2014 Thoughts, Plans, and Life Changes

Please see my 2013 recap post to see how I've done this year!

Now it's time for me to let you guys in on the many life changes coming my way in 2014, as well as describe more about my overall plans in regard to food, exercise, EDNOS recovery, and weight loss.

First of all, the life changing events!!!

For the first time in a very long while, the life altering events are positive.  :-)

I'm about to begin my final semester at The University of Memphis.  That's right, the first change is that I'm going to have a college degree finally.  I even am going to make that "before 30" cut off date that I strived for when I went back to school at the beginning of 2011.  YAY!!!

On May 10, 2014, I will have a bachelor's degree in political science.

After that?  Originally, many of you may remember that I planned to immediately go to law school.  That has changed.  I have decided to take some time off from school.  I am not 100% sure that law school is the right decision for me right now, so I figured that the best way to decide would to be to work as a paralegal for awhile.  So that is my plan, to secure a paralegal job in New York City.

The next big step after graduation is securing a job post-graduation.  The job hunt will begin in February, when I begin sending out my resumes.  Hopefully I will be able to secure a job before we move to the city, but if not I can work at a paralegal temp agency for awhile.  But I'm pretty confident that a good job is out there for me.  :-)

So next, Stacey and I are going to be moving to NYC, something that we've been planning to do for years.  Some time between graduation and our lease ending (end of July) we will be New Yorkers.  I'm very excited about that.

And those are just a few of the many changes coming to my life in 2014.  It has the potential to be a very good year.  A very stressful year full of changes, but very good.

Weight/Diet/Exercise plans for 2014?  I do plan to lose the grief weight.  I'm in the process of figuring out the "how" without going back to dieting or reverting back to any EDNOS behaviors.  The fact remains that I really want to get back to a healthier size for me.  And another factoid is that I'm currently not engaging in many healthy behaviors.

A post about my health quest (the "official" title of whatever I end up doing to lose the weight and get healthy) will be coming soon.  :-)

For now, I just want to say thanks to all of you who have been reading the blog for awhile, supporting me through this often difficult time.  And also say a quick "hello" to anyone here for the first time!  HI!!!
You are all appreciated and loved by me.  Thanks for being here.  If anyone needs to talk to me, please feel free to message me on my Facebook page or to email me at leahthekindweightwatcher@gmail.com.  I will answer you (so long as you aren't trying to sell me something).

2013 Recap/Review...

What is there to say about my 2013?  I'm sure that many good things happened.  I'm sure that many bad things happened, too.  I'm mostly numb with depression at the moment, so it's tough to write about my life.  But I will try...  I will share some positive things and accomplishments that happened in 2013.

1) I had that internship.  From January through May, I lived in Nashville, working at the capital with state legislators.  It was a great experience in some ways.  One way is that I learned that I never want another roommate that is not Stacey, ever again.  My roommates were a special kind of Hell on Earth for me.  And my immediate superior at my internship was pretty evil, too.

However, the people who actually count loved me, including some good contacts for my future, such as a couple of House representatives and the House counsel, one of whom told me that I will always have a job there if I want it.  I don't want it, but I'm grateful for the offer!  And I'm thankful for this experience that will look amazing on my resume when I start sending it out in a couple of months.

2) I trained for and completed a half marathon.  Yep.  This happened.  All in 2013.  It seems surreal to think about it now, in retrospect.  I'm not sure at the moment where my future in running will lie, but I'm happy to have accomplished this  goal.

3) I stayed in school.  After my internship, which counted as school credit, I took two Spanish courses over summer "break" and then busted my hump to do well this fall semester.  I improved my GPA a bit from the crappy semester of fall 2012 (going back to school right after Mom died was simultaneously a big mistake and the greatest accomplishment of my life so far).  My GPA is still nowhere near as awesome as it was before Mom's death, but then again life has changed so much that it's hard to care too much about that.  And now I am five months away from graduating!

My plans for post-graduation have changed so much this year.  I will blog about that soon...

4) I studied my ass off and took the LSAT.  I did terribly.  But I tried my best, and I freaking did it.

5) I became a hospice volunteer.  It has really helped me to rediscover the giving part of myself that has been pretty foggy since Mom's death.

6) I went to my 10  year high school reunion. Holy crap, that was fun!  But I will never EVER drive from Memphis to Omaha again.

7) I turned 29 years old.  Though I didn't want to celebrate my birthday, Stacey got me a delicious cake.  And I ate it!

8) My weight problems took a back seat.  I lost weight, then gained weight, then decided to focus on EDNOS recovery rather than weight loss, and renamed my blog and Facebook page, then gained more weight, then finally decided that I want to lose weight again.

I'm ready to get rid of the grief weight and get back to where I'm comfortable, which is around 165 (technically 11 pounds overweight) and a size 14 to 16.  Right now I've gotten heavier than ever (I was 23 pounds heavier than my original start weight - I've lost 5 pounds in the last week by just watching what I eat a bit).

Here's my new "before" pictures:

I'm not beating myself up over this weight gain.  I'm 75 pounds heavier than I was before Mom died.
It's emotional weight.  I'm not mad at myself.  I'm compassionate with myself.  I love myself.  I love my body, even at this size.  I'm not going to use self-hate or body-hate as motivators to lose it, because I don't have those things anymore.

Instead I'm going to use my desire to be healthy, and use my love for myself to motivate me to get comfortable with my body again.  I'm not comfortable this big.  It has gotten in the way of a few aspects of my life, and I'm ready to be done with that.

I'm still focused on anti-dieting and EDNOS recovery, so this may be a slower process than the times that I strictly dieted, and I'm okay with that.  I'll post more about my weight loss plans (how I'm planning to lose it and keep it off) soon.  For now, just know that I'm not doing anything crazy.  Just focusing on eating healthier.

Anyway, 2013 was my first full motherless year.  It will forever be remembered that way for me.  I've been extremely depressed for the bulk of the year, and almost all of the year has been filled with self doubt, stress, fear, and sadness.

I'm very proud of myself for the things that I managed to accomplish during this trying time.  I am not giving up on myself.  I'm keeping on.  2013 was not the best year ever, but it could have been much worse.

2014 is going to be crazy!  Stay tuned for that post soon...

rut.

I've been in a bit of a rut these days, as far as eating and exercise go.

My rut has been about two specific life situations.

The first is the TERRIBLE cold with flu-like symptoms that I got at the end of October.  I was so miserable physically for three weeks that I didn't even kind of exercise.  And it's been hard to get back into a routine, even though I've been nearly 100% for about a week now.

The second is school stress.  So many projects, assignments, exams, and papers all happening at once. This happens the last month of the semester every time, so it's no surprise.  But it is still stressful every time!

Stress has actually made me less hungry for once, which is an exciting change of events.  Not in a disordered eating way, just in the fact that I feel more normal now.  Apparently, "normal" eaters get less hungry during times of stress.  They literally forget to eat.  And that has happened to me a couple of times this week.

The only problem with my forgetting lunch is that by the time my growling stomach reminds me that it's 5 pm and I haven't eaten since 9, I overeat to compensate.  I become a crazed grazer, where nothing satisfies me until I'm super stuffed.

Something that I made this week.  It's inspiring me so much these days!
P.S. Any Buffy fans in the house?  ;-)

It's not a good thing.

And my choices have not been the healthiest.  All I crave at that starving point in my stressful day is pizza and chips, followed by chocolate.  It's kind of crazy...

Anyway...  I'm sick of this rut.

There are still three weeks left until the final final is final, and I refuse to continue down this path.

How am I going to get out of this rut?

As far as eating goes:

• I need to remember to eat lunch.
• I need to have some healthy after school snacks on hand, like cut-up fruits and veggies, and Wasa crackers with salsa and hummus.   Yogurt and cottage cheese also need to make a reappearance in my fridge.  
• Pizza and chips can stick around too, because I'm an ex-dieter, but I think that if I remember to eat lunch, I will be less likely to crave only those things.  (Of course, if I'm wrong about that, then I will probably still be satisfied with less than an ENTIRE pizza and an ENTIRE bag of chips if I am not starving!)

Exercise...  I think that the only cure for getting out of this particular rut is to just do it.  My body loves movement, my heart craves cardio workouts, and my head always benefits from the stress-reducing endorphins.  I just need to remember this.  I also need to remember that it's okay to go for a run even if I  only have thirty minutes, or if I know that I won't be able to run again for several days.  No more "all or nothing" exercise routines!

The only good thing about this rut is that my body is finally CRAVING healthy food and exercise.  So I'm going to cook a healthy dinner tonight, and I finally went back to the gym yesterday for a treadmill 5K.

I'm officially one of those awesome people who brag
about their running on their car!  :-)

Have you ever been in a rut?  

How did YOU get out of it?

a picture of my Grandma

This is a picture of my dad's parents, known by me, my brother, and my cousin Shannon as "Grandpa and Grandma New".

This is several years ago, when they got married.  I forget the exact year...  But my dad was born in 1960 and he was their second child, and all three of their kids were some time after this picture was taken, so I'm thinking 1953 or so.

Anyway, I have been told by pretty much everyone who sees pictures of Grandma that I look just like her.

And I agree for the most part.  Except for her thick nearly black hair and her ability to tan (probably because she was 1/8 Cherokee, and my Native American-ness just can't compare to hers), I look a lot like her.

My point is, I'm happy to look like Grandma New.  She is a beautiful woman.

Good bye, labels!

In my quest for complete EDNOS recovery, I decided that it was important to figure out exactly how much of my vegan, then vegetarian, then pescatarian eating was truly because that is how I want to eat, and how much of that is my wanting a label to define my eating besides "out of control".

There are many wonderful reasons to eat vegan, vegetarian, and pescatarian.  Seriously.  I've studied all three eating styles a lot, and they are all amazing in their own special ways.

I am stepping away from those labels.  I need to find out whether I ate those ways because it was truly right for me, or if I ate those ways to maintain a certain amount of control over my eating.  Did I go vegan to lose weight?  Did I stay vegetarian and then switch to pescatarian to stay "special"?  Do I really and truly want to eat like that?

These are the questions that I am working on answering.  For now, I have no label when it comes to my eating.  Unless you count "recovering from EDNOS" and "ex-dieter" as labels.

So what does this mean for my diet?

It means that I am experimenting with cooking and eating meat again.  For now, I'm still eating mostly vegetarian.  I still believe that a mostly plant-based diet is the healthiest way to eat for me, and conducive to giving me the ultimate fuel for my runs and other workouts.  Plus, I just really love to cook vegan meals!

And when I cook meat, I usually choose fish.  But I cooked and ate chicken for the first time in several years a couple of days ago.  Just to see if it felt right or wrong.  It was organic, free-range chicken from Whole Foods.  I plan to buy any meat that I cook from local farms and Whole Foods, just so that I'm not supporting factory farming, something that I am still very much against (that much I know for sure).

I have realized that all or nothing thinking can apply to this aspect of eating, too.  Just because I'm not vegetarian anymore doesn't mean that I have to eat meat every day or even every week.  It just means that I no longer avoid it at all costs.

So when will I be eating meat?  When I cook it myself, or when a loved one cooks it for me.  I will not be ordering it when out to eat, because I don't see the point in that.  I have learned to eat vegetarian or pescatarian while out to eat.

Mostly, I will still be cooking beans, tofu, vegetables, and fish.  But I will occasionally now cook chicken.  I'm not comfortable eating mammals, and I doubt that will change. And that's okay.

And no, I'm not going to grasp at the newly acceptable "flexitarian" label.  I am label-free for now.

(Be-tee-dubs, I am not saying that labels are wrong for everyone.  I understand all the different needs to label oneself and one's eating style.  I just don't think that they are healthy for ME at this point in my recovery.)  

Do you have a label for your eating style?  

Why or why not?  

looking inward

First, a brief report on The Color Run:  I had a terrible cold, but decided to race anyway!  It was Stacey's first official 5K, and he rocked it, finishing in 30 minutes.  The race course was only 2.83 miles, and I finished in 39.  I ran a lot of it, and really enjoyed myself.  The color didn't feel good in my sick lungs, though, so I stayed away from it as much as possible.  My team was called "Mopey Zoo Lion" and this was our second run together.  We all decorate our own T-Shirts with mopey lions, and here is the back of Stacey's:

Now on to today's topic, which is looking inward.

Knowing my body as well as I know it these days, I have noticed that I have gotten a little bit bigger lately.  My size 18's are a little snug, and my stomach is a bit pouchier than it was last month.  In several of the professional racing pictures of me, I noticed that my hips and thighs have gotten quite large again.

My hips don't lie!

I'm not freaking out and hopping back on the diet bandwagon.  Instead I am looking inward to figure out why I have been turning to food for reasons other than hunger so much lately.

Some of it is emotional eating.

Sadness: The "holidays" are here again, which is a sad reminder of how different life is without Mom.
Stress: This semester is stressful as I try to improve my GPA and study to retake the LSAT and prepare my law school applications.  My life is in transition right now, as I am so close to the next step in my life, which will include planning a wedding (not officially engaged, but Stacey and I have discussed getting married before law school) and planning a move, along with planning for law school (hopefully!).

So I know the triggers for my emotional eating, and I'm glad that I've come to know my body so well that I have caught this emotional eating before it got too out of hand.

So what am I going to do, now that I've noticed this unwelcome change in my body?

I'm going to stay away from the scale and the diet books.

I'm going to take care of myself as I recover from a terrible cold.

I'm going to browse the Intuitive Eating community forums.

I'm going to work on eating more vegetables and fruits to give my body the natural medicine it needs to get well.

I'm not going to weigh myself, google the best way to lose weight quickly, sign up for Weight Watchers for the 10,000th time, make a hardcore cardio exercise plan and force myself to stick to it NO MATTER WHAT, or feel badly about myself in any way.

I love myself, and that includes my body.  I even love myself and my body when I am heavier than I'd like to be.  How revolutionary!

I will get back to a more comfortable (for me) size as soon as I am supposed to.  There is no rush.  I will be an intuitive eater who does not eat her emotions one day.

Today I have learned that I have made progress towards that goal, by simply being in tune with my body more than I used to be.  As I said in an earlier post, I am no longer avoiding mirrors or posing for full body pictures.  I am no longer scared of my body, nor do I  hate it.  This is progress.  So I'm proud.

I'm not blogging about this to admit to a failure, and to hang my head in shame at having gained weight, to give a report on how I'm going to fix it.  No siree.  That is not what this blog is about anymore.  It's about getting healthy and happy.

I am blogging about this to share an interesting part of this recovery journey with you all.

10/30/2013 - feeling encouraged!
(and rocking my half marathon tee!)

4 Bridges Half Marathon recap (subtitle: I DID IT!!!!)

Okay, so as those of you who check in on my Facebook page already know, I actually completed the half marathon that I have been planning to do since January!  What a relief.  There were some moments near the race day that I seriously thought to myself "Who am I kidding?", but I persevered.

And yes, I walked some.  Okay, I walked more than I would have liked.  But I freakin' did it.

I am a half marathoner!!!  

Hear me roar!!!

This is going to be a long recap of the entire race experience, so go grab a beverage and make yourself comfortable.

First of all, the day before the race my cheerleaders and I had to travel from Memphis to Chattanooga, because I had the crazy idea that my first half should be somewhere pretty.  Chattanooga is really pretty!  So much scenery, including mountains!

I brought my cheerleaders, Stacey and his daughter LaPrecious with me.  After we checked into our hotel, we went to the race site (Coolidge Park, Chattanooga TN) to pick up my packet.

I was super excited to see my name on my bib!  What a cool surprise.  It made this race seem so much more official than the 5Ks that I've done.

After we picked up my packet, which included a really cool race shirt, we walked around the park and found where the start line would be.  We also did some general site seeing.  Chattanooga is gorgeous!

I was concerned about the weather for the race.  The forecast said that it was going to stay between 40 and 60 degrees, which to me seems pretty cold.  I had an awesome race outfit, but was debating switching from my long sleeved running shirt to the Tshirt provided in my packet.

laid out the night before!

The night before the race I could barely sleep, I was so nervous.  I had done a 13.1 miler a week prior on my own which didn't go so well.  I was desperately hoping that the excitement of race day would help me run more than I did on my own attempt.

the course

The race started at 7 a.m., so I decided to eat my breakfast at 5:30 to give myself time to digest before the run.

I chose to have a plain bagel and peanut butter for my breakfast, as recommended for me from some marathoners as being the "perfect" race day breakfast.  Something about the carbs, protein, and fat combination, along with it being pretty easy on the stomach.

This was pure fuel eating for me, as I was not hungry at all at 5:30 a.m.  It was the first time in my life that I had actually eaten just for fuel and it was interesting to say the least!  I didn't like eating when not hungry, but I understood the need to fuel before a race.

I chose to go with the long-sleeve running shirt instead of the T-shirt, because it was FREEZING.  Here I am before the race, trying to get jazzed.

I tried to find a pacer that would work for me.  I was aiming to finish the half in three hours.  I couldn't find anyone before the race started, so I just stood in the middle of the crowd.

When the race started, I set my Garmin as I crossed the start line.  I was going to wait  a little while until I started my audio book, because I wanted to just enjoy the crowd for a bit.  And it was exciting!  All of the running energy surrounding me made me feel like a strong warrior!

A little after the 1 mile marker, I looked at my Garmin, and was upset to find that it had stopped working.  I tried to reset it, and it still didn't work.  It had charged all night long, so it was definitely malfunctioning.  I was sad about it, but I kept on, hoping that the mile markers would actually be shown every mile (they mostly were).

There were aid stations about every mile, which was nice.  Some had only water, some had powerade and powergels, and every one starting at mile 8 also had snack options.

Around  mile 3, I found a pacer for a 6 hour full marathon.  (The half marathon and the full marathon were running at the same time).  I did some quick math and figured that if I stuck by this guy I would maybe hit my 3 hour goal.  I told the guy my goal, and he pointed to the guy next to him and said that he was going to do the half in 3.  I decided to stick with that guy for the rest of the race.

I stuck with him until mile 7 or so, and then I lost him at a hill.  It was a very hilly course!

4 Bridges Half Marathon Elevation Profile!!!  Yikes.

At that point, I was feeling pretty worn out, but excited that the race was more than halfway done.  I looked at my watch and saw that I was halfway done and it was 8:40, so I was almost on schedule for a three hour half.

I happily accepted some apple slices at the mile 8 aid station, along with a bit of water.  I walked that mile 8 the entire way, and totally lost sight of my pacer guy.  At mile 9, I was rejuvenated with Powerade and ran all the way to 10, then ran/walked the rest of the race.

There was a giant germ-infested bowl of Reese's pieces at the next aid station, and I grossly grabbed a few.  The sugar rush really helped me get through the final 5K!

At mile 11, my lower back suddenly ached terribly, and I had to stop and stretch a bit.  It was a sharp pain, but I stretched and then kept on going, and it went away.

At mile 12 I felt like I was about the die, but was so thrilled that it was almost over.  I saw that it was ten minutes past 3 hours at that point, and I was a little let down to have not met my goal, but still excited to be almost done.

The final mile I switched from my audio book ("Not  Young, Still Restless" by Jeanne Cooper - AMAZING memoir!) to my Jock Jams Pandora station.  I wanted to be PUMPED at the finish line!

Finally, the finish line was so close!  The race had the one feature that I always love to see at races: The last stretch was past a corner!  This made it possible for all racers to run the last stretch and to look like maybe they had been running the entire time.  I love it.  :-)

The final tenth mile stretch was exhilarating.  The crowd was great!

And when I crossed the line, I saw that my time was 3:23.  (Later, the official results actually said that my finish time was 3:18).

Someone placed a medal around my neck, someone else handed me an official water bottle filled with ice cold water, and someone else handed me a bag of snacks.

I took out my headphones and searched for my team.

Finally, they found me.

I was so proud of myself.  I was a half marathoner!  I had accomplished this, for real.  I felt the spirit of Mom with me the entire time.

I only realized after I had accomplished this that this was the very first thing that I had done completely without Mom.  Mom had never known me as a runner, though she knew that I dreamed of being one. This was all accomplished in a world without Mom in it.  It was the first goal that I had made, seen through, and accomplished without Mom.  It was a very healing experience.  Mom would be so proud of me.

I placed first in the division of
women born on October 7, 1984
with blonde hair and green eyes!

Anyway, after the race my legs felt like noodles.   Stacey and Precious took me to Chillis for a post-race chow down.

Sitting never felt as good as it did after the half marathon.

Injuries:  blister on my right heel, blister on my left pinkie toe, and sores all around the bottom of my sports bra.  Also, my left heel hurt so badly whenever I put pressure on it that I suspect that I may have plantar fasciitis. No knee pain thanks to the braces, and no chafing thanks to this guy:

cheaper version of Body Glide
($5 at Wal Mart)

I'm thrilled that this race is behind me.  I am planning to do more training soon, but I had to take some time off because I came back from Chattanooga with a very bad cold with flu-like symptoms.

There is a 5K tomorrow that both Stacey and I are doing, even though neither of us are 100%.  Still looking forward to it, though.  The Color Run should be a blast, and hopefully really easy compared to a half marathon.  ;-)

I'll share more about my upcoming training plans on a future blog post.  I hope that you enjoyed reading all about  my first half marathon!!!