This was a week that I have been dreading for awhile.
Sunday was Mothers Day. Tuesday would have been Mom's 53rd birthday.
|at her 50th birthday party!|
Mothers Day and Mom's birthday being so close together was so much fun when she was alive. It was fun to spoil her so much at once, and she was so easy to please. Just give her a little of attention and she would eat it up with a spoon. Mom was such a sweet lady, and didn't do enough for herself. She never expected anyone to do anything for her, either. She seemed to live for others.
I tried several times to get her to do more things just for her. And sometimes she would listen. We had lots of fun together, but the last year or so we mostly sat around watching TV together. That was our bonding time. We watched The Young and the Restless, Buffy, Charmed, Pretty Little Liars, The Gilmore Girls, and more. I think that this is why I've become more of a TV addict the last year, because it makes me feel close to her.
She desperately wanted to feel pretty again. She hated what her medications did to her appearance (they caused some weight gain and also a general puffiness to her face and neck). I thought (and told her) that nothing could make her NOT beautiful. She was a beautiful person, inside AND out.
Anyway... it's been almost a year since I've had a conversation with my mother. It was May 23rd when she had surgery. It was June 18th when her body died. The last conversation that I had with her was on the phone as she was wheeled away for her second surgery in the middle of the night on May 24/25th. I last spoke to her with her being conscious but unable to talk a couple of days later...
All of those dates are coming up. I'm not past all of these terrible anniversaries yet. June 18th will be the last first anniversary for this stuff. So please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers for awhile, because if the rest of my family is struggling as much as I am with this one year mark, then there are a lot of people in a severe amount of pain.
I'm not ready for the one year mark. I'm just not. But I wasn't ready for Mothers Day or her birthday, either... and here I am on the other side of those. Still going.
I am very depressed. I am extremely emotional most of the time. I think that my "fake it till you make it" face has broken down, because I am unable to just hang out and seem happy right now. I feel like I'm oozing with sadness.
I've had 4 days of emotional eating and only exercised once this week. I'm scared (on top of everything else) that I'm about to regain the 20 pounds that I lost this year.
I'm not going to let that fear drag me into another diet, though. Nope. Instead, I'm going to focus on Mom. I'm going to treat myself the way that Mom would treat me if she were here, witnessing my pain.
|me, Mom, and Joel|
She would tell me to baby myself, to take care of myself, and to love myself. She would remind me of all of my accomplishments, and about how proud she is of me. She would remind me that I want to be an intuitive eater, and that it's okay to have had one bad week. She would tell me to focus on the good things. She would give me a big hug and remind me that I am loved.
I am loved.
If you are feeling overwhelmed with life, even if you really don't think you would ever hurt yourself, please call the crisis hotline for help: 1-800-784-2433. I called them last night and they helped me very much. It's okay to ask for help.