Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Being okay with the Silver medal

I had a thought recently.  It may have even been an epiphany.  I hope so, since I haven't had one of those for awhile.  I'm overdue for an epiphany.

It's about winning at recovery. 

Every day is tough during this recovery time.  Every day I have to tell myself to eat, and what to eat, and how much, and to also tell myself to not obsess about these things, but that they are super important, and that it's okay if I have a lapse, but not really because all lapses make my recovering period last longer, and I should really stick to my meal and movement plans, and take my meds, and keep my ED treatment team. (Holy run-on sentence, Batman!)

Every day is a struggle right now, and most days I just don't feel like it. 

I wake up and don't even want to do the bare minimum.  My eating disorder and my depression both tell me to stay in bed.  To stay home, call in.  To binge.  To restrict.  To weigh myself and plan for the next diet, the one that will WORK.  To distract myself from my feelings with binge-watching TV while binge-eating anything and everything.

I almost immediately make a recovery goal for  myself in the morning.  It usually goes something like this:  Today I'm going to stick to my meal plan, log my food and feelings, NOT BINGE, and love and accept my body as it is.  I sometimes also set a movement goal for the day, like swimming or going for a walk after work. 

The day goes on, and I very rarely reach all or even some of those goals.  So I feel like a failure, because I didn't earn a "gold medal" for the day.

However, I always make it to work, and I never plan for the next diet anymore, and my binges are much more rare than they used to be.

Therefore, sure, I didn't get the gold, but I sure as heck didn't let my depression or eating disorder decide the day for me.  I end up somewhere in the middle.  And that's okay.

I'm trying to learn to be happy for my silver medals.  So long as I keep reaching for the gold, but knowing that silver is still a huge accomplishment, things should continue to get better for me and my recovery.


me, finally enjoying my hobby of playing the bassoon again!
Life is slowly but surely becoming more balanced and fun.


Shannon Tatlock said...

This entry had a very hopeful and lighter tone than past ones. Keep it up Leah! Also, you play the bassoon? That is COOL!

Leah: NOS said...

Yes it does! Thanks, Prozac! Lol