I am more determined than ever before to not let any weight loss obsession enter my mind.
I don't want to go back to my ED days.
But the truth is, sometimes I still have very disordered thoughts about food, exercise, my weight, my body, etc. Some of those thoughts include:
Maybe I should just do what I did a decade ago. It didn't kill me, and I lost 80 pounds in a year. Maybe this time, I wouldn't need to be treated for anorexic behavior, because I will be able to
control it better.
Maybe I should just throw up that bag of chips I just ate. One time wouldn't kill me, and I would feel better about myself than I do now, post chip-binge.
Maybe I should start doing 2 hours of cardio a day, like I did back then. One hour at the beginning and one hour at the end of each day.
Maybe I should join My Fitness Pal again, and edit the calorie number so that I will definitely lose 3 pounds every week.
...and so on.
I am fortunate that these thoughts are extremely fleeting, and that they are also extremely rare. But they do pop up sometimes. And I hate that they do.
I wonder how many years it will take for these thoughts to stop completely, or if, like some people say, once you have an ED, you will always have an ED.
I don't believe that though. I know that it's been a decade since my "recovery" and I still have these thoughts, but I also know that they happen less often with each passing month.
Time heals most wounds, and I believe that some take longer than others, but that doesn't mean that the healing isn't happening.
My ED will one day be truly a thing of the past.
But for now, I still (very) occasionally have to deal with these thoughts. And so long as I don't act on them, or give them any attention whatsoever, I believe that they will continue to happen less and less often until one day, maybe next year, maybe by the time I'm 40, they will vanish completely.
Today, I am focusing on loving myself and my body. True, I am still working on losing weight, but I'm choosing to not make that a central focus in my life. It's just a small part of it, and doesn't have anything to do with who I am as a person.