Starting over tomorrow...

Confession:  This entire week, I have been telling myself that I will start over tomorrow with better eating and getting to the gym.  I just told myself that again a few minutes ago.

Why am I still engaging in this extremely diet-y behavior?  I guess out of habit.  I keep eating "bad" food, like pizza, chips, and chocolate candy.  I keep on skipping the gym.  And because I don't feel guilty about those behaviors, it's hard to motivate myself to stop doing them.

This is definitely new territory for me, knowing that I am trying to be completely done with dieting and food/exercise guilt.  I think that my inner "diet rebel" is emerging, trying to test me.

It's hard to find a balance, and hard to find motivation to do healthy things without the guilt as motivation.

This is a journey, as lame as that may sound to some, I truly believe in the word "journey" for many situations.  Recovery is a looooooooooooooong journey.

As ready as I am to be "normal" around food, as ready as I am to be an intuitive eater, as ready as I am to be at peace with my body...  I'm not there yet.  And that's okay.

I need to be kind to myself as I figure out what is next for me.

I need to figure out how to get the motivation for healthy habits back WITHOUT guilt.

No More Guilt

Guilt can be a good thing.  When one does something bad, then guilt is what makes one realize the error of his or her ways, and also what usually prompts them to apologize and make things right.

It's an important emotion for kids.  When this happens so many times, a child will realize that guilt sucks, and that the best way to avoid guilt is to always try your best to do the right thing.  Guilt can help make people do the right thing;  it can be a powerful motivator towards goodness.

Mom was the queen of guilt.  (She was great at reminding me about how guilty I would feel if I didn't go visit my grandparents, for example.)  I used to resent Mom's guilt tactics.  Now I'm thankful for them, because I often choose to be selfless because of her instilling that behavior in me when I was young.  

Two things that Mom never guilted me or my brother about:  Food or exercise.

She never once told us that we would really regret eating that cookie, or really regret not getting on the bike for an hour.

Nope.  Not once.

You know what gave me the stupid idea that I should feel guilty about how much I eat and exercise?  The dieting industry.  And whose advice would I rather take, Mom's or the dieting industry?  I'm going to go with Mom.

So for my first step in getting over my diet addiction, I am going to work to end the guilt.  No more guilt about eating or exercising.

I have no food rules right now.  I am not focusing on anything other than "no guilt".  I am trying to not overeat, and also trying to eat  healthy foods every day, but those are not my primary focus right now.  On the occasions that I overeat, or eat junk food, or on the days that I skip the gym and heath food completely, I am trying to not feel any guilt.

It may seem stupid to give up the guilt, because I'm quite overweight right now.  If I don't have guilt urging me to put down the donut, won't I eat all 12?  If I don't have guilt urging me to go to the gym, won't I stop exercising for weeks at a time?  If I don't have guilt telling me to track every single calorie I eat and exercise, won't I gain even more weight, and won't I definitely never lose weight again?  

Honest, I don't know.  It scares me to give up the guilt, because I can't remember how it felt to live in a world without food and exercise guilt.  I know that I didn't have this guilt until age 11.  I'm trying to listen to my inner child.  And also, asking myself this question: 

Where has guilt over food and exercise gotten me?  

It has brought me to where I am today in regards to food, exercise, and my body.  It has made me unrecognizable in pictures every 6-12 months, constantly ballooning up and shrinking down.  It gave me an eating disorder (or three...).  It made me hate my body.  It made me think that there is nothing more important in this world than getting smaller.  It made me crazy...  and that ain't right.

I'm ready to move beyond the guilt and to learn to truly trust myself to make my own decisions about food and exercise, based on anything other than guilt.  Maybe deciding to eat oatmeal for breakfast because I like it, and because it makes me feel good.  Maybe deciding to go to the gym because I like the way running makes me feel.  Maybe deciding to eat a bag of chips because they taste good.  Or an ice cream cone because it is so freaking hot outside.  Or broccoli because I am hungry and it's about to go bad.

How does guilt affect your eating and exercise?

Rejecting the Diet Mentality (again)

Once again, I have been working on rejecting the diet mentality that plagues me.

And yes, THIS time "it will stick".  At least... I hope so.

Every day is a struggle right now.  I just wanted to be honest with you guys on here, because that's what I try to do.  That's what this blog is about.

It's about really putting myself out there, especially in regards to diet, exercise, weight, healthy eating, and things like that.

Every morning, I wake up happy to start a new day, with the infamous "clean slate".

Because every night, I'm overeating.  Or eating the "wrong" things.  Or both.

...and that cycle needs to stop, now. 

Because I'm terrified of re-gain.  I know that I'm not weighing myself right now, so it's possible that I've gained back more.  My pants say otherwise, in fact they are starting to fall off (the 14's may fit again now, will try them on this weekend!) but I'm still scared that I'm gaining weight.

I don't want to worry about my weight.  Some days I tell myself that I should be okay as a size 16 (which is hard to even type) as long as I'm healthy and happy.

...but that's a lie.  I want to be THIN.  I want to be SKINNY.  I want to look like Sarah Michelle Gellar (or insert your favorite super-skinny celeb name here).

So I control my portions.  I've been tracking on My Fitness Pal sporadically.  I exercise almost every day, usually for about an hour, usually all cardio.

And I'm having all of these "I want to be thin by MAY" thoughts (I'm going to NYC for vacation again, yay!) all the while trying to stay out of the diet mentality and developing an eating-healthy-by-day-but-overeating-every-night habit. 

I know one thing for sure:  The solution is NOT me getting back on the scale.  That's the one part of my new post-dieting lifestyle that I love and refuse to give up.

So here's what I'm going to do-

1) I will try on those size 14's tonight and see how they are fitting. 

2) I will try to solve my overeating every night habit.  Perhaps by eating a larger dinner, later at night, or by splitting dinner into two meals, one around 5 and another around 9.

3) I will continue to keep my portions in check by tracking some days on My Fitness Pal... but not every day, because I'm still trying to transition to a life without tracking.

4) I will journal. If not on this blog, then privately.  I have lots of thought that need to be put to paper, and most of them probably wouldn't interest you guys.  The ones that are relevant to the themes of my blog will probably end up here.  So get ready for some more "dear diary" type entries.

5) I will continue my kick-ass exercise routine.

And that's all for today!  Just wanted to check in with you all, and let you know that I'm struggling a bit.  Or a lot, depends on the moment. 

Phew, I feel better now.  Anything that you want to get off your chest?  Please feel free to share in the comments or to email me leahthekindweightwatcher@gmail.com