Friday, May 25, 2012


I'm not feeling sexy anymore.  :-(

I was feeling pretty sexy for awhile there.  From probably mid-2010 until just recently, I felt like even at my worst moments ("fat days", bloated PMS days, pimple-city days) I felt as if my body was at least so much better than it used to be.  I felt accomplished with my weight loss, and felt tiny and firm.

Lately, as the scale has started to go back in the other direction again (UP!!!) and my eating has gotten a bit out of control again (Hello, nightly binges for a week!!!),  my feelings about my body have become super negative.

I just need to remember that every day is a new beginning.  Every moment is a new beginning, really. 

I currently weigh 165 pounds and am 5'6'' tall.  This means that I'm 11 pounds overweight by BMI standards.  That's really not that fat.  By some standards, it's not fat at all. 

So why did 165 feel so freakin' tiny and sexy in 2010, when I first reached that weight?  Probably because it was on my way DOWN the scale. 

There is a big difference between 165 coming down and 165 going up. 

165 coming down meant that I was over halfway done with my weight loss.  It meant that I had lost 55 pounds.  It meant that I was finally back in my old size 16 jeans again!  It meant that the "135" was only 30 pounds away, and that I was only 11 pounds overweight.

165 going up means that I am getting awfully close to the 170's again.  It means that my 14s are all way too tight, and I suddenly wish that I had kept a few size 16's instead of donating them all.  It means that I've gained 20 pounds.  It means that now I have to re-lose 20 pounds and then lose 10 more to get to my goal of 135.  It means that I'm freakin' overweight...again.

So you can see the differences.

But, you CAN'T see the difference, really.

October 2010 - 168
Feeling skinny
May 2012 - 165
Feeling fat

Anyway, I think that I just need to change my mindset.  I need to reach back into my mind and remember how great October 2010 Leah felt at 165.  I need to stop with the overeating every night IMMEDIATELY (before it becomes a real pattern again).  I need to work on my emotional eating problem. 

I need to get into the "weight loss" mindset and out of the "weight gain" one.  As soon as I realize that I'm back on my way down, 165 will feel sexy.  Until then, I'm struggling with liking my body.  It feels fat. 

I'm working on it.


Betsy said...

i think you look great! i'm in the same boat with the scale moving UP and not down and feeling many of your same feelings! keep pushing through and i think that you will pass through this lull! i love reading your blog!

Jennifer said...

so great to think about that perspective. :) Thank you for sharing. You have been such an inspiration to me as I seek to be a happier and healthier me :)

bookyeti said...

It's not really in the number or in the photos... it's on the *inside* where things have to change first. You're right - it's a mindset. I know you can do it! :)

But also keep in mind you're going through a lot of stress right now with your dear Mom's health; my routine went out the window when my mom started to fail and pass away (from cancer).

What about just focusing on your health and the 'inner you', and ignoring what the scale says for a while? It's not telling you anything you really need to know right now.