Healing Hair

8 weeks ago, this is what my hair looked like:

It was super long, and not very pretty because it's super thin, fine, and damaged from so many colorings.  The platinum blonde was seeping through May's dye job pretty horrendously, giving most of my hair a very yellow tinge.  Also, it was a NIGHTMARE to brush through after washing it.  Like, it would take me literally an hour to brush through the tangles.  I hated this hair.

So I got 6 inches chopped off, and had a few subtle layers added.  I was honestly hoping for one of those big sweeping bangs, but my hair refused to cooperate with that.

It felt nice, and was easier to comb through.  And I started to feel pretty again.  Selfies began to happen again, just because.

But it still didn't feel like "me".  I really feel that once someone finds their signature look, they become more complete.  Any other looks that person has in the future will forever be measured against that signature look that they loved and felt comfortable with.

For me, that look is short hair.  I miss my short hair so much.



March 2011



I may be a few pounds  *cough*100*cough*  heavier now, but I still have the same face shape, even if it is a bit rounder with a less defined jaw line.

I have never felt more like myself than the year that I had that haircut.  It was just so... ME.

I felt unstoppable with that hair. 

I started to grow it out in January 2012 because I couldn't afford the upkeep anymore (only because I insisted on only going to my favorite salon, which always cost me at least $60/month to keep it that short length).

By the time Mom died in June 2012, my hair looked like this:

Then, I stopped caring about everything when Mom died (less than a month after the above pic was taken), especially about taking care of  myself.  This included my hair. 

I cared a bit here and there though, even trying to new things like this:

But usually, like 99/100 days, I looked like this:

...because I just didn't care.  And also because I wasn't... myself.  I have been a grieving version of my former self.

I know that I will never get back to the life that I had and the self that I was before Mom died.  I accept that.

But things are slowly but surely getting better for me.  And I'm ready to get back to being me.

One step towards that is getting help with my binge eating.  Another step is making sure that I take care of myself, from the inside out.

This includes all sorts of things, including healthy eating and exercise.

But also personal hygiene.  I don't know if any of you are familiar with depression and grief, but one of the grosser side effects of it is that personal hygiene can take a nosedive.  That has been the case for me.

I still shower and stuff, but I don't wash my face at night, or brush my teeth every morning, or put on face cream or sunblock, or wear makeup/do my hair regularly. 

I'm pretty okay with leaving regular makeup behind me, but the rest of it needs to make a comeback.

Another way that I'm working on cleaning up my act:  Cleaning the house.

I've never been the world's greatest housekeeper, but I really have let things go since Mom died.  My grief vision didn't even really notice it.  But I notice it now.  Stacks of laundry, both clean and dirty, all over my bedroom.  Dishes stack in the sink.  Bathroom counter filled with junk. 

So along with working on my personal hygiene habits, I will be working on my housecleaning habits. 

Anyway, back to the main point of this post.  My hair.

I got SICK of waiting to be thin again before cutting my hair off.  Which, by the way, is something that I wasn't even admitting to myself.  But I totally was.  I hate my long hair, and want my short hair back, but I feel like I will look grosser and fatter if I get it all chopped off, like somehow long hair hides or balances out my girth. 

So I am going shorter in steps again.

Here's the first step:

 

My beautiful angled bob.  I already feel more like myself.  I'm getting my signature look back! 

 

It feels great.  

xoxoxoxo

Wearing my Grief

I had an epiphany about the extra weight that I just can't seem to get or keep off since Mom died 13 months ago and I quickly gained 40 then slowly several more pounds...

I figured out a while back that I was eating my grief.  So many uncomfortable emotions were easily pushed away for minutes at a time with a binge.  And sometimes even minutes of relief were enough to justify my actions.  Seriously, some days I couldn't breathe, I was in so much pain.

Figuring out why I was eating too  much, and eating the wrong things in general, was pretty easy to do.  But figuring out why it's been such a struggle to lose any of it?  Why every time I lost some inches around my middle only to quickly gain them back?  This was more difficult for me.

The answer is that I'm simply not ready to be done with the initial grieving.  Grieving is different for everyone, it seems.  Despite how much I would love to be able to figure out my life without Mom in it, to be able to feel "normal" again, to be able to get back to a healthy lifestyle that includes eating mostly healthy foods and exercising most days...  I'm not quite there yet.

I still cry nearly every day.  I am still figuring out how to survive without Mom.  I was in shock for a long time, and am just now starting to really allow myself to feel the loss and accept it.

This extra weight represents what I've been through the last year.  It is almost like a badge of courage that I made it through the most difficult thing I've ever been through.  I am wearing my grief.

I turned to some coping mechanisms that I was familiar with, and I gained a lot of weight as a side effect.  This is not like the times I've gained weight in the past, where it was all about low self esteem and wanting control of my life.  This was pure emotion.  Pure grief.  Pure love for my mom.  Real stuff.  Powerful stuff.

I'm not recommending this coping mechanism for anyone.  Obviously, I wish that I could have coped with this sudden and devastating loss in another way.  Like, why oh why didn't I just go for a walk to clear my head every time the pain got to be too much?  Why didn't I throw myself into some creative outlet, like painting or collage, as a way to express my feelings?

The fact is that I have issues with food for most of my life.  Specifically, I have issues with using food for things that food is not meant to be used for.  In the past, I used it as a punishment.  I thought that I deserved to be fat (or, during the bout of undereating in my early 20's, that I didn't deserve to eat).  This time, it was about comforting myself.

Some days eating was the only thing that kept me from contemplating suicide.  Seriously.  And I'm glad that out of those options, I chose food.  So in that big way, comfort eating helped me to survive.  I think that many people focus on weight gain, and how to lose the weight, but forget that sometimes overeating serves a need.  I'm not saying that it's a healthy way to cope, or that there wasn't a better way to serve that need, but I am saying that a need was met, and it's okay to stop beating myself up about comfort eating.

Because I never truly recovered from my EDNOS, it was only natural that I turned to food as a coping mechanism to help myself stay afloat.  People who knew me before Mom died don't need to wonder about why I am so much bigger than I was in May 2012.  They know that this has been a rough year for me.

So I am starting to look at my current bigger size as a badge of grief.  I am wearing my grief.  And when I'm ready to shed the grief a bit, I will lose the weight.  I am slowly but surely beginning to feel like myself again.  I believe that as I explore further EDNOS recovery and grief counseling, one day I will not need to carry this extra weight around anymore.  One day I won't want to (need to) wear my grief around.

But that day is not today.  And that's okay.

Thanks for reading.

wearing my grief, but also wearing a genuine
smile thanks to my amazing bellydancing cousins!

Mom.

I have survived this week.  

This was a week that I have been dreading for awhile.

Sunday was Mothers Day.  Tuesday would have been Mom's 53rd birthday.

at her 50th birthday party!

Mothers Day and Mom's birthday being so close together was so much fun when she was alive.  It was fun to spoil her so much at once, and she was so easy to please.  Just give her a little of attention and she would eat it up with a spoon.  Mom was such a sweet lady, and didn't do enough for herself.  She never expected anyone to do anything for her, either.  She seemed to live for others.

I tried several times to get her to do more things just for her.  And sometimes she would listen.  We had lots of fun together, but the last year or so we mostly sat around watching TV together.  That was our bonding time.  We watched The Young and the Restless, Buffy, Charmed, Pretty Little Liars, The Gilmore Girls, and more.  I think that this is why I've become more of a TV addict the last year, because it makes me feel close to her.

She desperately wanted to feel pretty again.  She hated what her medications did to her appearance (they caused some weight gain and also a general puffiness to her face and neck).  I thought (and told her) that nothing could make her NOT beautiful.  She was a beautiful person, inside AND out.  

Anyway... it's been almost a year since I've had a conversation with my mother.  It was May 23rd when she had surgery.  It was June 18th when her body died.  The last conversation that I had with her was on the phone as she was wheeled away for her second surgery in the middle of the night on May 24/25th.  I last spoke to her with her being conscious but unable to talk a couple of days later...  

All of those dates are coming up.  I'm not past all of these terrible anniversaries yet.  June 18th will be the last first anniversary for this stuff.  So please keep me and my family in  your thoughts and prayers for awhile, because if the rest of my family is struggling as much as I am with this one year mark, then there are a lot of people in a severe amount of pain.

I'm not ready for the one year mark.  I'm just not.  But I wasn't ready for Mothers Day or her birthday, either... and here I am on the other side of those.  Still going.

I am very depressed.  I am extremely emotional most of the time.  I think that my "fake it till you make it" face has broken down, because I am unable to just hang out and seem happy right now.  I feel like I'm oozing with sadness.

I've had 4 days of emotional eating and only exercised once this week.  I'm scared (on top of everything else) that I'm about to regain the 20 pounds that I lost this year.  

I'm not going to let that fear drag me into another diet, though.  Nope.  Instead, I'm going to focus on Mom.  I'm going to treat myself the way that Mom would treat me if she were here, witnessing my pain.  

me, Mom, and Joel

She would tell me to baby myself, to take care of myself, and to love myself.  She would remind me of all of my accomplishments, and about how proud she is of me.  She would remind me that I want to be an intuitive eater, and that it's  okay to have had one bad week.  She would tell me to focus  on the good things.  She would give me a big hug and remind me that I am loved.

I am loved.  

If you are feeling overwhelmed with life, even if you really don't think you would ever hurt yourself, please call the crisis hotline for  help: 1-800-784-2433.  I called them last night and they helped me very much.  It's okay to ask for help.

2012 recap...

Okay, as most of you know, 2012 has been a whirlwind year for me, full of many changes, most of them terrible.  Okay, all of them terrible.  I cannot think of one positive thing to say about the year, honestly...  It seems like every good memory of 2012 that I have has an equal and opposite bad memory to correspond. 

Anyway...  I decided to look at my posts from the first few months of the year, to honestly see how I was doing with health (weight, exercise, etc.) before my life went ape shit. 

And here's what I found out:  Even before all of these terrible life events happened, my weight was slowly rising.  I had gained a bit back since my low in May 2011 of 144... about 20 pounds to be exact.  There was some fluctuation going on.

May 2011 - me at 144

I was back up to 165 by the time that I took my New York trip in May of 2012.

May 2012 - me at 165

I was still feeling pretty good about my size at that point.  I really didn't like to be overweight by BMI's standards, but felt like I pulled off the size 14s pretty well.  I look at this picture now and wish that I could  have stopped there instead of what came next...

What came next was that my Mom was hospitalized in May and died in June of this year.  What followed was that I quickly gained 40 pounds with a mixture of extreme emotional eating binges and a ton of sitting around all day. 

Since then, I've been wavering around the 200 pound mark.  I got up to 209, down to 197, and have stayed around there.  It's been 6 months now, and that's still where I'm at. 

September 2012 - me at 209.2

But I'm finally starting to turn my eating and exercising around.  The grief is still very much there, but I'm working on FEELING those feelings instead of stuffing them down with cookie dough, Ruffles, pizza, and toaster pastries.

It turns out that what I was doing to feel better (binge eating on junk food and moving as little as possible) are actually making me feel worse.  My mind tricked me into thinking that junk food and inactivity would help me to feel less depressed and pathetic, but the truth is that two of the best ways to naturally improve my mood are healthy eating and exercise.  What a vicious cycle depression eating has been.  Feel crappy, so eat crappy, then feel crappier, only to eat crappy again... 

So in summation, 2012 has SUCKED.  It has sucked personally, emotionally, and physically.  I've never been more ready for a new year than I am right now.  2012 can suck it.   2013 has to be a better year.

I will be back within a few days for a much more uplifting post about my healthy plans for 2013!!!

Comfort Eating: I'm doing it wrong.

As you probably know, I'm depressed.

I suffer from a long history of depression, anxiety, and disordered eating.  However, I had it mostly  under control for years.  Then my mom died, and suddenly I'm dealing with copious amounts of "normal" grief.

Because of my aformentioned history of mental illness, I struggle with trying to figure out what is normal grief, and what is extreme of me.  I've come to the conclusion that everything I'm going through is normal grief. 

My depression and anxiety issues have reappeared, but I think that most "normal" people  have issues with these when a loved one dies.  It may be more extreme for those of us who already struggle with these, but I doubt it.  Anyway, I digress.

The third issue... disordered eating?  That has never gone completely away for me, but I had it shoved under the rug for a bit, disguised as a "healthy" preoccupation with Weight Watchers and other various diet plans from late 2009 to early 2012. 

My WLJ in a nutshell:  I lost a lot of weight with WW and other diet programs in 2010 and early 2011 (from 220+ to 144), then slowly gained back about 20 pounds by 2012, but felt pretty comfortable around 165...  Then shit hit the fan in May and I got back up to 209 within just a few weeks.  Since then, I've been trying really hard to at least NOT GAIN ANYMORE.  I lost a few pounds, gained a few back, etc.  I'm around 197 now, after six months of this...

A lot of this crazy imbalance has to do with COMFORT EATING.

This is not a normal thing to do, I realize.  Eating my feelings away, eating to numb myself, eating to supress, eating to distract, eating to remember, eating to forget, eating to ease lonliness, eating to procrastinate, eating because I feel guilt about the procrastination...  etc.

But it is actually normal for grief to affect one's appetite and to change one's eating habits.  Some go to this extreme, of emotional overeating, but others go to the opposite extreme and have to have folks remind them to eat.  (Is it wrong that I'm jealous of those people?  YES, probably.)

But here's the thing:  I'm comfort eating wrong.  If the goal of my comfort eating is to improve my mood, to help make life a little bit happier, or at least a little bit easier, then I'm eating the WRONG things.

According to my extensive internet research, these are foods that will actually help improve mood:

• spinach
• whole grains
• FRUITS, especially bananas
• walnuts
• yogurt
• dark chocolate
• lentils
• salmon and halibut
• popcorn

Nowhere were MY favorite comfort foods to be found!  Nowhere did I read a list like this:

• potato chips (dip optional)
• corn chips
• snack cakes
• cookies
• toaster pastries
• french fries
• macaroni and cheese
• pizza

Therefore, I've been comfort eating all wrong.  It's time to actually try to comfort eat correctly.  I'm going to try to work these "happy foods" into my diet, and to say goodbye to the comfort foods listed above (except in moderation, of course).

I probably will not hop off of the vegetarian train to try the fish, but who knows, I may some day.  Not at first though, and I will let you guys know WAY beforehand if I decide to do that. 

At this point, I'm thinking that I'm planning to stay vegetarian for now, and may even go back to vegan eating soon, or at least have several vegan days per week. 

Also, another good thing for mood improvement:  MOVEMENT!!!

Which is another thing that I've let slip lately. 

It's crazy that to improve one's mood one must eat healthy foods and exercise, and yet whenever I'm in a bad mood I want to do the opposite. 

It's time to do it right. 

Are there any foods that you eat that  you do so for comfort reasons? 

Any healthy foods that you find actually DO improve your mood?