I'm not talking about the struggle to
lose weight. In the grand scheme of things, that is relatively easy for
me to do (I know that makes me a lucky bitch to those of you who have
issues in that area... but hey, if it makes you feel better, I just turned 30,
so that ability may disappear soon, who knows?).
Also, keep in mind that though
I've always managed to "easily" lose weight, I have NEVER kept it
off, so in the long run, that's not actually weight lost.
Losing weight comes pretty easily to
me. If I wanted to, like really wanted to, and focused on weight loss as
a central part of my life, I could lose a pound or two a week.
But here's the rub:
I don't want
to make it a central part of my life.
I really don't.
But, at the same time, I don't want to
be unhealthy.
I would like to stop
eating so much convenience foods, and to begin cooking more. I'd also
like to start a regular exercise routine, now that I have the doctor's
permission to stationary bike, elliptical, and walk short distances.
But, I wouldn't like to
TRACK ALL THE FOOD!
Or to
BURN ALL THE CALORIES!
Or to
THINK ABOUT FOOD AND EXERCISE AND
WEIGHT LOSS AND MY BODY ALL THE FRICKIN' TIME!
So the struggle that I am talking about
is the struggle between my desire to lose weight, and my desire to enjoy life
and accept my body as it is currently, thin privilege and (self-)fat shaming be
damned.
I deal with the internal struggle
daily. I do find myself and my current body to be attractive. So
does my future husband. And I make enough money now that I will soon be
able to afford stylish fat people clothing.
But my damn desire to experience thin
privileges. To be able to know that I will always fit in
seats. To be able to shop at Express or Gap. To be able to eat
junk food in public without being judged. To be able to know that when
I'm "feeling fat", I'm not actually fat. To see "my
people" represented as the attractive main character instead of the
joke-cracking best friend.
Ultimately, my desire to not have to count
or burn calories, and my desire to be a well-rounded adult without constant
body-hate thoughts win over my desire for thin privileges these days.
But I still struggle.
I struggle to let go of my younger,
food-obsessed, get-skinny-or-die-trying self.
I struggle to accept that it really is
okay to not be thin, or even "normal" sized.
I struggle because letting go of the
food journal, and the scale, and the desire to be thin is just scary, because I
have literally not been like that since age 10.
I struggle because I'm afraid of the
unknown.
I struggle because I'm afraid to let go
and to just be happy.
I struggle to find the balance in food
and exercise, especially without any RULES lording over me and my thoughts.
I struggle.
But I'm going to try to
let go of these unnecessary problems. Life is hard enough.
What area(s) in your life are you struggling with right now?
2 comments:
It is definitely a struggle I can relate to! But I take comfort in this: we'd have to be superhuman NOT to struggle with this, because the forces of society against self-acceptance are SO strong. We're doing the best we can!
Thank you for this! I struggle with seeing new moms focus on becoming omgsohealthy and getting back to their pre baby weight/body ASAP. I have the same yoyo history as you and I don't want to fall back into the trap of weight loss and binging and restriction so soon after my entire life changing and having a baby. But at the same time I know how important working out and eating good is for my self esteem and I don't want to be so fluffy after having a baby and stay that way for a long time. Sigh
Post a Comment