looking inward

First, a brief report on The Color Run:  I had a terrible cold, but decided to race anyway!  It was Stacey's first official 5K, and he rocked it, finishing in 30 minutes.  The race course was only 2.83 miles, and I finished in 39.  I ran a lot of it, and really enjoyed myself.  The color didn't feel good in my sick lungs, though, so I stayed away from it as much as possible.  My team was called "Mopey Zoo Lion" and this was our second run together.  We all decorate our own T-Shirts with mopey lions, and here is the back of Stacey's:

Now on to today's topic, which is looking inward.

Knowing my body as well as I know it these days, I have noticed that I have gotten a little bit bigger lately.  My size 18's are a little snug, and my stomach is a bit pouchier than it was last month.  In several of the professional racing pictures of me, I noticed that my hips and thighs have gotten quite large again.

My hips don't lie!

I'm not freaking out and hopping back on the diet bandwagon.  Instead I am looking inward to figure out why I have been turning to food for reasons other than hunger so much lately.

Some of it is emotional eating.

Sadness: The "holidays" are here again, which is a sad reminder of how different life is without Mom.
Stress: This semester is stressful as I try to improve my GPA and study to retake the LSAT and prepare my law school applications.  My life is in transition right now, as I am so close to the next step in my life, which will include planning a wedding (not officially engaged, but Stacey and I have discussed getting married before law school) and planning a move, along with planning for law school (hopefully!).

So I know the triggers for my emotional eating, and I'm glad that I've come to know my body so well that I have caught this emotional eating before it got too out of hand.

So what am I going to do, now that I've noticed this unwelcome change in my body?

I'm going to stay away from the scale and the diet books.

I'm going to take care of myself as I recover from a terrible cold.

I'm going to browse the Intuitive Eating community forums.

I'm going to work on eating more vegetables and fruits to give my body the natural medicine it needs to get well.

I'm not going to weigh myself, google the best way to lose weight quickly, sign up for Weight Watchers for the 10,000th time, make a hardcore cardio exercise plan and force myself to stick to it NO MATTER WHAT, or feel badly about myself in any way.

I love myself, and that includes my body.  I even love myself and my body when I am heavier than I'd like to be.  How revolutionary!

I will get back to a more comfortable (for me) size as soon as I am supposed to.  There is no rush.  I will be an intuitive eater who does not eat her emotions one day.

Today I have learned that I have made progress towards that goal, by simply being in tune with my body more than I used to be.  As I said in an earlier post, I am no longer avoiding mirrors or posing for full body pictures.  I am no longer scared of my body, nor do I  hate it.  This is progress.  So I'm proud.

I'm not blogging about this to admit to a failure, and to hang my head in shame at having gained weight, to give a report on how I'm going to fix it.  No siree.  That is not what this blog is about anymore.  It's about getting healthy and happy.

I am blogging about this to share an interesting part of this recovery journey with you all.

10/30/2013 - feeling encouraged!
(and rocking my half marathon tee!)

Wearing my Grief

I had an epiphany about the extra weight that I just can't seem to get or keep off since Mom died 13 months ago and I quickly gained 40 then slowly several more pounds...

I figured out a while back that I was eating my grief.  So many uncomfortable emotions were easily pushed away for minutes at a time with a binge.  And sometimes even minutes of relief were enough to justify my actions.  Seriously, some days I couldn't breathe, I was in so much pain.

Figuring out why I was eating too  much, and eating the wrong things in general, was pretty easy to do.  But figuring out why it's been such a struggle to lose any of it?  Why every time I lost some inches around my middle only to quickly gain them back?  This was more difficult for me.

The answer is that I'm simply not ready to be done with the initial grieving.  Grieving is different for everyone, it seems.  Despite how much I would love to be able to figure out my life without Mom in it, to be able to feel "normal" again, to be able to get back to a healthy lifestyle that includes eating mostly healthy foods and exercising most days...  I'm not quite there yet.

I still cry nearly every day.  I am still figuring out how to survive without Mom.  I was in shock for a long time, and am just now starting to really allow myself to feel the loss and accept it.

This extra weight represents what I've been through the last year.  It is almost like a badge of courage that I made it through the most difficult thing I've ever been through.  I am wearing my grief.

I turned to some coping mechanisms that I was familiar with, and I gained a lot of weight as a side effect.  This is not like the times I've gained weight in the past, where it was all about low self esteem and wanting control of my life.  This was pure emotion.  Pure grief.  Pure love for my mom.  Real stuff.  Powerful stuff.

I'm not recommending this coping mechanism for anyone.  Obviously, I wish that I could have coped with this sudden and devastating loss in another way.  Like, why oh why didn't I just go for a walk to clear my head every time the pain got to be too much?  Why didn't I throw myself into some creative outlet, like painting or collage, as a way to express my feelings?

The fact is that I have issues with food for most of my life.  Specifically, I have issues with using food for things that food is not meant to be used for.  In the past, I used it as a punishment.  I thought that I deserved to be fat (or, during the bout of undereating in my early 20's, that I didn't deserve to eat).  This time, it was about comforting myself.

Some days eating was the only thing that kept me from contemplating suicide.  Seriously.  And I'm glad that out of those options, I chose food.  So in that big way, comfort eating helped me to survive.  I think that many people focus on weight gain, and how to lose the weight, but forget that sometimes overeating serves a need.  I'm not saying that it's a healthy way to cope, or that there wasn't a better way to serve that need, but I am saying that a need was met, and it's okay to stop beating myself up about comfort eating.

Because I never truly recovered from my EDNOS, it was only natural that I turned to food as a coping mechanism to help myself stay afloat.  People who knew me before Mom died don't need to wonder about why I am so much bigger than I was in May 2012.  They know that this has been a rough year for me.

So I am starting to look at my current bigger size as a badge of grief.  I am wearing my grief.  And when I'm ready to shed the grief a bit, I will lose the weight.  I am slowly but surely beginning to feel like myself again.  I believe that as I explore further EDNOS recovery and grief counseling, one day I will not need to carry this extra weight around anymore.  One day I won't want to (need to) wear my grief around.

But that day is not today.  And that's okay.

Thanks for reading.

wearing my grief, but also wearing a genuine
smile thanks to my amazing bellydancing cousins!

Diet soda and gum

DIET SODA AND GUM- Let me first say that I am in no way against either of these things.  I will not preach about the evils that artificial sweetners do to us, or about how these are not "real" things, but fake franken-food stuffs.  That is soooo not the point of this post.

What is the point, you ask?

Well.  It's just another post about my newfound status as an non-emotional eater.

Since I stopped eating for reasons other than hunger a few weeks ago, I've noticed something else that felt blog-worthy. 

I used to almost constantly be drinking a diet soda or chewing a piece of sugar free gum.  Seriously.  Almost constantly.  Some days actually constantly.

I would wake up, drink diet coke until I could get breakfast, then immediately pop a piece of gum in my mouth after my meal was gone.  After the gum went bad, I would either pop in a new piece, eat a snack, or drink another diet soda.  Seriously.  From the time that I woke up in the morning until right before bedtime, my mouth was either chewing or swallowing.

Last week I chewed only 4 pieces of gum and drank about 4 diet sodas a day.  For me, this is a huge decrease. 

This was not a consious move.  It was just an observation that I didn't have to buy my usual three pack of gum and three 12-packs of diet soda for the week.  Because I still have plenty left from the week before.

And it hit me:  I was not just an emotional eater.  I was an emotional drinker and chewer, too.  I was using diet soda and sugar free gum as tools to get me through those non-eating hours.  I wanted to constantly be eating.  But because that caused weight gain, I was contantly chewing gum or drinking diet soda between meals and snacks.

I also think that this was leftover EDNOS behavior.  Back in my severe ED days (about 8 years ago), I was all about the diet soda and sugar free gum.  Even though I "recovered" (I put that word in quotes because my food obsession didn't actually end until recently), I kept the diet soda and sugar free gum addictions as a safety net.

Why I drank diet soda before:
(1) to fill me up between meals
(2) to enjoy as a beverage between with my food
(3) to wake up!

Why I drink diet soda now:
(1) to enjoy as a beverage with my food
(2) to wake up...

Why I chewed sugar free gum before:
(1) to keep my mouth busy between meals

Why I chew sugar free gum now:
(1) when my mouth tastes bad and I suspect bad breath.

I'm not planning to give either up.  I enjoy my diet sodas and gum a lot.  And now that I'm consuming them in moderation (hey - four cans a day is low for some of us!)  I see no reason to be concerned about it.  If I naturally continue to consume less and less of each over time until they are just occassional treats or I just no longer want them, then fine.  Otherwise, they are in my life to stay.  :-)



Mom with her token Diet Coke in hand

Plus, Mom was a Diet Coke fan and I will always think of her when I drink that specific diet soda. 

What are your thoughts on diet soda and sugar free gum?  Do you consume them more than you would like; are you anti- or pro-?  Let me know!  :-)

JUNK FOOD (the chip clip people)

I will start this post by admitting (once again) that I am eating junk food every day. 

But for me, this is actually a victory.

Let me explain.

For years, ever since age 11 or so, I have had an unhealthy relationship with food.  I've considered myself addicted to some foods, and to be an emotional eater, a closet eater, an anorexic, a binge-eater, and a chronic dieter, to name a few...

I would always be amazed when I went into someone's house and saw a bag of chips with a CHIP CLIP on it, as if the idea of not eating the entire bag in one sitting was impossible for me.  I didn't know what these people who could keep junk food in the house without obsessing about it.

Some examples of my obsessive thoughts about junk food in my house:

"When will I be alone so that I can eat it?" 

"Why was I so stupid to buy this junk food?"

"WTF is wrong with me?"

"It's okay, I can eat them later..." 

"When can I eat the whole thing???" 

"Why did I eat the whole thing???"

"DON'T eat it.  Just keep it as a reminder of the fat pig that you used to be."

"Why am I torturing myself?"

"Just eat it, then start over tomorrow!"

"And never buy these again." 

"Bad girl for buying these!"

"Good girl for not eating these yet!"

"Bad girl for eating all of these!"

"Good girl for only eating a couple!"

"Bad girl for buying them in the first place.  Seriously, NEVER AGAIN."

"If they weren't here, I wouldn't have eaten them.  STUPID."

And on and on and on.

Whenever I tried Intuitive Eating, I would end up eating mostly junk food.  This was probably because I was still looking at IE as a diet, and I knew that some day it would be over, and that I wouldn't be allowed to eat chips and cookies every day anymore.  Because no one can eat those daily and  be healthy, right?!

Now that I have truly let go of emotional eating, and am allowing myself to truly eat whatever I want without restriction (besides staying within a very generous calorie range and trying to listen to my hunger signals), I am able to enjoy a moderate amount of junk food every day.

I'm finally one of the chip clip people.  I have a box of cookies in the pantry, and a couple of bags of chips.  I enjoy some every evening that I want to, and that has been most evenings these days.  They fit effortlessly into my daily calories, and I am able to stop after a serving or two EVERY TIME.

No longer do I experience true cravings for junk food.  There is no need to crave it, because I can have it today, and again tomorrow, and again the day after that, indefintely. 

That part of Intuitive Eating that I was missing, the part about unconditional permission to eat...  I'm finally there.  And I'm enjoying copious amounts of healthy meals, alongside some junk food every day (see yesterday's Tasty Tuesday).  And I'm 100% okay with this.

Forbidden fruit?  Not any more!  Goodbye, chip fantasies.

One side effect of this is that it's no longer exciting to go down the chips aisle at the grocery store, because I'm no longer thinking "this may be the last time that I will buy this, because I may decide to do a no-junk-food-challenge again soon".  Having chips always available to me has really taken away some of their allure.  Which is  HUGE victory for me.

I think that eventually, if I continue along this path, I will no longer want junk food every day.  But for now, I do.  And that's okay.  My food diary is a judgement-free zone.

"Emotional Eating" - I'm done with it.

It feels amazing to say the following words:

I'm done with

emotional eating.

Seriously, I am done with it.

I finally got sick and tired of tying food with my emotions.

So I quit cold turkey.

Actually, it wasn't as easy to quit as I'm probably making it sound.

It took YEARS.  Almost decades, really...about 18 years.  That right, a child has been born, grown up, and can now vote and get charged as an adult for crimes in the time that it took me to overcome this issue. I have been eating for emotional reasons since puberty. 

So believe me, this is no small feat.

How did I get over it?

Unfortunately, I'm not entirely sure.  That's why I hesitated to blog about it, because I know that many are looking for a cure to this problem, and I don't think that I can provide that for you.  :-(

The only tip that I can muster is to "act as if".  By that, I mean to act as if you no longer eat for emotional reasons, even if you do...  Like, when you realize that you are eating for emotional reasons, say OUT LOUD "Nope.  I don't do this shit anymore" (or something nicer, whatever works for you, but I think that cursing emotional eating is A-Okay).

I don't think that I can adequately explain to you how awesome it feels to say goodbye to something that has controlled way too big a piece of my life.

It's amazing.

I'm not eating perfectly or anything (far from it right now) but I know for a fact that none of the foods that I have consumed the last couple of weeks have been because of emotions.

That being said, I do still have some issues with overeating.

But because I no longer emotionally eat, that has gotten so much better too. 

I did really think that if I stopped my emotional eating that I could stop my overeating, too.  I hate that that hasn't happened yet.  But I'm getting closer.

The differences between emotional overeating and regular overeating?

Once I realize that I'm not hungry anymore,  I have no problem stopping.  There is no more "woe is me, I ate half the bag of chips, I'm pathetic, life sucks, may as well eat the other half plus a hole pizza and some cake" self-talk.  I simply recognize that I overate, and am able to put the fork (or whatever) down immediately. 

The only reasons that I'm still overeating sometimes is when either I waited too long to eat and am therefore extremely hungry, or something tastes REALLY good and I don't want eat slowly enough to be able to listen to my hunger signals, or when I eat while distracted. 

Again though, once I realize that I'm overeating, I can easily stop.  That is a HUGE improvement for me.

I think that one of the reasons that I'm overeating is that in my quest to stop obsessing about food, calories, and exercise, I have developed a pretty substantial junk food habit.

On one hand, I'm thrilled that I am eating my favorite snack foods almost daily, and am doing so in a non-emotional, non-ED, non-judgey, non-bingey way.  On the other hand, I know that my favorite junky snack foods are not healthy and/or filling options.  It's very easy to overeat on chips or oreos, even if I'm not eating them for emotional reasons.

Instead of focusing on removing those foods out of my diet (NOT gonna happen right now, I've worked way too hard to be able to enjoy these in a non-ED way to start making rules about what I can or cannot eat), I think that I am going to focus on ADDING healthy foods to each meal and snack.

And continue my quest towards listening to my hunger signals.

But for now, I am rejoicing in the fact that my emotions no longer control my eating.  One less thing to worry about.  :-)

I honestly think that Mom has helped with this from the Afterlife, looking down on me and giving me that extra boost to get rid of this problem after all of these years.  Thanks, Mom, for helping me out.

P.S.  Sorry for the long, picture-less post.  Posting from work!  Will add photos later.

Closet eating...

I didn't realize what a closet eater I was until this week.

For a long time now, I've been on my own in the evenings through the week.  Stacey works 3pm to midnight, M-F.  So I have had the house to myself.

That is when the bulk of my overeating and ALL of my binge-eating happened.  When I got emotional and was alone.  There was a Kroger right down the street, and all it took was twenty minutes to drive there, get a box of snack cakes, a bag of chips, and a giant tub of dip, and get home.

Then, there I would be:  alone with a bunch of junk food.  What else was there to do but eat it all in one sitting while watching TV? 

I don't know where these donuts came from!
But I guess I better eat them ALL before someone sees...

This would happen at least once a week, and the other days would also have overeating, but not necessarily a trip to the store for the specific purpose of binge-eating.

This is a classic example of closet eating. 

I am a closet eater. 

Sometimes when I'm in uncomfortable situations, or even sometimes when I'm not, I will just randomly wish that I could be home alone so that I could EAT JUNK in private.

a closet - not mine (too sparse)

This closet emotional binge eating is the main reason that I gained so much weight so quickly after Mom died and the number one reason that I haven't lost it yet.

On January 5th, I moved to Nashville for an internship.  I now have roommates, one of whom is also an intern and is becoming a good friend to me.  I am almost NEVER home alone.  I have had to say goodbye to my closet eating.

And it's been a wonderful thing for me.

Last night, when I suddenly was VERY emotional, and all I wanted to do was either binge-eat or even smoke a cigarette (I quit smoking in '09), because my roommate was going to the gym, instead I went and worked out beside her.  And I felt GREAT about myself and knocked out another half-marathon training session.

Tomorrow there will be a test for me.  She has to go to work, but I don't.  I will have the house to myself for several hours.  But I'm going to make a healthy game plan tonight, and stick with it tomorrow.  :-)

I just wanted to share this experience with you guys, because it seemed like an important realization: I'm a closet eater. 

Now that I know, I can start to plan my alone time better.  Apparently being alone in the evenings is a HUGE trigger for my binge eating. 

I hope that all of you are having great days!  I will come back later and add some pretty pictures to this; right now I'm on a computer at work...