Friday, January 24, 2014

Out. Of. Control.

I feel like I have gotten out of control with my eating lately.  Binge eating junk food regularly and constant promises to start over tomorrow.

Start over?  Hmmm.

Why does that blank slate still seem so appealing, even after all of these years of failed diets and disordered eating?

I think that my eating disorder has returned with a vengeance.  I'm trying to focus on other aspects of my life, more important things, like my education, and my dogs, and my relationship with Stacey, and my future as a [insert political science degree career here].  However, at the end of the day, I am a binge eater.  That's the current form that my disordered eating has taken.

Why do I binge?  To soothe myself.  To distract myself.  To take the focus away from the real problems in my life.

If I'm focused on how fat I've "allowed myself" to become again, my motherless future seems so far away.  If I'm worried about the number on the scale, I am not worried about the number of days until my dad gets married.  If I'm scolding myself for eating a box of snack cakes, I'm not scolding myself for not doing something on my to-do list.  And if I'm busy being physically uncomfortable, I'm not busy being emotionally uncomfortable.

So I know the reasons.  I just don't know how to stop it.  I can consult my anti-binge list.  But will I?  Why is it so hard to stop the bingeing?  

It sucks.  It really sucks.

I want to quit.  I want to lose this weight, instead of gaining more.  I don't want to diet, but I don't want to binge, either.  I want the cycle to end.  I need emotional healing.

How do I get that?

For now, I will post this rant of a blog post.  That totally counts as a step in solving the problem, right?  Admitting that I have one.  Well, I have one.


Anna said...

I do the same exact thing...did it today in fact. I don't have the answer, but I do know that bingeing makes me feel worse, physically and mentally. I ordered the Beck Diet Solution audio CD today...the last time I was successful losing weight, I was reading her book. Take Care and know you are not alone.

Mariebop said...

My sister's friend is a hypnotherapist. She actually used her own weight loss hypnotherapy program to help herself lose weight.

I know I always feel the most in control of everything in my life when I'm regularly journaling. Blogging is good, but there are more complex things going on in your head than you would share on the internet. Lock yourself in a room somewhere with a notebook, a decent pen, a mug of tea and write about whatever is weighing you down. I have many tear spattered pages in my journals, but I always feel better after I really let go and come to terms with my emotions no matter how scary or uncomfortable that might be.

I hope you find something that'll bring you some emotional peace.

Mariebop said...
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MissDeeCanada said...

Don't give up. I know exactly what you are going through (well the weight gain part). We can do this. We need to admit to ourselves and convince ourselves that its for our health and happiness! Lets make a pact! Letm e know if you re in :)

lauren gosling said...

Just remember this is a journey, and you're not alone. So many people struggle with ED, no matter what one it is. Here if you need to chat x

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