row, and there is no time rule except a minimum of 30 minutes.  I try to cross train at least two other days a week, but I'm not strict about that either.

Week 1:  Half mile interval.  I ran half a mile then walked half a mile
Week 2:  3/4 mile intervals.  I ran 3/4 a mile, then walk 1/4 mile, and continued the patter
Week 3: (began today!) I ran 1 mile, then walked 1/4 mile, and so forth.

I've improved my 5K time dramatically in just two weeks.  I'm so excited!!!  It felt SO GOOD to run an entire mile today.  And then I did it again, after walking 1/4 mile.  I'm stoked.

I am LOVING my running workouts.  I look forward to them.  They relieve stress, energize me, and make me feel strong, fit, and beautiful.

I have heard these kind of things be said about running in the past, and I never understood why I couldn't get there.

Now I know.  I had to change my focus from CALORIES burned to DISTANCE training.  Now I get it.  Now...  I'm a runner.  And it feels great.

We are more than our LOOKS!!!

disclaimer: I apologize in advance for any sexism that I imply here, because I do know that men go through the same kind of thing, but this post will be about my experience as a woman, so I will be discussing women's issues... not saying that this is ONLY a women's issue at all

Now that I've gotten the disclaimer out of the way, here's my topic: 

Why do we, as women, let ourselves care so much

about our looks?



one of the first results for search: what a woman should look like

Seriously.  I have been guilty of caring way too much about my appearance for most of my life.  I can't remember a time when it didn't matter to me at all.  Maybe when I was 5?  4?  3?  Even in my earliest memories, I can remember people making me feel as if my looks were more important than anything else.

Adults love to tell little girls that they are pretty, or that what they are wearing is pretty. 

And some little girls take that stuff seriously. 



"You look like a doll!!!  How PRETTY!!!"

I remember one time when I was 6 years old (ish) and I looked in the mirror, thinking that nothing about me was special.  Feeling terrible about how plain I was.  My pale freckle-less skin, my mousy straight hair, my uninteresting nose, eyes, and ears.  I hadn't yet started to worry about my weight (thank god) but I was still very much concerned about my looks.

That memory saddens me, and makes me wonder how many little girls I see every day have simular thoughts.  How many young girls put that much thought into their looks.



another "what a woman should look like" result

...And for some of us, it has never gone away.  That desire to be pretty, and the thoughts that our appearance somehow represents our worth.  That need to fit into a certain mold.  Whose standards are we trying to achieve?  And... why?

Some things are way more important than how we look.  Like... almost all things.  Just off the top of my head, here is a list of things that are more important than looks:

1) health

2) loved ones

3) work ethic

4) school and work deadlines

5) bills...?

All of these things are way more important than what we look like.  And the list could go on literally FOREVER. 

So, why is it that we put looks on such a high pedestal, and assume that if only we looked a certain way, everything else would fall into place?



another "what a woman should look like" gem.

Hmmm.  Here's a thought:

Let's stop the madness. 

I'm not saying that I'm going to stop caring about my appearance.  I am just saying that there is a balance out there.  I can still take pride in my appearance (shower, hair, makeup, clothes without holes in them) without making it a top priority.

I have been taking steps for weeks now to not care so much about food and exercise, and to instead focus on more important things (which is how I managed to ace my finals, BTW!).

I encourage all of you reading this to take a moment today and think about how much energy you put into your appearance. 

Are you only dieting and/or exercising for your appearance, or is health your main goal? 

Do you constantly (or nearly constantly) worry about how you look? 

Let's try to dial it back a bit and focus a bit more on important things. 



what a woman should look like #1 result!  (joke)

I'm selfish!!!

Yep, I said it.  I, Leah K. New, am a selfish person.

I do things all the time that are for ME, and ME only!

I quit smoking, and have stayed quit for over 2 years.  This is totally selfish on my part, since I wanted to save some money by not buying cigarettes every day.  Also, selfish because I will most likely live longer, which will benefit me greatly!  Oh yeah, plus fewer wrinkles supposedly, and whiter teeth.  Selfish, selfish, selfish.

I lost over 70 pounds with diet and exercise!!!  Another selfish endeavor of mine.  I lost the weight because I was sick of being fat.  I wanted to feel pretty and confident and I knew that for me, losing weight would really help with those things.

A side effect of all this weight loss is that I'm probably healthier, and far less likely to get any of those obesity-related diseases. 

I'm also much stronger!  And I have more endurance.  I feel much more energetic, much happier, and more excited about my life than ever before, and I believe that a lot of this is a direct result of my dieting and exercising my way from 220 to the mid 140's. 

Selfish, I tell you.  SELFISH!!!  Who does all of that stuff benefit right now?  ME!!!!!!!!

I went back to school!  It took a lot of patience, a lot of courage, and a lot of money (all to be paid back at some time in the future...), but I did it. 

I'm back in school.  Yesterday started my first semester as a college sophomore.  After being a freshman on-and-off for 8 years, it feels great to have graduated past that status and into sophomore territory.  I feel like I'm finally making progress towards the goal of getting an education!

I decided fairly recently (some time last year) that I want to go into law.  That's why I'm a Political Science major, and why I have to do ridiculously well (to get into an awesome East Coast law school for free...?). 

I'm going to make MONEY.  I'm going to have SUCCESS.  I'm going to live in NEW YORK CITY.

Can I say "selfish" one more time?

What has all of this selfish behavior done for the rest of the world?  Who knows???  It's possible that my good health will keep me alive longer for loved ones, including future hypothetical children of mine.  It's possible that my going back to school will result in my becoming a major political player that makes a huge difference in the world. 

My overall happiness has probably improved the lives of those closest to me, just because they don't have to hear me complaining all the time anymore.  ;-)

All I need to know about this selfish-ness:  It's made me a better person.  It's made me happier.  It's given me hope.

Lesson to be taken from this blog post:  BE SELFISH.  It's okay to spend a big chunk of time (or ALL of your time in some cases) focusing on yourself and your own goals. 

How have you been selfish lately?

Be your own best friend!

Last night, I binged.  My MFP friends were all so supportive!  It made me wonder why am so hard on myself, when I could be treating myself like I would treat others.  I was inspired to create this list.  Feel free to add to it in your comment.  :-)

[image source]

Things that I would say to my best friend if they told me that they had binged last night:

"It's okay!  It happens to the best of us."

"Don't get hung up on the binge!  Move on immediately."

"'Fat' isn't a feeling."

"What you eat doesn't make you 'good' or 'bad'".

"You tracked it!  YAY!!!  Think about all the times that you binged in the past and DIDN'T track.  You have come so far."

"It wasn't even that bad.  Remember all those times that you sat at home watching TV eating an entire (probably family-sized) bag of Ruffles with a whole jar of dip?  Plus some Little Debbies?  And that was just to tide you over until your Digiorno pizza was done cooking?  Oh yeah, and you hadn't exercised at all that day?  Think about how far you've come since THEN."

"One binge is NOT going to ruin your diet.  You will NOT gain a pound from an extra 1000 calories one day.  You're going to be just fine."

"Aren't you PMS-ing?  Give yourself a break.  It could have been much worse, and you know it."

"Drink some water.  Eat something nutritious when you feel hungry again.  Exercise a bit more tomorrow.  You'll be just fine."

"Go blog about it.  You will feel better."



Results NOT Typical...?

Why must this disclaimer be beneath every professional before-and-after photo?

*results not typical

[image source]

AAAAAUUUUGGGHHH!!!!  Surely I'm not the only person who finds this disclaimer terrible. 

It looms in the back of my mind sometimes, taunting me into believing that even if I reach my weight loss goal of losing 80 pounds, the odds against me maintaining that are nill. 

RESULTS NOT TYPICAL, LEAH, SO STOP FOOLING YOURSELF.

I am sick of the fear of re-gain.  Why shouldn't my good results be typical?  Why can't we all get to our goal weights and stay there?  Why must the results be "not typical"?

As of this moment, I'm going to use that disclaimer as motivation.  But I don't want my results to be atypical.  No, I want to change the disclaimer altogether.  Let's work together to make "results not typical" a thing of the past, and start having great weight loss results be the typical thing!

[image source]

A pipe dream?  Maybe. 

When I get to my goal weight of 140 (10.8 pounds to go!), I will post a before and after photo for all to see, and it will say in bold print "results typical".  Because... why not?  ;-)

Some (more) thoughts on body image and healthy goal weights

note: All of the statistics that I will be mentioning today are from the National Associaton of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, Inc. 

As many of you know, I have a personal history with disordered eating.  I have had an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise for almost a decade now. 

While I've recovered from EDNOS (my official diagnosis years ago, because I met all criterea for anorexia except for being underweight, and that's by BMI's standards, mind you) for years now, I still have a tendency to obsess about what I'm eating.

It makes me sad to know how NOT ALONE I am in this.  I wish that there weren't so many people who are currently suffereing or have suffered from an eating disorder. 

Up to 24 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder (anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder)

in the U.S.



I think that the "fat" image she sees looks pretty thin and beautiful!

[image source]

That's a pretty big number.  That one doesn't surprise me or sadden me nearly as much as this one:

Over one-half of teenage girls and nearly one-third of teenage boys use unhealthy weight control behaviors such as

skipping meals, fasting, smoking cigarettes, vomiting,

and taking laxatives.

[image source]


Over one half???  Nearly one third???  REALLY??? 

The pressure to be thin astounds me.  And I still feel the pressure myself sometimes, unfortunately. 
The only thing that I can do to help these teens is to be a good role model.  I quit smoking, I recovered from an eating disorder, I lost weight in a healthy way with good eating and moderate exercise.  I don't constantly talk about food and my body.  (Yes, I do on this blog, but that's because this is a healthy living blog!)

What are you doing to be a good role model for children who may be susceptable to eating disorders?

Here's one that I still need to keep myself in check about:

The body type portrayed in advertising as the ideal is possessed naturally by only 5% of American females.



Yes, I used Sarah Michelle Gellar as an example, because
I used to strive for a body like hers.

[image source]

5 % of American women have the natural ability to look like Sarah Michelle Gellar or Alyssa Milano (I use examples of skinny and beautiful actresses from two of my favorite TV shows).

The rest of us are NOT MEANT TO BE THAT SKINNY.  End of story.

We do have some options:

1) Spend the rest of our lives trying to get there, or

2) Accept our bodies. 

I say that we go for option #2.  What do you think?

Real Women.

Do you want to know a big pet peeve of mine?

When someone tells me that they love my curvy body, because I represent "real women". 

...

That's a lot of pressure!  Also, I don't believe it ONE BIT. 

Are some women out there not real women?

Was I more of a real woman when I looked like this?

Or this?

The truth is:

All women are REAL WOMEN. 

No matter what our size.

  

 No matter if we are trying to lose weight, trying to gain weight, or embracing our weight as it is.

Weight, curves, boobs, hips, waists... none of these things make us "real" or "not real". 

WE ARE ALL REAL WOMEN!!!!! 

So when can we start celebrating our bodies? 

When is it okay to start loving our individual, unique body shapes?

When is it appropriate to shout for joy about how beautiful our bodies are?

I say there is no time like RIGHT NOW. 

Embrace your body exactly as it is.

If you still have some pounds that you are wanting to lose or gain, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't or that you can't LOVE YOUR BODY.

This is me, and I'm a REAL WOMAN. 

And so are you!

(unless, of course, you are a man)

Overused, or used just enough?

"Check yourself before you wreck yourself."

"Progress, not perfection."

Both of these have been running through my head this week. Both have helped me to stop and think before completely derailing myself.

On Monday night, I almost binged. I was eating chocolate graham crackers (my "healthier" alternative to oreos choice for the week; don't ask me why I thought that they wre healthier or why I thought that I'd be less likely to binge on them). I ate a strip, then another, then another... before I knew it I had eaten 10 additional weekly points. My plan for the week had been to spread them out, eating 5 every day.

My plan was ruined. Suddenly I wanted to give up on the day. I wanted to keep eating the rest of the graham crackers and to stop counting. Who cares?! No one would know but me, and they are only graham crackers! They won't hinder my progress... or will they?

I remembered the phrase "Check yourself before you wreck yourself". It was a powerful message for me at that moment! I wrapped up the remaining graham crackers and tracked the 10 points that I had consumed, noting that I still had 11 weeklies left for the rest of the week. It was not the end of the world, and I was still OP.

Last night I realized that I hadn't gotten in my healthy oils for the day. I still had a DP left and it was time for my post-workout-late-night snack. I remembered the phrase, "Progress, not perfection" and I prepared some steamed vegetables with a teaspoon of EVOO. Yes, I would still be one teaspoon shy of the requirement, but the fact that I took the initiative to get in one at the end of the day instead of reaching for something non-filling shows how much progress I've made.

So those are my two helpful phrases for the week, and I'm sure to find more as I stumble through the rest of the week.

What cliche phrases have been especially helpful to you lately?

having technical difficulties again on this blog. No matter how many times I go back and edit in paragraphs, when the post comes up, it is ONE BIG PARAGRAPH, which probably makes it hard to read. I finally gave in a made every other paragraph bold, which hopefully helps you read this... sorry!

the most motivating picture I have...

...is one of myself before I gained the weight (this time). I lost a bunch of weight before, and got down to the weight shown in this picture, 135 pounds.

Oh, and I was three years younger, and blonde. (I used to get highlights, I'm naturally a dirty blonde/light brunette.)

Anyway, I love this picture because of how thin, healthy, and beautiful I look in it. I will be that thin again, in about 34.2 more pounds. :-)

But despite how much skinnier (and probably prettier) I am in this picture, I have to say that now I am much happier than I was when this was taken.

And that is much more important! I was miserable, despite my phony smile. My life was bad. My fiance (now ex-fiance) would make very mean remarks that made me feel fat. I thought that

I was much heavier than I actually was. I never felt "good enough" or "thin enough" for him (or for me).

So when I left him, I immediately gained a bunch of weight, quickly. Then I lost a bit, then I regained even more.

Now, here I am, less than 35 pounds away from weighing what I weighed in this picture. I'm ready to be thin and beautiful and KNOW that I'm thin and beautiful. I'm sick of feeling "less than". I'm finally feeling beautiful again, and I'm feeling healthy. And I know that I'm getting closer and closer to my ultimate goal weight.

And this time, when I smile into that camera, it will be a genuine "I love myself and I love my life" smile. :-)

Bullies!!!

Story time!

So I'm out on my bike ride last night, not a care in the world. It's the first week as a WW-er who has lost over 50 pounds, it's the last week that I'll be 25 years old, my body feels great, powerful, and healthy. It's a bit cold out, the first taste of the fall weather here in Tennessee. I'm feeling great about life, and about myself!

I turn a corner and there is a group of boys, probably ages 8-12 (I'm bad at guessing kid's ages. They could have been 6 or 15, too, but 8-12 is my best guess.). I don't think anything of them, just acknowledge their presence in my mind as carefree kids shooting the breeze on a Tuesday evening after school.

As I approach the group (as it's on my route), one of them shouts at me, "Hey, lady you need a better bike." That doesn't bother me, I just ignore them and keep on biking. My bike is a pretty nice one by my standards. I bought it from a yard sale last summer for $15, it's green, and everything works. But kids will be kids, right?

Then as I bike away, I hear the same one shout, "You need a better booty, too!"

I'm not going to write here what I shouted back to him in response. I'm not proud of it. That kind of rash behavior towards rude children is one of the many reasons that I'm not ready to have them myself yet.

If you know me, you know now that I am pretty darn sensative about my butt. It's big. Probably out of the 50 pounds that I've lost, only 7 of them came off of my butt, so with my now much smaller waist, it looks even bigger now. (I know, cry me a river, right, complaining about my smaller waist! I'm not, I really love my waist!!) Anyway, the point is, my big butt is a sore subject for me.

Kids used to tease me about it all the time when I was a teenager. So those memories came flooding back to me when that evil neighborhood kid was rude enough to make that comment.

I just thought that my days of being bullied by children were over, since I myself haven't been a child for 8 years now. But I guess that I was wrong.

So a warning to my readers: Kids can be really mean. Kids can be bullies. Even to adults.

The 5 Stages of Weight-Gain Grief...

WHY?! HOW?!

I don't know how or why I gained 1.6 this week. :-(

But I do know that I did.

And it sucks.

Here's how I'm rationalizing this using the 5 Stages of Grief to make my thoughts a bit more clear:

1. Denial: What happened? There is no way that I gained 1.6 in ONE WEEK since in theory it takes 3500 extra calories to gain 1 pound, so I would have had to eat an EXTRA 5600 calories for this to have been a REAL GAIN, and that's on top of all the exercise that I did. Not a real gain.

2. Anger: F YOU, scale!!! You are an idiot. F YOU, WW. I followed you to a T and still gained. I hate WW and I hate my scale!!! And I hate birthday cake...

3. Bargaining: Okay, fine, so I gained some weight. I promise that I will be a good and perfect WW-er next week, and in return I will lose what I gained this week plus a pound! Right? RIGHT?!

4. Depression: Why me?! Everything was going so well. I was on track to losing 50 pounds in 2010 just last week. Now I'm behind. I suck at WW and at life. What is wrong with me??!!

5. Acceptance: Fine. I gained 1.6 last week. That was LAST WEEK. This is this week, and I will be owning up to the gain on ww.com, I will blog about it, and I will stay true to WW this week and losing at least some of the gain. Gains happen, and they aren't always explainable.

I can only change the present and the future, not the past. So, here's to me, moving on. *clink*