Saturday, May 18, 2013


I have survived this week.  

This was a week that I have been dreading for awhile.

Sunday was Mothers Day.  Tuesday would have been Mom's 53rd birthday.

at her 50th birthday party!

Mothers Day and Mom's birthday being so close together was so much fun when she was alive.  It was fun to spoil her so much at once, and she was so easy to please.  Just give her a little of attention and she would eat it up with a spoon.  Mom was such a sweet lady, and didn't do enough for herself.  She never expected anyone to do anything for her, either.  She seemed to live for others.

I tried several times to get her to do more things just for her.  And sometimes she would listen.  We had lots of fun together, but the last year or so we mostly sat around watching TV together.  That was our bonding time.  We watched The Young and the Restless, Buffy, Charmed, Pretty Little Liars, The Gilmore Girls, and more.  I think that this is why I've become more of a TV addict the last year, because it makes me feel close to her.

She desperately wanted to feel pretty again.  She hated what her medications did to her appearance (they caused some weight gain and also a general puffiness to her face and neck).  I thought (and told her) that nothing could make her NOT beautiful.  She was a beautiful person, inside AND out.  

Anyway... it's been almost a year since I've had a conversation with my mother.  It was May 23rd when she had surgery.  It was June 18th when her body died.  The last conversation that I had with her was on the phone as she was wheeled away for her second surgery in the middle of the night on May 24/25th.  I last spoke to her with her being conscious but unable to talk a couple of days later...  

All of those dates are coming up.  I'm not past all of these terrible anniversaries yet.  June 18th will be the last first anniversary for this stuff.  So please keep me and my family in  your thoughts and prayers for awhile, because if the rest of my family is struggling as much as I am with this one year mark, then there are a lot of people in a severe amount of pain.

I'm not ready for the one year mark.  I'm just not.  But I wasn't ready for Mothers Day or her birthday, either... and here I am on the other side of those.  Still going.

I am very depressed.  I am extremely emotional most of the time.  I think that my "fake it till you make it" face has broken down, because I am unable to just hang out and seem happy right now.  I feel like I'm oozing with sadness.

I've had 4 days of emotional eating and only exercised once this week.  I'm scared (on top of everything else) that I'm about to regain the 20 pounds that I lost this year.  

I'm not going to let that fear drag me into another diet, though.  Nope.  Instead, I'm going to focus on Mom.  I'm going to treat myself the way that Mom would treat me if she were here, witnessing my pain.  

me, Mom, and Joel

She would tell me to baby myself, to take care of myself, and to love myself.  She would remind me of all of my accomplishments, and about how proud she is of me.  She would remind me that I want to be an intuitive eater, and that it's  okay to have had one bad week.  She would tell me to focus  on the good things.  She would give me a big hug and remind me that I am loved.

I am loved.  

If you are feeling overwhelmed with life, even if you really don't think you would ever hurt yourself, please call the crisis hotline for  help: 1-800-784-2433.  I called them last night and they helped me very much.  It's okay to ask for help.


Anonymous said...

Leah, I was in your shoes last year and I can honestly say my heart hurts for you reading your blog today. This time is also my worst time as my mums birthday would have been 25th May. I wish I could say it gets better after the first year of aniversarys but if Im honest my second year has just been as bad. What I would say though is that It has taken me until recently (18mths) to feel like I am returning to some normality in myself and I can now see life getting better. Take your time, be kind to yourself and most of all just accept that these are the times when you need to slow down, cry and heal and you will get there too. take care

Mariebop said...

Though I haven't lost my mom, my family has gone through is share of death in recent years. 8 relatives in less than 9 years, which included 3 out of my four grandparents and a much too young cousin. I actually don't cry that much at funerals anymore.

Honestly, I feel that the first year is the worst especially when the person that's passed was at all of the special occasions and holidays. Just know that it will get better. Each year, it will hurt less and less. Let those emotions out. I do some of my best crying in the shower and I feel so much better after a good cry. My favorite poem that really helped me with my grandmother's death was "Along The Road" by Robert Browning Hamilton. I turn to it often when life gets hard.

Jessica said...

I'm so glad you blogged about this. To be honest, I knew it was coming and I was waiting for it. I don't know if that's inappropriate or mean to say, but it's definitely not intended that way. I only mean that I've been through some severe periods of depression (not necessarily loss-related, though) and writing has always helped me. Knowing how much you love your mom and that you blog, I knew it was on its way <3 I wish there was a magic pill to take away the hurt. I hate when my friends are in pain and I can't do anything to make it go away. All I can say is what the other comments have said already: it WILL get better, let yourself cry, and take care of yourself. I'm totally here for you if you need me!

Mary Kate said...

Hi Leah, my dad died in 2011. It was my first and only experience of losing a loved one and I have to say nothing prepared me for the grief I felt for the following year. It scared me. I had no idea that this was very normal. I thought that I was slowly and surely losing it.
All I have to say is that it did improve. The pain lessens. Now I can think of him without crying. I regularly ask him to keep an eye on my kids for me.
Remember it's ok to cry. Keep talking and blogging.