Monday, October 20, 2014

Intuitiveness and not caring...



So the last couple of days I have been trying to listen to my body and mind, and to respect myself.  

I have tried to be an intuitive eater several times in my life, so I'm not going to try again.  Instead of giving myself that "intuitive eater" label and preaching about the benefits of "intuitive eating" and following steps,  I'm going to instead just stop thinking about it.

I just don't care anymore.  Not in a "giving up" kind of way, but in a "eating is a part of life but it's not the most important thing anymore" way.  I am beginning to think that my disordered thoughts about food may actually be disappearing.

My attitude about food now is that it just is.  I eat when I'm hungry and when I feel like eating.  Usually these are the same things, but sometimes they are not.  I try to avoid emotional eating, but I'm not obsessive about it.

I've been obsessively trying to avoid emotional eating for years now, and that has not resulted in the behavior ending.

My new theory is that if I stop caring so much about my eating habits, they will eventually end up in that intuitive place, and my weight will end up where it's supposed to be.  I will still lose weight, because I won't be obsessed with food anymore, which will lead to less binges and more healthy decisions.  It may not be a fast paced weight loss.  I may lose 20 pounds a year or less.



But that's okay.  I have about 70 pounds left to lose to reach my goal of weighing what I weighed before Mom died. I truly believe that I will reach that goal (if it remains my goal, that is).  It may take a couple of more years, but I will reach it.

I also believe that along the way, I'm going to let go of my EDNOS completely, run a marathon, do a pull-up, go to law school, get married, and do anything else that I set my mind to.

I will have to figure out what to blog about, if not food and exercise.  Maybe I will take a break from this blog.  Maybe I will find a way to write more about my EDNOS recovery.  Either way, please know that I'm doing very well right now when it comes to this area of my life.

selfie in Central Perk



1 comment:

brandva421 said...

Hi Leah! You say you're not doing IE anymore, but what you're doing now sounds EXACTLY like IE. :) My guess (and this is just a hunch, based on my experience and many others I've known) is that in your past attempts at IE, you were unintentionally turning IE into another diet. Isabel Foxen Duke calls this the "Hunger and Fullness Diet" and says it's the #1 reason IE doesn't stick with people. (Here are two links where she talks about this: http://isabelfoxenduke.com/the-1-reason-intuitive-eating-fails/ AND http://isabelfoxenduke.com/beware-the-hunger-fullness-diet-2/)

I think the vast majority of us attempting IE make this mistake just based on our ED history, perfectionist tendencies, need for control, etc. Anyway, I just wanted to say that your new method sounds exactly like IE to me, and I agree 100% that this is the best route for recovery. I agree that it's just not realistic to completely eliminate emotional eating and overeating (and if you check out Isabel Foxen Duke's site, she talks about this a lot too); it helps to think of IE as a set of friendly guidelines or principles rather than a set of rules like a diet. :)

As for your final comment about being uncertain what you'll blog about, I would say this. We all know that eating disorders aren't REALLY about the food and weight - that they go much deeper than that. So, if you want to continue blogging, maybe you could focus more on those deeper issues - the emotional or situational triggers, the cognitive distortions, the self-worth issues, depending on which ones apply to you. :) Just a suggestion. Best of luck to you, and I look forward to reading more! :)