A lot of it is what I call "grief weight", because I gained 40 pounds in about 2 months immediately following the sudden death, with a combination of overeating and sitting around crying... and trying to connect with Mom somehow by eating all of her favorite junk foods.
But the rest of it? I have basically been yo-yo dieting this entire time. Going from one idea to another, trying to get this weight off. Even since I've committed to leaving dieting behind, I have still been obsessed with losing this weight, or trying to at least not get any bigger.
I have dieted for the last time. Mom wouldn't want me to diet anymore. She also wouldn't want me to obsess over my size, my eating, or my exercise. And neither do I.
It's time to leave dieting behind FOR REAL and to give myself a chance to live life without the obsession.
That being said, I'm not comfortable at this size. I would rather be the size that I was before Mom died, which would mean that I need to lose 59 pounds or so. But this cannot be a focus in my life right now. There are more important things.
I'm pretty sure that I'm going to give intuitive eating another go, but this time without the obsession. No more focusing on it to the point where it becomes the non-diet Diet. No more focusing on it at all, actually. It's time to focus on the things that really matter.
|and my new blonder hair!!!|