165

I'm not feeling sexy anymore.  :-(

I was feeling pretty sexy for awhile there.  From probably mid-2010 until just recently, I felt like even at my worst moments ("fat days", bloated PMS days, pimple-city days) I felt as if my body was at least so much better than it used to be.  I felt accomplished with my weight loss, and felt tiny and firm.

Lately, as the scale has started to go back in the other direction again (UP!!!) and my eating has gotten a bit out of control again (Hello, nightly binges for a week!!!),  my feelings about my body have become super negative.

I just need to remember that every day is a new beginning.  Every moment is a new beginning, really. 

I currently weigh 165 pounds and am 5'6'' tall.  This means that I'm 11 pounds overweight by BMI standards.  That's really not that fat.  By some standards, it's not fat at all. 

So why did 165 feel so freakin' tiny and sexy in 2010, when I first reached that weight?  Probably because it was on my way DOWN the scale. 

There is a big difference between 165 coming down and 165 going up. 

165 coming down meant that I was over halfway done with my weight loss.  It meant that I had lost 55 pounds.  It meant that I was finally back in my old size 16 jeans again!  It meant that the "135" was only 30 pounds away, and that I was only 11 pounds overweight.

165 going up means that I am getting awfully close to the 170's again.  It means that my 14s are all way too tight, and I suddenly wish that I had kept a few size 16's instead of donating them all.  It means that I've gained 20 pounds.  It means that now I have to re-lose 20 pounds and then lose 10 more to get to my goal of 135.  It means that I'm freakin' overweight...again.

So you can see the differences.

But, you CAN'T see the difference, really.

October 2010 - 168
Feeling skinny

May 2012 - 165
Feeling fat

Anyway, I think that I just need to change my mindset.  I need to reach back into my mind and remember how great October 2010 Leah felt at 165.  I need to stop with the overeating every night IMMEDIATELY (before it becomes a real pattern again).  I need to work on my emotional eating problem. 

I need to get into the "weight loss" mindset and out of the "weight gain" one.  As soon as I realize that I'm back on my way down, 165 will feel sexy.  Until then, I'm struggling with liking my body.  It feels fat. 

I'm working on it.

If you run, you are a runner.

"If you run, you are a runner. It doesn't matter how fast or how far. It doesn't matter if today is your first day or if you've been running for twenty years. There is no test to pass, no license to earn, no membership card to get. You just run."

~John Bingham

What I need to work on...

As you may be able to see in the NY trip pictures, I'm not exactly thin anymore.  Though I'm still about 20 lighter than I was when I started Eat to Live a couple of months ago, I'm nowhere near the size that I'd like to eventually be.

May 2011, 144 pounds

May 2012, 165 pounds

I'm just a bit more round in the middle than I'm comfortable with.

But I don't really mind all that much.  Worrying about my body size is not at the top of my priority list anymore.  I'm actually somewhat successful in a goal that I made recently to focus on OTHER areas of my life more.  There are many things that are just way more important to me than dieting.

And for a recovered(ing?) anorexic/EDNOS-er, this is a huge accomplishment.

I recently realized something about my successful weight loss in 2010 and the first few months of 2011. 
From January 2010 through May 2011, I was on the Weight Watcher website 8  hours a day (at least).  It was always on while I was at work, and I was often on the boards, constantly updating my tracker, blogging about WW, etc...  In other words, in order for me to be successfully losing weight at a decent rate (about a pound a week), my life has to revolve around my diet program. 

When I'm focusing on other areas of my life and putting my diet on the backburner (thinking about it often but not always, following "rules" only sometimes, tracking only sometimes) I balloon back up to my body's preferred size, which is about 165 pounds and about a size 16.  This was my high school weight, and the weight that my body naturally gravitates towards.  This is the size that I can comfortably maintain without much effort. 

I can eat all of my favorite foods, eat while watching TV, and eat out sometimes and maintain this weight.  This is also because I still exercise almost every day.  I love my cardio workouts!

However, when I stop tracking altogether, keep chips in the house, and let myself eat out and order pizza whenever, even when my exercise routine stays the same, that's when I gain weight.  That's how I got back up to 183 recently.  I stopped caring about my diet at all.  If I had continued on that route, I would have gotten back up to my 220 start weight within a couple of months.

But here's the rub:  I still really want to get back down to 145-ish.  I love the way that I look and feel at that size! 

But I don't want to obsess about it, and definately don't want to think about it 24/7 or to be on a dieting website 8 hours a day.  I don't want to constantly be worrying about what I ate, or what I will eat, and how I will stay in that calorie range.


I also don't want to gain weight, so I cannot just stop tracking and order pizza every other day.
I really think that I will be able to finally lose the rest of this weight and maintain that loss comfortably if I address one thing: 

EMOTIONAL EATING.

Many times I eat for reasons other than hunger.  I know this, because I often will eat a big meal, then eat a big snack less than two hours later.  No way am I phsyically hungry, yet I convince myself that I am.  So I eat.  And I sometimes track it.  Some days I don't, but most days I track everything.
Anyway, my next big mission in the dieting scheme of things is to conquer my emotional eating.

I am going to start another 21 Day No Junk Food Challenge, too. 

Starting tomorrow, I am going to start conquering this emotional hunger problem.  I will continue to track every bite on My Fitness Pal, and will be giving up junk food for 21 days.

But most importantly, I will be keeping a hunger journal.  I will write down my food, and also write down the emotions that I feel before and after eating.  Hopefully I will be able to see any trends between my emotions and my eating and will be able to start the healing process.

Also, I'm about to order this book:

The Emotional Diet: How to Love Your Life More and Food Less, by Bill Cashell

I will let you know how it is!  If I love it and it helps me (as I suspect it will) I will be doing another book giveaway.  :-)

Do you struggle with emotional eating? 

How do you handle your non-hunger food cravings?

Life Update #1 (vacation!!!)...

Hello, all!  It's been too long (once again) but I have one more free day until life starts to get crazy again, so I thought I would take this opportunity to post.

This is going to be a rambly, "dear diary"- type post, which may or may not end up being fantastic or meaningful.  This is an update on all areas of my life, not just how big or small my ass is getting (but that will be addressed as well).

As many of you know, I just returned from an amazing and long overdue vacation to New York City!  My boyfriend Stacey and I visited my brother Joel and his boyfriend Kevin, who live in Astoria.  I had never spent any quality time with Kevin, so this was a wonderful experience!  My brother and I are extremely close (we refer to ourselves as "gorgeous twins" even though we are in fact 2.5 years apart) so it's really important to us that our boyfriends get along with each other and that we like each other's partners.  And I can officially say with all of my heart that I love Kevin!  He is so much fun, and makes Joel very happy.  And that's all I want for my bro, happiness. 

(And success.  To check out how amazingly talented my brother is, visit his website. )

Anyway, because it was just us four, there are no pictures of the four of us because someone always had to hold the camera.  But here are a couple of pictures:

me, Joel, Kevin and some muppets as FAO Schwarz

Stacey, me and Joel in a taxi

I had so much fun in NYC.  It was a wonderful experience full of good times, good food, and plenty of fun activities.

We saw Newsies on broadway (I give it 3 out of 5 stars because of my super high expectations); Stacey and I walked the Brooklyn Bridge; we all ate at Candle 79; There was a celebrity spotting (Ben Stiller!!!); I got to eat tons of delicious (and locally owned) vegan options; we rode bikes in Central Park; Stacey and I visited Atlantic City.... and so much more!  I love NY, and I love my brother.  I can't wait to go back!

Here are a couple of more vacation photos:

Stacey and me enjoy Astoria

I visited my top choice for law school!

Joel and I enjoy vegan cinnamon rolls at Babycakes!

my paparazzi shot of Ben Stiller (Should I drop out of school to pursue this?  I think it's pretty good!)

playing Heart and Soul on the BIG piano!

Okay, I guess that's enough for now!  So much fun was had.  This part was so long that I have now decided to do the rest of my life update in another post.  I hope that you enjoy my NYC pictures!

I will post again later about other life updates, including school, work, and my weight.

New hair color plus some recipes!

Before hair (mousy light brown/dark dirty blonde, with Florence Henderson mullet)

After hair (sexy blonde bombshell vixen sans mullet)

As you can tell, I'm thrilled with my new hair!  I'm blonde!!!  And not just kind of blonde, definately blonde.  I'm excited to be playing with my hair color again, it's been natural for years.

This was my reward to myself for being halfway to graduation.  :-)  One more semester is DONE.

my other reward to myself...

Just to make this a productive blog entry, here are a couple of new recipes!  Both healthy versions of comfort food classics.  Doesn't get more comfort-food than pizza and french fries!

Pita pizza with Daiya Cheese!

ingredients:
1 whole wheat pita
1/4 cup Daiya mozerella cheese
chopped up squash, pepper, and onion
1 tablespoon tomato paste

directions:
Spread toppings on, put in oven at 400 for about 8 minutes. Perfection.

about 190 calories for entire little pizza.  It's a great meal!

Homemade French Fries

1) Preheat oven to 450.
2) Slice a (washed) potato into thin strips.
3) Spray baking sheet with Pam (or some comparable)
4) Spread potato slices onto baking sheet
5) Spray them with Pam, add some seasoned salt
6) Put in oven for 8 minutes
7) Take out, flip, spray and salt on other side
8) Put in oven for 4-5 more minutes.
9) Take out and ENJOY!