2013 Recap/Review...

What is there to say about my 2013?  I'm sure that many good things happened.  I'm sure that many bad things happened, too.  I'm mostly numb with depression at the moment, so it's tough to write about my life.  But I will try...  I will share some positive things and accomplishments that happened in 2013.

1) I had that internship.  From January through May, I lived in Nashville, working at the capital with state legislators.  It was a great experience in some ways.  One way is that I learned that I never want another roommate that is not Stacey, ever again.  My roommates were a special kind of Hell on Earth for me.  And my immediate superior at my internship was pretty evil, too.

However, the people who actually count loved me, including some good contacts for my future, such as a couple of House representatives and the House counsel, one of whom told me that I will always have a job there if I want it.  I don't want it, but I'm grateful for the offer!  And I'm thankful for this experience that will look amazing on my resume when I start sending it out in a couple of months.

2) I trained for and completed a half marathon.  Yep.  This happened.  All in 2013.  It seems surreal to think about it now, in retrospect.  I'm not sure at the moment where my future in running will lie, but I'm happy to have accomplished this  goal.

3) I stayed in school.  After my internship, which counted as school credit, I took two Spanish courses over summer "break" and then busted my hump to do well this fall semester.  I improved my GPA a bit from the crappy semester of fall 2012 (going back to school right after Mom died was simultaneously a big mistake and the greatest accomplishment of my life so far).  My GPA is still nowhere near as awesome as it was before Mom's death, but then again life has changed so much that it's hard to care too much about that.  And now I am five months away from graduating!

My plans for post-graduation have changed so much this year.  I will blog about that soon...

4) I studied my ass off and took the LSAT.  I did terribly.  But I tried my best, and I freaking did it.

5) I became a hospice volunteer.  It has really helped me to rediscover the giving part of myself that has been pretty foggy since Mom's death.

6) I went to my 10  year high school reunion. Holy crap, that was fun!  But I will never EVER drive from Memphis to Omaha again.

7) I turned 29 years old.  Though I didn't want to celebrate my birthday, Stacey got me a delicious cake.  And I ate it!

8) My weight problems took a back seat.  I lost weight, then gained weight, then decided to focus on EDNOS recovery rather than weight loss, and renamed my blog and Facebook page, then gained more weight, then finally decided that I want to lose weight again.

I'm ready to get rid of the grief weight and get back to where I'm comfortable, which is around 165 (technically 11 pounds overweight) and a size 14 to 16.  Right now I've gotten heavier than ever (I was 23 pounds heavier than my original start weight - I've lost 5 pounds in the last week by just watching what I eat a bit).

Here's my new "before" pictures:

I'm not beating myself up over this weight gain.  I'm 75 pounds heavier than I was before Mom died.
It's emotional weight.  I'm not mad at myself.  I'm compassionate with myself.  I love myself.  I love my body, even at this size.  I'm not going to use self-hate or body-hate as motivators to lose it, because I don't have those things anymore.

Instead I'm going to use my desire to be healthy, and use my love for myself to motivate me to get comfortable with my body again.  I'm not comfortable this big.  It has gotten in the way of a few aspects of my life, and I'm ready to be done with that.

I'm still focused on anti-dieting and EDNOS recovery, so this may be a slower process than the times that I strictly dieted, and I'm okay with that.  I'll post more about my weight loss plans (how I'm planning to lose it and keep it off) soon.  For now, just know that I'm not doing anything crazy.  Just focusing on eating healthier.

Anyway, 2013 was my first full motherless year.  It will forever be remembered that way for me.  I've been extremely depressed for the bulk of the year, and almost all of the year has been filled with self doubt, stress, fear, and sadness.

I'm very proud of myself for the things that I managed to accomplish during this trying time.  I am not giving up on myself.  I'm keeping on.  2013 was not the best year ever, but it could have been much worse.

2014 is going to be crazy!  Stay tuned for that post soon...