And I recognize the fact that these three things don't always mesh. Really, when one is struggling to recover from an eating disorder, the last thing that one needs to be focusing on is weight loss.
But I am not a newbie to recovery. This is not my first rodeo. And every time that I have recovered from my disordered eating in the past, I have not fully recovered from the addiction. I have been recovering from this since I was 19, and now I'm almost 29.
And yet I still don't have a grip on my addiction. My relationship with food and my relationship with my body are two parts of my life that I still struggle with daily. I am working on this constantly.
I'm working on becoming a "normal" eater, whatever that is. I have had many ideas of what that meant in the past. Right now, I just want to focus on getting rid of my disordered eating thoughts.
Every time I eat or drink something right now, I ask myself "Is this something that I would eat or drink if I never had an eating disorder?" And likewise, before every workout, I ask "Is this how I would exercise is I never had an eating disorder?"
And because I will never truly know the answers to those questions, I just guess.
Here are some new recovery goals of mine:
1) Eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day. Make these meals substantial. Make them exactly what I want to eat at that moment. Actually MAKE them sometimes. No judgments about the quality or quantity of these foods, just be sure to eat them and enjoy them.
2) Before every food, drink, or exercise decision, ask myself if I am making the decision that a non-ED person would make. If the answer is "yes", go for it. If the answer is "no" think about it further. If I'm not sure, the answer is probably "no".
3) Challenge myself to take risks. Eat foods that scare me sometimes. Drink a real Coke or a real pumpkin spice latte every once in awhile. No judgment. Just enjoy it.
4) Get off the treadmill if I start focusing on the calories instead of the distance. It is so much more satisfying to accomplish distance goals than it is to burn calories! The half marathon is coming up fast...
5) Track only when or if I feel like it. It is not a requirement.
So as you can see, I'm still focusing on my EDNOS recovery. I'm sick of being in this rut, with thoughts about food, exercise, and body hate taking up so much space in my brain. My brain space needs to focus on more important things, like school...
How am I going to lose the weight while recovering? I fully believe that I can lose weight by just being more aware and enjoying my foods fully. I believe that if I eat what I really want at meals, I will snack less. I also believe that focusing on non-weight loss goals in the gym will help me to lose weight as a side effect. And I believe that it's okay to lose the weight slowly this time around.
Meanwhile, I'm still loving my body. I love it for what it can do. I love it for the way it looks (yes, even though I want to lose weight, it is not all about appearance!). I love my body for how it feels. I love it for everything it has brought me. Mostly, I love it because my mother gave it to me.
|Thanks for my pear-ness, Mom. :-)|