Friday, December 2, 2011

Recovering from EDNOS

Time for another reflective and honest post about my history with disordered eating.

Only, I'm going to be talking in the present tense a bit...

...because lately I've been thinking that despite being "recovered" from anorexia/EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) for years, I still have a bit of it inside me.

And it is that I'm pretty much obsessed with tracking my food.  Or with following a food plan.  Or both.

When I tried to break myself from this obsession with Intuitive Eating, I failed because I was still being obsessive.  I was trying to follow Intuitive Eating to a T.  I was on the non-plan plan (isn't that a quote from a movie?).

Anyway, my point here is that I am still (slightly) suffering from EDNOS.  It's not life-threatening like it was seven years ago, because I don't under-eat and I don't over-exercise.. 

But my mind is still overly cluttered with thoughts of food and exercise. 

I am proud that I've been able to make diet and exercise less of a priority for me lately, but it's not enough.

I think that for me to truly recover from my EDNOS once and for all, I need to stop tracking my food and exercise completely.

Not by following the Intuitive Eating book, but simply by just learning more.

This blog may change a bit as I try to release myself from these obsessive thoughts and the preoccupation with numbers (weight, size, calories/PointsPlus, calories burned, etc.).

I hope that you still enjoy my blog when it's no longer about how much I've eaten, how much I've exercised, or how much weight and inches I've lost or gained.

There will still be entries with vegan recipes, and also entries that will touch on the following themes (which are all goals of mine):

1. Learning to love the body that I have.
2. Not dieting. (no tracking my food or avoiding any foods because they are "bad")
3. Eat when hungry, don't eat when not hungry.
4. Exercise when I want to, and do fun exercises for the sake of feeling good, not for the sake of burning calories.
5. Get stronger, faster, and healthier.

But I am also going to be posting on topics of mental health and well being.  How I'm doing, if (when) I slip up, and of course there is the very real possibility that I will change my mind and go back to Weight Watchers, My Fitness Pal, or any other number of tracking sites. 
This is the beginning of a new journey, one that will focus on my letting go of the diet industry and the pressure to be thin, and learning to love myself and my body. 
If I lose more weight, I'm fine with that.  If I don't, I'm... learning to be fine with that.  If I GAIN... ?  Still hoping that doesn't happen, but as long as I'm healthy and happy, that's what the focus will be from here on out.
Thanks for reading.  :-)  I love you guys.


Ruth K said...

Well done for where you've got to do. I completely admire you and just hope in 7 years I can be where you are :)

Stacey said...

Good luck Leah!

Have you read Andie's exercise history at I think you might find it interesting.

Jill said...

I love your blog. I love that you are searching for what is best for you. I am always curious how you are doing and what is working and what is not. I will continue to read your blog as you inspire me to persevere! That is what you are doing. As long as we keep trying and striving to be happy in our lives.. well, I define that as successful!!!

Mariebop said...

Thankfully, I don't read your blog because it's weight loss related. You have some great insights about being healthy.

You know what you need to do. Can't wait to see how the next chapter in your journey works out. I hope it works for you!

Cyn said...

i am with marie -- diet & exercise is just a common fact between us -- i read your blog because you are AWESOME!

i can soooooo relate to the eating disorder & obsessive behavior -- i worry that i am doing the same thing -- but my mindset this time around is completely different. i still feel like the process is ruling my life -- but i am hoping to make it second nature too!

you are amazing & can do anything you set your mind to -- you have provent that over & over!

misadventures of a chunky goddess

Megan said...

Leah - good job for realizing it! That's definitely a step in the right direction! I know you can do this and I will be reading (and motivating, hopefully!) every step of the way!