|Picture found Googling.|
Makes me giggle.
A google giggle, if you will.
It started when I suddenly realized that I was almost 100 pounds overweight (by BMI standards).
100. Pounds. Overweight.
That's a lot. That's definitely fat. (and if "the F word" offends you, please read no further, because it comes up a lot in this post).
That's like... not "covering it up with a hoodie" fat. Not "take a picture at the right angle and I won't look fat in it" fat. Not "If I lose 20 pounds, I'll be almost not fat" fat. It's fat fat.
And I say all of the above things not in a negative or self-degrading way. Not meaning to insult the fat, or to insult myself, but just in a matter-of-fact way. It's just the truth. I am fat.
And that's when I realized that I'm not even enjoying eating. I think that there is a myth out there that to get fat, you must really enjoy food. If I'm fat, then I must REALLY. LOVE. FOOD.
And the truth is that I don't love food. I don't love eating, and I don't love food.
I don't enjoy anything about it. I'm not enjoying my eating one iota.
So I'm fat, and I don't even enjoy eating? That sucks. What's the benefit of my being fat, if not getting to enjoy all the food?
I can't think of one. Some people may be more aesthetically pleasing when fat, but I don't think that I'm one of them. I'm not ugly when fat, but I don't think that I'm my most attractive when fat, either.
I really do think that beauty comes from within, and that to be truly beautiful, I need to feel my best. I don't feel my best when I'm fat.
(Let me take a moment to interrupt myself here to explain to you what I mean when I call myself fat: Fat probably means different things to different people, and I would never call anyone other than myself fat, because to me it's a personal thing, this fat thing. I feel that I am "fat" whenever I weigh above about 220 pounds. I'm "kind of fat" when I am between 185 and 220, "not that fat" when 166-185, "not fat" when 150-165, and "thin" at anything below that. But that's me.)
Anyway, I'm determined to change my ways.
Not only do I hate that I am fat and don't even enjoy eating, I think that the idea that to be fat is to enjoy eating is completely false.
I believe that the opposite is probably true.
I highly suspect that if I were to truly enjoy eating, I would not be fat anymore.
I'm ready to get the joy back. I am always looking for ways to enjoy life more, so it's strange that I haven't thought about enjoying eating until now. It seems like a simple solution to my ED issues, too.
Simple, but not easy.
So I am going to find the joy in my food.
I need to figure out what foods I truly enjoy eating, and in what setting I truly enjoy eating them. I need to figure out what part of eating I enjoy, and what parts of food in general I can begin to enjoy.
What parts of food and eating do I already find joy in? I'm sure there are some....
I enjoy grocery shopping. I enjoy cooking. I enjoy eating pop tarts in the car on the way to school in the morning. I enjoy eating popcorn while watching movies. I find joy in these things.
I find joy in eating with Stacey at the table, or at a restaurant. I find joy in washing and chopping vegetables.
Do I actually find joy in my trigger foods (food that I'm likely to binge on)? NO.
I find comfort in them, but not joy. Those two don't go hand in hand for me.
I'm going to focus on truly enjoying myself whenever I shop for, prepare, and eat food. Eating isn't a reward or a punishment; nor is it just fuel. It's something that all of us have to do to survive, and it's something that maps out most days (breakfast time, lunch time, dinner time, etc.). It's something to be cherished (not everyone has easy access to food), and something to savor.
It's something that I have taken for granted, hated, been addicted to, and have tried to manipulate for my entire adult life.
I have never truly enjoyed eating. And that's about to change.
And even if my enjoying eating does not result in weight loss, at least I'll be enjoying eating and fat. And that's way better than not enjoying eating and fat (IMHO).