I don't want to die dieting.
I hate that Mom died unhappy with her appearance. Mom was
beautiful. Inside AND out. She had been on a medication for years that
had caused a bit of weight gain and a puffiness in her face and neck. And she
HATED her looks because of it. No one could convince her that she wasn't
ugly and fat.
Not even me. God knows that I tried, though. I hate how important
looks are to us, as women.
Why is there such a pressure to look a certain way?
Why, when our looks change, be it because of age, pregnancy, medications,
health issues, stress, or even just holiday weight gain... Why does this MATTER
to us so much??
Can't we just be happy with our accomplishments that have nothing to do with
Why are we contantly comparing our looks to other women's looks?
Why do we enjoy talking about our virtuous dieting stories
with our fellow women? Surely there is something else to talk about besides how
"good" we were for avoiding the fried food, or how "guilty" we are for eating
I don't get it. I don't get why I am like this, even though
I know it's wrong. I don't want to be one of the dieters anymore. I don't want
to hate my appearance even one bit.
I'm beautiful. And I do actually know this. Even though I'm heavier than I
want to be, even though I'm older than I once was, even though there are parts
of my appearance that aren't picture-perfect. I know that my looks aren't bad,
for the most part. I like my appearance. I don't think that I'm ugly.
But my beauty is not really an accomplishment. I didn't earn my looks. I
inherited them from a beautiful mother.
My biggest accomplishments are yet to come. And the 50 or so pounds that I am
going to lose, however long it takes, will NOT be on that list (even though it
will be an accomplishment!).
I'm going to stop putting my weight loss on such a high pedestal.
There are more important things in life.
Mom would want me to get out of this dieting nightmare, and to lose the
weight at a slow and comfortable pace. She would want me to be happy and
healthy first, and worry about what the numbers on the scale, measuring
tape, and pants label say last.
She would want me to graduate with honors, go to Columbia Law School, get
married, have kids, live in New York, and follow my heart.
I dedicated my weight loss journey to Mom, but I also want to dedicate those
other journeys to her. Because even though my weight loss is important to me, I
want it to be LESS important.
There are still lots of things that I need to work on when it comes to food
and exercise. I know this. I'm still figuring it out. It's very possible that I
will always be figuring that out.
And you know what? That does not make me a failure. Just because I don't have
the food thing figured out yet, just because I still kinda suffer from EDNOS,
just because I don't really like my body and am still figuring out how to love
it more and treat it right... these things don't make me a failure as a
I'm just glad that I finally realized that.
P.S. Thanks to my friend Jennifer for convincing me to post this.