I feel like I have gotten out of control with my eating lately. Binge eating junk food regularly and constant promises to start over tomorrow.
Start over? Hmmm.
Why does that blank slate still seem so appealing, even after all of these years of failed diets and disordered eating?
I think that my eating disorder has returned with a vengeance. I'm trying to focus on other aspects of my life, more important things, like my education, and my dogs, and my relationship with Stacey, and my future as a [insert political science degree career here]. However, at the end of the day, I am a binge eater. That's the current form that my disordered eating has taken.
Why do I binge? To soothe myself. To distract myself. To take the focus away from the real problems in my life.
If I'm focused on how fat I've "allowed myself" to become again, my motherless future seems so far away. If I'm worried about the number on the scale, I am not worried about the number of days until my dad gets married. If I'm scolding myself for eating a box of snack cakes, I'm not scolding myself for not doing something on my to-do list. And if I'm busy being physically uncomfortable, I'm not busy being emotionally uncomfortable.
So I know the reasons. I just don't know how to stop it. I can consult my anti-binge list. But will I? Why is it so hard to stop the bingeing?
It sucks. It really sucks.
I want to quit. I want to lose this weight, instead of gaining more. I don't want to diet, but I don't want to binge, either. I want the cycle to end. I need emotional healing.
How do I get that?
For now, I will post this rant of a blog post. That totally counts as a step in solving the problem, right? Admitting that I have one. Well, I have one.