I'm back, baby!

I'm so happy with my dieting situation right now.  I think that I needed that wakeup call last week.

Thank you to everyone who read my last post and commented!  You ladies seriously rock my world, and your supportive comments really helped me get through that craziness.

:-)

Life is one big ball of stress right now, so I will make this post short and sweet so that I can get back to said stress.  The biggest stressor = finals are coming.  My first final is tonight!!! At 5:30 central time, if you want to send positive thoughts/energy/prayers my way.  Whatever you got, I'll take! 

Anyway, after reflecting A LOT about why I was starting to hear my old ED-voice again, I realized that it really was about control.  I felt completely out of control in my life, and food and exercise were two things that I can definately control.  But, luckily, I DID NOT listen to that voice.  I caught myself in time, and have continued my healthy eating.

One good thing to come out of that mess:  I am fully embracing Weight Watchers.  Once again, I am committed to tracking my food and exercise on ww.com, and to follow the principles of the Simply Filling Technique.  I briefly considered going back to counting Points Plus full time, but decided that the SFT works so well for me mentally, that I will just stick with that.

I have decided that I may never be able to be an intuitive eater.  As someone with a history of eating disorders, that may not be a realistic goal.  I may need to track my food in some way forever.  *gulp*

Just saying that out loud has actually been a relief for me.  No more big IE goal for me, looming just out of my reach.  I can embrace intuitive eating within the borders of Weight Watchers with the SFT. 

Another reason that I know for sure that my eating disorder hasn't resurfaced:  I answered a poll on the 20's board this morning about the Points Plus program, and how much weight I have lost since starting it.

I looked back in my Weight Tracker, because I really had no clue.  Turns out I've lost 13.4 pounds in the 21 weeks of Points Plus.  And that seems like a great rate of loss for someone so close to goal!  If I continue to lose at that rate (about .6 pound a week), I will be at my goal weight of 135 by my birthday in October. Perfect.  But, I'm not going to obsess about that number.  Instead, I'm going to just focus on the SFT and on my exercise schedule, and get to my goal weight whenever my body is ready for it.  One day at a time.

P.S.  I lost 1.2 this week!!!  Only .4 away from where I was before the gain a couple of weeks ago.  More proof that it's so much easier to gain weight than it is to lose it. 

Unhealthy food obsession creeping back into my life?

I really hope not...  but I'm starting to feel that need to be "in control" of my food intake again.  I haven't felt this way in years, and it scares me.

I am thinking about food way too often.  I think about how much I've eaten, how much I have left to eat for the day, when my next meal or snack will be, what my next meal or snack will be, whether or not I was "good" at my last meal or snack, whether or not I "deserve" a treat, etc.

These are not healthy thoughts!

I am starting to think that my eating disorder thinking is starting to creep back into my head, and THAT IS NOT OKAY WITH ME.

Repeat:  Not okay.

The good thing is that I have recognized that it's happening, and right away.  The bad thing is that I have no clue how to fix it.

I guess that I will just try to focus on the other things in my life, and to listen to my hunger signals and track my food with the Simply Filling Technique of Weight Watchers. 

I am embarrased to come on here and admit to this, because I like to think of myself as a good example of someone who is fully recovered from disordered eating.

But I guess that there is a reason that they never gave me a completion certificate at the end of my recovery program in 2005:  There may not be a completion date for this illness.  In times of extreme stress, my brain's first response is this-

"Must have control!  Must control something... I know, I can control my FOOD!!!  Time to start restricting and being obsessive!  That will solve my problem of feeling out of control, right?!  RIGHT?!"

And that is WRONG.  And I know that.

Since I've recognized the cause of this momentary relapse in healthy thinking is STRESS, perhaps I should start with that.  Deal with whatever it is that is stressing me out.  Practice relaxation techniques.  Say my affirmations and do some meditation.  Take a bubble bath.  Yoga.  Pray. 

Also, I believe that I'm stressed because I feel as if I'm behind at both work and in school.  If I focus on getting caught up, one task at a time, and on studying, on chapter at a time, then I should (in theory) begin to feel that stress melt away.

Thanks for reading.  I will not be doing a Tasty Tuesday tonight, but those should resume next week.

P.S. I should mention that I have not acted on my thoughts to restrict, I am still eating a healthy amount of food (following WW guidelines) and exercising a healthy amount (30-60 minutes a day, most days) and will continue to do so.  Just scared of the thoughts.  And yes, I added this disclaimer mostly in case my family is reading this and terrified!  Mom, don't call the hospital, I'm fine.  :-)