Even though this is now a health at every size / EDNOS recovery blog, I am going to go ahead with what my gut is telling me to do, and that is to work to lose some weight.
Seriously, I'm feeling inspired to lose weight again.
This is not because I feel like I should lose weight to fit into society's ideal. This is not because I believe that I can't be healthy at my current size. It's not because I don't look great right now, at this size. And this is not because I "feel fat".
It is because I felt better physically when I was smaller. I have become a runner this year, and I honestly believe that running will be easier at 165 pounds (goal weight) than it is at 218 pounds (what I weighed 3 weeks ago at a doctor's appointment - I think I'm about the same size now). I want to run longer distances faster. I'm training for a half marathon right now, and it is so much fun, and I am super proud of myself.
There are a few things that make this time different than my previous weight loss experiences.
One is that I'm still working on recovery for my EDNOS. I'm not going to do anything to lose this weight that will suck me back into disordered eating. I'm going to practice affirmations, self love, and healthy habits.
Another thing is that I don't hate my body at all right now. Nope, I actually love it. I think that it looks pretty good most of the time, and I have been wearing short shorts and tiny tank tops all summer long, despite weighing so much more than I did last summer. A couple of years ago, I would have NEVER worn summer clothes while weighing this much; I would have been more worried with looking fat than with feeling comfortable. How sad for me.
I won't love my body any more at 165 pounds than I do at 218 pounds.
Finally, and most importantly, I have no unrealistic dreams about weight loss solving all of my problems. Leah at 165 won't suddenly be happy, successful, fun, or awesome. If I am not those things at 218, I won't be those things at 165. The keys to happiness and success won't be found with losing weight. Happiness comes from within, and success (for me) comes from hard work in school. Success will be when I graduate next May. Happiness will be when Stacey and I get married and move to New York. Success will be getting a job that utilizes my degree and fulfills me.
And this should go without saying, but I'm already fun and awesome. ;-)
|me at 165, |
my goal weight
I feel great about this decision to lose weight again. It feels like a powerful decision, one that has been made at exactly the right time.
I will continue to blog about body acceptance, HAES, and EDNOS recovery while also blogging about my personal weight loss progress. Does that make this blog oxymoronic? I don't think so.
Anyway... I will blog again soon about the "how" but I thought that I would start with the "why".
I hope that you all are having spectacular days.
Me, I'm learning to live with the pain of losing Mom. Every day it's gets a little bit easier to live with the pain, which I suppose is the best that I can hope for right now.
|me now - 218 pounds|
Have you ever struggled with the line between HAES and losing weight?
Where do you draw the line?