I know that I'm trying to not feel any guilt about food or exercise (or lack thereof). So I'm not really feeling guilty about my days that begin with toaster pastries and end with ice cream.
But... when am I going to start craving healthy stuff? I am in that beginning phase of intuitive eating where I'm eating whatever I want without worrying about nutrition, so long as it's only when I'm hungry... but... but... my desires for junk food are not getting any smaller. (And I know all about the addicting chemicals within my processed garbage frankenfoods; that is not what this post is about.)
I'm wondering if I am truly giving myself permission to eat. Perhaps I'm scared that some day soon I will go back on another diet and have to stop eating chips for lunch and pizza for dinner forever. That's how diets work: they suck me in, I truly believe that I will eat that way FOREVER, and I mourn the loss of eating my favorites of pizza and chips.
|Then again, why choose?|
So perhaps the reason that I am not craving healthy food at all these days is that I'm scared that some day soon, I will ONLY be allowed to eat healthy food FOREVER. Like when I did the New Sonoma Diet. Or maybe I'm scared that one day I will only be allowed to eat so many calories or fat grams or carbs every day, and that when I look at my food diary I will realize that chips and pizza aren't worth the calories/Points, like with My Fitness Pal or Weight Watchers...
Anyway... I am just that by writing out what's going on with my eating, I will be able to identify and fix the problem. I'm pretty sure that I have hit the nail on the head. The problem is:
I'm not giving myself permission to eat.
I'm not entirely convinced that I will never diet again.
I don't know how to fix this problem. It's definitely not a quick fix. If it were, then I would have done it already. I suppose that I will continue on my path, and will hope that eventually I will trust myself around food, and truly give myself permission to eat, knowing that there is not another diet around the corner.
|another bathroom selfie!|
Meanwhile, I'm still working on total body acceptance. Today I feel pretty cute. And I know that I don't look thin. I know that I look like a cute plus size woman. And for the first time in awhile, I'm okay with that. So that's a start there.