One thing at a time, Self.

I had several breakdowns related to Mom over the weekend. Like sobbing uncontrollably breakdowns. I think that I really needed to get that out, and had been holding the sadness inside. Thankfully Stacey was there for me during these breakdowns. Most of the time when I bawl my eyes out over Mom, I'm alone, because I feel weird doing it in front of others. It's important that I let my loved ones comfort me.

Two of my favorite loved ones:  Stacey and Joel

I am still working on getting there with my family members... I struggle being weak in front of them, don't know why.

Anyway, after those cleansing tears, I felt better. Especially about my weight loss journey.

I had so many thoughts on Saturday, between sobs, that I should just give up on this weight loss stuff. At least postpone it until the worst of my grief is over.

But I had a moment of clarity: Mom would not want me to put my health on hold. She especially would hate it if SHE was the reason that I gained all the weight back. She knew how important this was to me, and was my biggest cheerleader for everything, weight loss included. (Though she also would start saying "You look too thin!" when I get down to about 175 pounds, which is still 20 pounds overweight, LOL)

"Leah, are you getting TOO THIN????" - Mom

So instead of giving up, I'm going to be kind to myself and take this stuff in baby steps.

I was getting angry with myself for not cooking enough, for not exercising enough, for eating too much processed stuff, and for not eating enough of the healthy stuff in general.

One thing at a time, Self.

This week, my focus will be to track everything on Weight Watchers and to not go into the hole. Stacey's birthday is on Wednesday, and there will be eating out and drinking going on, so I need to save some points for that. And I will.

If I'm still eating processed stuff, not cooking much, not exercising as much as I did before, and not eating tons of fresh produce... that's okay for now. This is not an all-or-nothing journey.

I will get back to where I was a year ago, Weight Watchers-wise. It will take some time. It will take some therapy. And it will take me being gentle with myself.

where I was a year ago... (144 pounds in late May 2011)

But I'm feeling pretty optimistic about the future of my weight loss and health, for the first time in a long while. So I thought that I would share.

I'm still writing that new challenge that I spoke of last post!  It is in fact a "calendar goal" but it's a pretty realistic one, and I promise to not be too hard on myself while I reach it.

Getting out of my weight gain comfort zone...

As much as I want to regain control over my eating and my weight, I am having the hardest time sticking to Weight Watchers.

I remember WW being easy. I remember being able to lose a pound a week by just tracking my food and never going "in the red". I remember loving to eat healthy meals like a big bowl of brown rice with beans, EVOO, and tons of veggies. And mostly, I remember all of these things coming to me naturally, and never feeling deprived.

Yeah... this was EASY-PEASey...not.

Ummm.....yeah.... I'm pretty sure that my memories of being on WW in the past are a bit romanticized and not actually what I experienced.

I'm pretty sure that when I first started WW, I felt hungry a lot of the time, and that I missed being "allowed" to eat ANYTHING and EVERYTHING with the wild abandon that I give into during stages of weight gain...

I'm also sure that once I forced myself to break out of my comfort zone, I was able to embrace WW and it began to feel routine. Like, how I was supposed to eat. Getting used to the WW way of eating didn't happen overnight for me last time, so I don't know why I'm expecting it to happen overnight this time.

I need to give myself a break.

Sure, I keep on diving into bad habits (not tracking, giving up on the day, eating a bowlful of peanut butter with several pieces of bread, etc.).

But it's because I have gotten used to overeating on things like bread and peanut butter... chips... chocolate... etc... and that is what I like to eat right now. It's comforting to me. It's comfortable for me. It feels like it's how I'm supposed to eat, because that's how and what I've been eating since Mom went into the hospital on May 22.

That mindset about comfort eating did not just go away because I joined Weight Watchers Online.

I need to stop giving into that kind of eating, need to force myself to really give Weight Watchers a try again, because I know that it works.

And I know that it's not a miserable way to eat. Memory tells me that it was actually kind of easy and delicious once I got used to it.

So that's my plan now, to just really give WW a chance. It will probably feel uncomfortable at first, but it will be worth it soon.

Here I go.

My history with the scale, and all about my scale break

I have recently decided to take a break from the scale.  Yes, I know that only a couple of weeks ago I spoke publicly about my plans to wean myself off of the scale, but I just felt like I needed a break sooner rather than later.

My relationship with the scale has been a rocky one from the very beginning.  Well, maybe not from the very beginning (8 lb 4 oz was perfectly acceptable to newborn me... I think.) but definately from around age 11. 

I remember being horrified the day that the scale went from 99 to 100.  Seriously, horrified.  Like I had suddenly moved from one group of people (slim and beautiful) to another one (fat and ugly).  And of course, slim and beautiful was much better than fat and ugly.


Scales should NOT be in the family bathroom!

  And of course, during those terrible eating disorder days (age 19-21), I had a disordered, scary, crazy, messed up relationship with the scale.  Things that are embarassing to write about, but just to give you an example of something that an anorexic/EDNOS person may do:  I had a stack of old magazines beside my scale that weighed how much I wanted to lose.  I would weigh myself multiple times a day, and remove and add magazines to the stack by weight, to remind myself how much further I had to go.  It was always as a punishment for weight gained, not as a reward for weight lost.  Eventually this project became too much even for me, and I abandoned it and moved onto something else. 

But the scale was torture for me.  I wanted, NEEDED to see a smaller number every day.  If the number was the same or (gasp) bigger than the previous day, I would punish myself with worse food restriction and more exercise.


Then, after recovery, it was years before I even brought another scale into my home.  One of the things that was stressed in recovery was to forget about the number on the scale, to focus on health instead of weight.  Something that I had not expected from recovery of anorexia/EDNOS was to switch from restriction of food to overeating.  Apparently, this happens to many recovered anorexics, but I'm so happy that no one warned me of this possibility when I was trying to recover, as it was my worst fear:  extreme weight gain.

I went to the opposite extreme with my eating, and gained a lot of weight.  It was embarassing for me, to say the least.  Family members were super supportive of this development, probably because they were terrified with how skinny I had been the previous year and they wanted me to live.  Overweight/obese doesn't always equal unhealthy, but in my case it definately was.  Anyway, I kept on feeding my emotions with food and avoiding the scales, while having to go shopping for new (larger) pants every few months.  This continued for a couple of years, until I looked like the "before" pictures over on the side of this page.


This is a number that apparently we should all want to see? 
Why is it always something like this on the box for scales? 
Not cool, scale companies.  Not cool.



I had to find a better way.  Extreme eating (either under or over) and extreme weighing (several times a day or not at all) clearly were not the answers.  There had to be another way to go about this, a way to learn about moderation.  A way to diet without getting tempted to go back to severe restriction and a way to weigh myself without being tempted to go back to multiple daily weigh-ins. 

That's when I found Weight Watchers, and really learned a new way to eat and weigh.  Eat everything in moderation and weigh myself once a week.  (Of course, this blog post is oversimplifying a lot, since there is limited space, but I also began seeing an amazing therapist, who helped me to see that overeating was not the answer to my problems, and WW wasn't always so easy).

Weight Watchers completely turned my life around.  Weighing in once a week was the balance that I had been craving for years.  It was a great way to see how I did that week, and to make sure that the scale was going in the right direction.  Seeing that number on the scale (220) was terrifying at first, but I soon was only focused on the journey, and my mini-goals (as well as my big ultimate goal weight) and knew that 220 was in the past.

So when did this weekly weighing become a problem?

Quite recently.

I have been giving too much power to the number on the scale again.  If it's a "good" number, I give myself permission to overeat that weekend as a reward, and if it's a "bad" number, I give myself permission to overeat that weekend as a pity party.  Either way, it is overeating.

I was starting to get a little crazy with the number again.  I do want to reach my goal weight of 140, and I do think that it's very possible to do so.  So when the scale stopped going down (going from 145-148, up and down but always in that range) I began to start... feeling fat again.  Which I know is stupid.  I'm in a normal and healthy weight for my age and height and my clothes still fit.  But for whatever reason, I was letting the number get to me.

Since starting my break from the scale a couple of weeks ago, I've noticed a few positives. 

1) I am tracking my food and exercise for the sake of tracking.  It's not about my weight right now, it's about my health.  I'm following Weight Watchers, and doing everything "right".  I know that by doing this, my weight will go down, so I'm not worried about my weight right now.  Tracking is just for tracking, and for learning about portion control again, and rediscovering the joys of fresh fruits and vegetables.

2) My weekend eating has nothing to do with the scale.  It's still junk-food-y compared to the work week, but that's just what I eat on the weekends!  It's not a reward or pity-party anymore.  I am tracking my PointsPlus and my calories, and am enjoying my weekend food and activity more than I have in months.

3) I don't care how much I weigh.  Right now, at this moment, I just don't care.  I'm feeling great about my body and my food and exercise choices.  Life is busy, but great.  There is too much going on to worry about something as silly as the number on the scale. 

And... that's it.  This is a loooooooong post, and if you are still reading, bless you.  :-)  I do plan to go back to regular weigh-ins, because I know that never weighing can be as bad for me as constantly weighing.  I will probably step back on the scale in mid-November.  For now, I'm enjoying the break.

Struggling...

In the interest of being honest, which is what this blog is all about, I need to confess something to you guys:

I am struggling.

I am back on Weight Watchers, but I'm not focused.  I've been letting life get in the way of my weight loss and fitness goals. 

I'm using excuses, such as "School is more important!" and "My neck hurts!" and "Maybe I should just not worry about this stuff anymore and just gain a little weight and let my body decide a new happy weight for me."

Since these are my top three excuses lately, let's examine all of them one by one and debunk my myths.

#1 Why-it's-okay-to-gain-some-weight Myth: 

School is More Important!!!

Umm...  I went to school in January, too.  And it was important then, too.  And somehow, I was waking up early every day to make sure that I got my exercise in, was making and packing healthy snacks for class, and even took 20 minute pilates breaks during my study sessions. 

What's different about this semester?  Besides new classes, nothing.  I have the exact same schedule as last semester.  Work 8-5 Monday through Friday, School 5:30-8:30 Monday through Thursday.  That is exactly the same.  Am I super busy?  Yep.  Does that mean that I cannot eat healthy and exercise?  Nope.

Myth: de-bunked.

#2 Why-it's-okay-to-gain-some-weight Myth:

My Neck Hurts!!!

My car was rear-ended last Wednesday, and I have pretty bad whiplash as a result.  My neck hurts most of the time, and I'm still waiting for a little workman's comp insurance issue before I get to go to an orthopedic doctor to see what the next step should be.  I have lots of pain killers/muscle relaxers/anti-inflammatories, but cannot take them through the work/school day because they make me loopy, so I'm relying on Advil to get me through which only helps a little.

Anyway... Is this a valid excuse to not follow Weight Watchers?  No way.  Is it a valid excuse to go easy on exercise?  Yes, of course it is.  (However, I have been back to stationary biking the last couple of nights, and my neck doesn't get bothered with it, so yay!). 

There is really no reason that neck pain should equal poor food choices.  This is a classic case of "woe is me" eating, or comfort eating.  Enough!! 

Myth: debunked.

#3 Why-it's-okay-to-gain-some-weight Myth:

 Maybe I should just not worry about this stuff anymore and just gain a little weight and let my body decide a new happy weight for me...?

Just typing this one out was sad for me.  Why am I giving myself this excuse, even for just a second?  

First of all:  It's not true.  I would not be happy with my body at a higher weight.  Sure, looking back at my NYC trip from last October, I notice that I didn't really look bad at 168, but I was still 14 pounds overweight and wasn't satisfied with my body at that size. 

me last October (168 lb)

I don't want to go backwards with my weight.  I want to re-lose whatever I've gained with my recent careless eating, and continue until I get down to about 140 pounds, and then start to really focus on toning up and caring less about the number on the scale so long as my clothes fit the same. 

Gaining any of this weight back is just not an option for me!  I've come too far, and learned too much, to ever go back. 

Myth: de-bunked!

Now that I've successfully de-bunked my top three myths, it's time for me to get serious about my weight loss journey again.  Weight Watchers works, and even when followed 100% correctly is not torture.  It's a simple eating plan that allows for everything in moderation, but focuses on eating mostly whole and healthy foods.  That's exactly how I want to eat forever, so why am I making this hard for myself?  Urg.

Today is day 3 OP, and I'm feeling pretty positive about it.  I just thought that I'd remind you all that I'm human (like you needed reminding of that, I'm pretty sure that I don't even kind of come across as perfect) and that I struggle with my dieting/exercising just like everyone else.  I just need to get back in the groove, and it will all be good again.

The prodigal Weight Watcher returns!

I stopped being an official paying Weight Watchers Online member a while ago.  About 9 weeks ago.

I was hoping to be able to continue on my own to lose the last few pounds.  (and by my own, I mean with lots of help from My Fitness Pal!)

And I was doing pretty well.  I even wrote my own new diet plan that has lots of potential, and enjoyed it for a couple of weeks.  I went from 153 down to 145.8 in about 9 weeks, which is a satisfactory rate of loss for the last few pounds in my opinion.

However... something was missing.

And I think that something, unfortunately was STRUCTURE.

As soon as I hit the "accept" button on quitting Weight Watchers Online all those weeks ago, I felt a sense of panic setting in.  No more WW tracker?  No more weekly weigh-in reminders?

But above that, I felt a sense of FREEDOM.  It was all in my hands now...  I didn't have to answer to Weight Watchers or anyone else!  I could design my own weight loss plan!  I could take what I had learned from WW and apply it towards a new plan of calorie-counting.  How exciting it was.

The thing is though, from the very beginning of this journey, I haven't had to answer to anyone but myself.  Weight Watchers Online wasn't holding my hand.  It was a tool that I used to get healthy. 

I have lost weight many times in the past, only to put it right back on (plus more, usually).  I wasn't ready to be healthy yet, and as soon as the excitement of whatever new diet plan wore down, I was done with it and ready to go back to my old ways. 

This time around I choose to hold myself accountable.  And if I find that accountability through Weight Watchers or through some other means, that's okay.

I find myself craving the structure that Weight Watchers offers.  The PointsPlus system, the commaraderie of other members, the good health guidelines...

As soon as I made the decision to sign up again (registration fee waived for previous members!!!) I knew that I had made the right decision.  All of my awesome WW memories came flooding back to me, and I feel like I'm home again. 

I know what works for me, and it's Weight Watchers.

...for now.

P.S. Personal update- I was in a car accident last week, and have bad whiplash!  That's why I'm still easing my way back into exercise.

Confession: I'm going back to calorie-counting (for now)

Well...  as much as I really wanted to be an Intuitive Eater, I've come to (once again!) accept that I'm just not ready for it.

I gained again.  It's almost too depressing for me to even admit to you how much, after a week of pure IE, but okay- it was 2.2 pounds.  So in the last two weeks of Intuitive Eating, I have managed to regain 5 entire pounds.

I got a new scale, and it said that I was back up to 153!!!!!!!!!!!!  So that's what I'm tracking my weight as now.  A gain of almost 10 pounds since I hit my goal of 144. 

And that is just too scary for me to continue. 

I have to go back to tracking.  I have decided to not go back to Weight Watchers, simply because that's just too diet-y for me right now, and I'd like to do a combination of IE and dieting...  If that's possible!

So I signed up for My Fitness Pal and have been basically doing IE but with tracking for the last few days.

So I'm still listening to my hunger signals and choosing foods that I like (about 80% really ridiculously healthy options, with 20% processed/junk foods right now... yes I'd like to increase the former to 90% at some point) but with limits.

I feel bad about giving up on Intuitive Eating again.  However, for me, it just wasn't working!  A reader of mine, Kate from This is Not  Diet, said something to me that really made me think:  "I think the only way to "eat whatever you want" and not gain weight is if you don't "want" to overeat or eat a lot of junk."

And I do still want to eat junk and I still want to overeat.  I don't know why I still want to do those things, but I do.  So I need the accountabity of calorie-counting for now.  I'm going to give My Fitness Pal three months of commitment, that is my plan.  My birthday is October 7, and according to MFP, I will have reached my weight loss goal by then, and will be working towards maintenance again, which is where I want to be!  :-)

So I hope that you all understand, my dear readers.  I didn't want to give up on IE, but I've just discovered that I am not yet ready to be a true IE-er.  IE just wasn't good for me at this point in my life.

With that in mind, I must remember one of the affirmations from my box of affirmations: 

"Walking away from something that is bad for you is not giving up."

I still 100% believe in Intuitive Eating, and will go back to it eventually, but for now...  I need to work some stuff out.  And part of that journey will include counting calories for the food that I eat and the exercise that I do.  And I'm okay with that.

still on a journey...

Some Comparisons...

Just for fun (and YES, this was actually fun for me, I'm a nerd), I decided to compare three tracking methods of what I ate yesterday. 

And just in case any of you are as nerdy as I am when it comes to this stuff (and chances are if you follow/read my blog, you are), I thought that I would share my findings on here.  :-)

Here's my hunger journal with Intuitive Eating for a day-
time- (hunger level before eating) food (hunger level after eating)

8:00am- (3) 1 Lara bar, 1 banana (5)

10:00am- (3) 1 Lara bar, 1 packet of craisins (5) -YES, I ate 2 Lara Bars in one morning!  I was in a hurry and didn't have time to make the oatmeal that I usually eat for breakfast. 

12:30pm- (3) refried beans mixed with salsa, with Wasa flatbread crackers (5)

3:30pm- (2) apple (5)

5:30pm- (3) beans, rice, steamed veggies, EVOO (6)

8:00pm- (3) peanut butter with karo (5)

10:00pm- (4) boca burger (6)

Okay, so there you have it- one random day of Intuitive Eating for me.  Lots of healthy stuff, some sweetness (If you haven't tried PB & karo, do it!  It's creamy deliciousness!), and tons of satisfaction.

I went to plug in all this good food on both Sparkpeople and Weight Watchers.

According to Sparkpeople, here are the stats for the day:

Daily Goals- 1720-2070 calories, no carb goal (I took that away), 44-77 grams of fat, and 60-172 grams of protein.

Daily Totals- 1804 calories, 291 carbs, 52 grams of fat, and 68 grams of protein.

Pretty good stats, if I do say so myself!


According to Weight Watchers, here are the stats for the day:

Daily Goals- 35 Daily PointsPlus, 49 Weekly PoinstPlus

Daily Totals- 39 PointsPlus used (all 35 daily plus 4 weeklies)

Again, NOT BAD.

***************

This isn't something that I'm planning to do often, as it pretty much would be detrimental to my progress with Intuitive Eating.

However, I'm glad that I did this.  It proves that IE can be a healthy and balanced way to eat that does not have to cause weight gain.

If I plugged in any days from last week, the numbers on both SP and WW would probably be laughable.  I was going through a food rebellion phase last week, eating lots of junk foods "because I could". 

Now, I'm approaching IE in a more balanced way.  There is no need to overeat on cookies and chips every day, because they will always be there as an option for me.

I simply choose to eat more filling foods the majority of the time.

Rejecting the Diet Mentality - Day 4

Another reminder to ENTER THE BOOK GIVEAWAY!!!  Only 10 people have entered so far, so everyone's chances are pretty good.  Especially those who have 6 entries, which is the max you can get.  I'm pretty excited about my blog's first giveaway, makes me feel like a "real" blogger.  ;-)  So go on over and enter the giveaway.  You won't only be entering for a chance to win an amazing book (all books in the giveaway have been critical to my weight loss journey), you'll also be making this blogger's day.  And who doesn't want to do that? 

Okay, time for some more thoughts on Intuitive Eating!

Once again: So far, so good!  I'm loving eating this way.  I'm still not a full-fledged Intuitive Eater quite yet (if there is such a thing!), as I'm only focusing on the first principle 100%, with some mild focus on the second one. 

The first principle is "Reject the Diet Mentality".  I've been 100% focused on doing just that.  One thing that I've noticed since starting this IE adventure:  I'm not eating a big dinner.  Instead, I'm eating several snacks between work and bedtime.  These snacks most likely add up to the same amount of calories/PointsPlus as my old dinners did (I'm trying really hard to not count!), but they keep me much more satisfied.  I think it's because I'm eating what I want, and not worrying about anything other than "Am I hungry?" and "Is this what I really want to eat?".  It's freedom.

Last night, for example, was not the healthiest.  But I ate to satisfaction and I ate what I wanted. 

Here's what I ate yesterday:

breakfast: oatmeal with applesauce, banana, and almond milk

lunch: oatmeal with black beans, tomatoes, evoo (oats twice in one day!  Only because I forgot to make brown rice or barley the night before!  Come to think of it... I didn't make any last night, either...) a couple of wasa crackers

snack #1: Lara Bar and craisins

snack #2: peanut butter and banana

snack #3: (at the movies with my little cousin!  Bridesmaids was funny but not worth $10 IMHO)- The following was snuck in and shared with my cuz- redvines and air-popped popcorn with added oil THAT I DIDN'T MEASURE!!!

When I woke up this morning, I was really hungry.  I think it's because I didn't eat much last night.  But last night I wasn't hungry for anything else.  IE is definately interesting!

I'm kind of concerned about tomorrow... It's usually my weigh-in day, but I'm tempted to skip a couple of weigh-ins as I get used to IE.  No, I'll probably still weigh-in...  I'll let you know!

Another thing that concerns me about IE vs WW: On WW, every weekend I went through most of my WPA, with very little concern about hunger signals.  I was "allowed" to do that, you see.  I could eat an entire pizza and a whole bag of chips if I wanted to (and often did).  On IE, the point is that I can eat anything and not measure or count calories/PointsPlus, BUT... in exchange, I must only eat to satisfaction.

This will be pretty challenging for me!  Tomorrow, Stacey and I are FINALLY going to the new vegan restaraunt in town!  It's called "Imagine Vegan Cafe" and it sounds soooooooo goooooooood... I've been dreaming about going there since it opened in April, and stuffing myself silly and just counting it as "all WPAs gone now".  Now that I'm on IE, I will have to watch it.  I'm not going to be too concerned about it, since right now I'm focused on "rejecting the diet mentality" more than "honor your hunger".

Isn't that funny?  In one way, WW was more freeing than IE is.  But I truly believe that IE is the way that is better for me in the long run.  I have been meaning to get a grip on what I call "controlled binge-eating" that I allow myself over the weekends.  IE will help me learn to do that!

I'll keep on sharing my food on here just to let you all know how IE is working for me.  Thanks for all of your support, and as soon as Blogger is working correctly, I will start commenting on your blogs, too.  For some reason, Blogger is not allowing me to follow any new blogs or to comment on any blogs that I already follow.  Anyone else having this issue?

HAHA, I just realized that if you are having that issue, you won't be able to comment and let me know.

Why am I jealous of the fad dieters?

Lately, I have found myself jealous of people who are on a diet.  By "diet", I mean a fad diet.  By "fad diet", I mean a diet that asks its participants to believe that there are good foods and bad foods, and that you should NEVER eat the bad foods.  Or a diet that at first you have to eliminate the "bad" foods, only to start slowly adding them back in once you've lost all of the weight.

Diets that I'm jealous of:
The Dukan Diet (I actually almost bought this one!)
The 17 Day Diet
Fat Smash Diet

I'm most jealous of people who are on the Dukan Diet.  It sounds like such a crazy fad diet!  It's simular to The South Beach Diet in that it has 4 phases.  It's simular to Atkins in that it asks the dieter to completely eliminate carbs, even if only for a short while.  It's simular to Weight Watchers only in its last phase, which is "everything in moderation" plus one Atkins-y day a week.

If you want to read about it more, just Google or Bing.  There's tons out there.

Weight Watchers is better.  100% better.  Weight Watchers is an "everything in moderation" diet, which is what I think most people really crave.  Weight Watchers encourages healthy carbs, but allow the dieter to choose unhealthy carbs in moderation, too. 

So why am I jealous of the fad dieters?

Because I know that I'll never "need" to go on another diet as long as I live.  I know that all of that is part of my past now.  I know that Weight Watchers is how I'll eat forever.  And letting go of something that has been such a big part of my life, even something as unhealthy as fad dieting, is a little sad.

The fad dieters don't get it yet.  And I didn't used to get it, either.  And a part of me wishes that I could be wooed by the promises that the Dukan Diet gives me (never be hungry again!  Get to your true weight by June 5!).  And to be honest:  I almost was.

Weight Watchers (everything in moderation) works.  No need for fads.

disclaimer: All diets, including fad diets, DO WORK if the dieter is willing to stay on the diet forever.  Some people consider Weight Watchers to be a fad diet, too.  This post is not to demean any diet;  Do what works for you!  :-)

Two Years later...

On Saturday, May 9, 2009... I took the plunge. I signed up for Weight Watchers online.


I was skeptical, since I had tried WW before and it "didn't work".

I was also excited to eat carbs again! I had just ended an attempt at The South Beach Diet, and it was killing me. Plus, my brother Joel had just made lifetime, and he looked fantastic (still does!).

I was so sick of being fat. I felt miserable most of the time. Whenever I was smiling, it was only on the outside. To be fair, this was not just about my weight. I was depressed about a lot, which contributed to my weight gain, which contributed to my depression. It was a vicious cycle.

So, after I realized that I could not do South Beach one more day, I decided to join Weight Watchers. At first, it was just on paper. I didn't really follow WW until some time in June. But, I took that first step on May 9, 2009.

Two years!!!! Two years ago, I weighed 220 pounds and was ridiculously depressed about my life and my future.

Today: I weigh 146 pounds (down 74, baby!) and am ridiculously happy and optimistic about my life and my future.

The weight loss has definately contributed to my happiness, I'm not going to lie. With weight loss came more self-confidence. With more self-confidence, I was able to slowly but surely drag myself out of a deep depression, and start making positive changes in my life.

Two years on Weight Watchers!!! Woo-hoo!!!

I'll celebrate this day every year for the rest of my life. May 9th is a good day indeed.

art: by Lisa Frank ;-)

I'm back, baby!

I'm so happy with my dieting situation right now.  I think that I needed that wakeup call last week.

Thank you to everyone who read my last post and commented!  You ladies seriously rock my world, and your supportive comments really helped me get through that craziness.

:-)

Life is one big ball of stress right now, so I will make this post short and sweet so that I can get back to said stress.  The biggest stressor = finals are coming.  My first final is tonight!!! At 5:30 central time, if you want to send positive thoughts/energy/prayers my way.  Whatever you got, I'll take! 

Anyway, after reflecting A LOT about why I was starting to hear my old ED-voice again, I realized that it really was about control.  I felt completely out of control in my life, and food and exercise were two things that I can definately control.  But, luckily, I DID NOT listen to that voice.  I caught myself in time, and have continued my healthy eating.

One good thing to come out of that mess:  I am fully embracing Weight Watchers.  Once again, I am committed to tracking my food and exercise on ww.com, and to follow the principles of the Simply Filling Technique.  I briefly considered going back to counting Points Plus full time, but decided that the SFT works so well for me mentally, that I will just stick with that.

I have decided that I may never be able to be an intuitive eater.  As someone with a history of eating disorders, that may not be a realistic goal.  I may need to track my food in some way forever.  *gulp*

Just saying that out loud has actually been a relief for me.  No more big IE goal for me, looming just out of my reach.  I can embrace intuitive eating within the borders of Weight Watchers with the SFT. 

Another reason that I know for sure that my eating disorder hasn't resurfaced:  I answered a poll on the 20's board this morning about the Points Plus program, and how much weight I have lost since starting it.

I looked back in my Weight Tracker, because I really had no clue.  Turns out I've lost 13.4 pounds in the 21 weeks of Points Plus.  And that seems like a great rate of loss for someone so close to goal!  If I continue to lose at that rate (about .6 pound a week), I will be at my goal weight of 135 by my birthday in October. Perfect.  But, I'm not going to obsess about that number.  Instead, I'm going to just focus on the SFT and on my exercise schedule, and get to my goal weight whenever my body is ready for it.  One day at a time.

P.S.  I lost 1.2 this week!!!  Only .4 away from where I was before the gain a couple of weeks ago.  More proof that it's so much easier to gain weight than it is to lose it. 

Hello, Weight Watchers. I've missed you!

Okay, with all of the back-and-forth that I've been doing lately, I won't be surprised if you don't believe me when I say this:

I'm recommitting to Weight Watchers! 

I've decided to follow the plan as written (hmmm, sound familiar?  It should, because it's the number one tip in my "Tips for Weight Watchers"!  Time to start listening to myself, yes?). 

I'm committing to follow the Simply Filling Technique as I lose these last few pounds and well into maintenance. 

Something has just clicked in my head.  I'm not ready to stop tracking on weightwatchers.com.  I'm simply not ready.

I tried it.  Sparkpeople was awesome, but for whatever reason, I was not holding myself accountable tracking on there.  I overate three times this week, one time being and actual binge. 

Many of my WW.com friends have helped me to see the reasons.  One person let me know that it is most likely complacency on my part.  I'm almost to the weight loss "finish line" and so I feel as if I shouldn't have to work as hard.  WRONG.  I have to work just as hard to lose the last 12 as I did to lose the first 12.

One friend said: 

You are one pound from getting your 75 pound star! 

For those of you who have never done Weight Watchers Online, the stars are rewarded to members on their home pages of ww.com at significant weight loss milestones.  You get a new star for every 5 pounds, plus special ones at 10%, 25 pounds, 50 pounds, 75 pounds, 100 pounds, GOAL weight, etc.  I only have two more big starts to get: 75 pounds and GOAL!!! 

WOW, did that shock me!  I hadn't even thought of that yet.  I mean, I knew that I was heading towards the "only 10 pounds left to lose" mark, and I knew that my ultimate goal is to lose 85 pounds, but I hadn't put 2 and 2 together yet.  :-)  Well, now I have.

Any damage that I may have done this week with my crazed overeating will be minimal compared to what it could have been had I not stopped it now.  Three days of overeating?  A blip in the radar.  No big deal.

Back on track, and feeling amazing!

Stacey (boyfriend) says something every time that one of his sports teams almost gets to the finals, only to get eliminated right before: 

"They were looking forward to the next game. 

They forgot that they had to win this game first!"

I believe that is exactly what I had started to do with my weight loss journey.  I was looking ahead, looking for how the heck I was going to maintain this weight loss, but I forgot that I have to win this game, er, lose 12 more pounds, first.  :-)

So that's what I'm doing!  Focusing on losing the last 12 (maybe 13 now... depending on if I gained this week!) pounds.  One pound at a time.

Taking a WW break...

First of all, thanks for all of the haircut and swimsuit compliments!!! They made my day(s). :-) Yes, it took a lot of guts to post that swimsuit picture on a public blog, but I figured: why not? I hope to inspire other women to post pictures of themselves in swimsuits, smiling from ear to ear, and loving the way they look despite imperfections. And yes, despite how much I love that swimsuit, I did notice imperfections in my thighs and hips in that picture! But, I was somehow able to look past that, and to know that overall, the picture was beautiful.

I am officially taking a break from Weight Watchers. I doubt that this will last longer than a week, but it just may.

Why am I doing this? Mostly because I'm just kind of feeling "eh" about it. I want to eat healthy vegan foods to satisfaction. All healthy vegan foods.

I'm not going to take a break from tracking my foods, however. Or from eating right, or from exercising. Just from calling what I do "Weight Watchers" because I don't think that I want to follow WW right now.

I just want to be me! When I made this announcement this morning on my Weight Watchers home page, I was met with a bunch of "don't do it!!!!!!!!!!!!" warnings.

I want to assure my blog readers that just because I'm taking a break from WW, I am not going to gain any weight back. No siree, regain is NOT an option for me. I really believe that WW has taught me a lot about healthy eating and portion control.

I will resume "Leah's Weight Watchers Plan" next week, probably. And tomorrow will be another Tasty Tuesday! And it probably won't be very different from what I have been eating on WW.

Have any of you ever tracked on Sparkpeople?? I have started it today, and I'm loving it. My username is: LEAHNEW.

"Leah's Weight Watchers Plan" has begun...

As I mentioned recently, I have been considering making the Weight Watchers plan a better fit for me by changing the program/diet up a bit to suit my needs (and wants!).

This is not something that I recommend to anyone just starting out on Weight Watchers, and I am going into this with my eyes wide open. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. If I gain weight, I gain weight. And if that happens, I will have to either tweak my tweaks, or go back to Weight Watchers as written.

It just feels like the next step for me, as I get closer to maintenence. I want to make a few tweaks to the Weight Watchers plan that will help to make it better for ME.

Basically, I will be staying on the Simply Filling Technique, but adding some foods to the Power Foods. As I add more foods to the Power Foods (foods that I can eat to satisfaction without counting PointsPlus), I will subtract PointsPlus from my 49 Weekly Allowance Points.

This week, I have added hummus to my Power Foods, and since I rarely eat more than a spoonful a day (usually much less), I have subtracted 5 WPA.

Next week, I'm planning to add one more item, and subtract WPA accordingly. I'm taking this process slow, and seeing what happens. I'm pretty excited to see how it all works out!

Foods that I will be adding to my Power Foods list:

1) hummus

2) healthy, whole foods crackers and cold cereals

3) nuts and natural nut butters

4) avocados

After adding one new item weekly, I will eventually no longer have the 49 WPA, and will be using Activity Points for any foods not on the Power Foods list (which will by then include all of the above foods).

Did I explain it okay? I hope so! I think that tweaking the plan is a good thing for me right now. It didn't work in the past, but I'm pretty sure that was for a few reasons:

1. I wasn't working hard. I was using my "tweaks" as an excuse to be lazy and not really work any program.
2. My tweaks were too vague.
3. I was interested in losing weight, but not committed!

Have you ever changed the program to fit your needs?

What were your results?

Stay tuned for tonight's "Tasty Tuesday" post! ;-)

Healthy Vegan Intuitive Eating!!!

The title of this entry is what I'm starting to move towards, diet-wise. Weight Watchers has been amazing for me, and I don't plan to EVER stray from their basic principles, especially the Good Health Guidelines.

But...

...I'm getting tired of dieting. I'm sick of tracking every bite. I'm starting to resent Weight Watchers. And yes, I know that IT WORKS because I have lost almost 70 pounds!!! For that, and for so much more, I owe WW a lot.

I've said from the beginning of this blog that I want to eventually stop counting and start eating intuitively again. I've decided that, as risky as it may be, that time will start a month into maintaining my goal weight of 145. Maybe sooner than that! I'm just ready to really start listening to my body again.

The Simply Filling Technique has been AMAZING for me so far. It allows me to keep clinging to the diet that is Weight Watchers while having much more freedom in how much I eat. I'm now actually listening to my hunger signals and choosing healthy foods at least 80% of the time. Yesterday, I had a 100% Power Foods day and didn't really realize it until today.

Choosing Power Foods has become much easier for me.

Here's why I want to eventually wean off of WW: I want to enjoy healthy fats again. And I know, it's possible to enjoy them as a WW-er, but I have issues with the high PointsPlus values assigned to things like avocados and almonds. Those are very healthy foods!!! If WW distinguished between good fats and bad fats, I could probably stay on WW forever.

For now, I'm going to continue on with WW's Simply Filling Technique, using my weekly PointsPlus and Activity PointsPlus on healthy fats and the occasional vegan pizza/cookie/chips. It definately is working for me, but there is still something missing.

It's just another step towards how I want to eat forever: Healthy. Vegan. Intuitive.

I want to make this clear: I have nothing but wonderful things to say about the Weight Watchers program! It is exactly what I needed to lose the weight, and what I will need to learn how much I'll need to eat in order to maintain that weight loss.

It's an amazing way to learn portion control and about healthy eating. It's a wonderful plan that will allow you to lose the weight slowly and steadily (something that I now love, but hated at first!) and will teach you how to keep the weight off. I love WW! I will probably track my food in some way or another for the rest of my life. Just not always in the Points/Calorie counting way.

I just wanted to be honest on my blog here: I'm almost ready to say "good-bye" to WW. I'll let you know before I take the plunge; it won't be any time soon. Probably by the summer.

To my WW/calorie counting readers:

Do you plan to stay on WW and/or count calories forever?

A Shout-Out to "Oh She Glows" and my thoughts on switching to the Simply Filling Technique.

I stumbled upon this blog (click on the picture to see it yourself) a few days ago, thanks to one of my commenters mentioning it (Thanks, Lizzie! ).

WOW. This blog really speaks to me! Angela has a story simular to mine. She has a history of eating disorders and a history of not loving herself.

She found a way to say "goodbye" to dieting forever. I hope to do the same some day.

For now, I will continue with Weight Watchers, and will probably stay on it until a few months after reaching my goal weight. Then... I will be going back to something so scary-sounding to a chronic dieter that I hesitate to mention it on this blog: Intuitive Eating.

It's how I want to eat. I dream of the day that I can just listen to my hunger signals, eat healthy and whole foods to satisfaction, an occassional vegan cupcake, and maintain a healthy weight forever.

And after reading some of "Oh She Glows", I realize that my dream is not so impossible. If she can do it, so can I! :-)

I'm going to start the BIG SWITCH from counting PointsPlus for everything to the Simply Filling Technique.

I'm starting right now by eating mostly Power Foods and trying to listen to my hunger signals.

I plan to go fully SFT in March, and to give that method 100% for the entire month.

It just sounds like so much freedom, being done counting PointsPlus!

Here's how the Simply Filling Technique works:

Choose food from the Power Foods list. All of those foods have no PointsPlus anymore. You no longer have a Daily Points target to get to, all you have is your Power Foods and your hunger signals.

You do still have your 49 Weekly Points and any Activity Points. All of these can be used for foods that are not on the Power Foods list. For me, that would be: chips, pizza, tortillas, redvines, oreos, and chocolate. These are all foods that I already eat in moderation, so I am starting to really believe that I can handle the Simply Filling Technique!!!

The only problem is listening to my hunger signals. But if I want to eventually be an Intuitive Eater (not count PointsPlus/calories for anything, just listen to hunger signals and cravings), I have to start somewhere. The Simply Filling Technique seems like a great stepping stone.

FAQ from the WW message boards... edition #1 "only 1 pound?!"

***Warning: This will be a preach-y post.***

I am on the Weight Watchers message boards a lot. Probably too much. And there are a few things that new members ask about that rub me the wrong way.

But I know what being a newbie is like! I was one pretty recently (late May/early June 2009).

This is the first installment of my WW message boards FAQ, with my personal answers!

1) I worked SO HARD this week and lost ONLY ONE POUND!!!

What am I doing wrong???

The only thing that you're doing wrong is placing unrealistic expectations upon yourself (and the scale, and WW). Weight Watchers is designed for a slow, steady approach to weight loss (.5-2 pounds per week).

Remember: Losing 1 pound every week is more than 50 pounds every year! The slower losses are because WW is more than just a diet. As cliche as this sounds, WW really is a lifestyle change!

Eating less, moving more, but nothing drastic. No food groups cut out, no extreme exercise plan, no intense deprivation from ANY FOOD. WW is simply: Everything in moderation.

I know that I could lose really fast (3 or 4 pounds a week!!!) if I stopped eating everything that I love, and spent hours at the gym every day. (And believe me, that is something I've tried in the past, several times, only to regain the weigh PLUS some). With a slower rate of loss, my mind has had the time to catch up with my body.

I am in the healthy weight range after a year and a half on WW. And because it took me this long to get here, I see that in the mirror. I don't still feel like the "fat girl". Every time that I've lost weight quickly, I still felt fat, even when I wasn't.

And let me tell you: I am loving not feeling fat!!! It is great to look down at myself and think: YES! I've not fat anymore! And to KNOW that, not just because of the number on the scale.

Well, I've kind of gone off on a personal tangent here, but that's what blogging is for, right? :-)

POWER FOODS!!!!!!!

Wow, what a powerful day I had yesterday! :-)

I ate 100% from the Power Foods list, and I have to say that I felt great all day long. From my oatmeal breakfast to my brown rice and beans lunch and dinner, to my fruit and veggie snacks... I was satisfied.

I ended up eating less than my daily PointsPlus. I ate 26 PointsPlus yesterday! It is a WW first for me. Since starting WW in May/June 2009, I have never gone under my daily points. Nope, I've been an eat-whatever-I-can kind of gal, usually eating all DP plus some WP/AP every day.

So I was shocked when I went to bed last night, satisfied at 26.

I almost took pictures of both my lunch and dinner, but ultimately decided against it! Would you like to see pictures of my food, or would that be too KERF-y for this blog? (I love KERF, by the way, I just don't know if people are interested in seeing pictures of my meals, or if reading about them is good enough for this blog).

Seriously, they were delicious! I need to make another big batch of rice in my rice cooker tonight, since I'm almost all done with what I made on Monday.

Lunch (10 PointsPlus): mixed together in a bowl- 1 cup brown rice, 1/2 cup ff refried beans, salsa (to taste), 1/2 cup corn (kernels, canned, NSA), 1 tsp EVOO. note: On a normal WW day, this would have tasted even better in a tortilla, and it would have only been one more PointPlus (I get high-fiber, low-carb tortillas)

Dinner (10 PointsPlus): mixed together in a bowl- 1 cup brown rice, 1/2 cup black beans, 1/2 cup corn (kernels, canned, NSA), 1 tsp EVOO, green beans (canned, NSA, entire can), sea salt and black pepper (to taste)

I usually don't eat corn, but I realized yesterday how much I have missed it! When I was planning my meals, I saw that I would be under points for the day. So I added corn to both meals, and I was still a bit under for the day.

Maybe it's that I stuck to the Power Foods list, maybe it's because I ate bigger, pointier meals, but whatever the reason, I had NO cravings for junk yesterday, and ended the day satisfied and with 3 PointsPlus to spare.

Since I don't enjoy eating less than my DP (in fact, I always want to eat at least my DP, never go under) I don't plan to have another Power Foods challenge day again.

I think that as a vegan who doesn't cook much, I need my nuts and nut butters to get me the PointsPlus that my body needs.

Yesterday did teach me some things:

1) Power Foods really are powerful. I was satisfied between meals, and never had junk food cravings, which is rare for me.

2) I will be able to do the Simply Filling Technique easily, if I ever want to. Yesterday's food + a tortilla and an ounce of almonds on SFT = 6 points. I can do it!

3) I don't need my granola bar for breakfast, but I sure do love it. And the simple sugars in it may be causing my junk food cravings all day long? I am not sure, but I've heard that theory and had never tested it until yesterday.

Delicious Power Foods Day...so far.

Breakfast: 1/2 cup oatmeal (4), 3/4 cup light soy milk (2), banana (0)

Lunch: 1 cup brown rice mixed with 1 tsp EVOO (6), 1/2 cup refried beans (2), 1/2 cup corn (2), salsa (0)

Snacks: apple slices (0), cherry tomatoes (0)

Planned dinner: brown rice pasta (5), 1/2 cup black beans (2), 1 tsp EVOO (1), canned tomatoes (0); steamed veggies (0)

Planned evening snacks: celery (0), carrots (0), boca burgers (3), green beans (0), banana (0)

Planned workout: 40 minutes cardio (+6)

I will have 2 PointsPlus left after all of that, but I will have eaten so many zero PointsPlus fruits and veggies that I will possibly be completely satisfied without eating any more. But if I need to eat more, I will probably eat some more corn, since it was so delicious with my lunch!

Power Foods challenge- Day 1 Plan

Today is not a Power Foods challenge day. I already ate the following non-Power Foods:

-Nature Valley crunchy granola bar, Roasted Almond flavor

-1 oz. Blue Diamond Almonds in Bold: Wasabi & Soy Sauce flavor

-Oreo stix (this is the last one that I had, thank goodness!)

Power Foods eaten:

-banana

-water...?

I need to get better at this, clearly!

I neglected to make my huge pot of brown rice this weekend, so that has been procrastinated to today. I will be using my rice cooker, so it requires very little time and effort. It is one of those rice cooker/vegetable steamer things (simular item pictured, Target $9.99), so I will be steaming some veggies for dinner, too!

I have no clue what a Power Foods breakfast is like. I may have to wake up early enough to enjoy oatmeal... but with my late night homework/studying night + my early morning cardio session, the likelihood of that happening...? Not so good.

I will probably end up eating fruit for breakfast. And starving until lunch... At least that's what I have pictured in my head. Which I really don't want to do...

Plan for Day 1:

breakfast- maybe overnight oats made with soy milk and fruit...?

lunch- rice, beans, salsa, veggies, evoo

dinner- rice, beans, veggies, evoo

snacks- fruit, veggies, boca burger

What are some good, vegan, QUICK, Power Foods breakfast ideas???