Sunday, September 9, 2012

FAT isn't a feeling!

This is something that I have once again had to start saying to myself. 

...because lately I've been "feeling" fat.  Like I'm scared that I have regained back ALL of my weight, because I haven't weighed in in weeks and have been learning how to be an intuitive eater.

And because I'm emotionally spent and exhausted with my grief over Mom and my stress over school, my natural instinct is to shift the focus to my body hate.  I don't know why my mind automatically goes there, but I guess it's a symptom of EDNOS that is still hanging around.

Whenever life gets crazy and my emotions are everywhere, I start searching for CONTROL.  And where can I most easily find control?  By obsessing over my food and my weight. 

And when I look at how I've been eating over the last few weeks, I have been overdoing it with the junk food and underdoing it with the healthy stuff.  And that needs to change if I ever want to be comfortable in my body for good. 

Right now, I go back and forth with how I feel about my body's size. 

The weight that I gained in June hasn't gone anywhere.  It's still clinging to me.  And all of my clothes are too tight and uncomfortable.

I have this theory about that situation:  If I go out and buy myself some new clothes that fit my body as it is NOW and that look good, then I will feel better about myself, and will therefore be happier, and will not "need" to emotionally eat as much. 

So, that's in the plans.  And whenever it happens (hopefully next weekend!), I will post some pictures of my new stuff for you guys.  :-)

For now, I am going to continue learning intuitive eating, but may start tracking again sporadically, just to keep my portion control in check, because I think that I've started to forget the basics on what a healthy portion is.  I'm going to stay away from the scale, but I may pick up the measuring tape soon.  I'm going to start exercising most days again, which is something that I've let slide. Speaking of which...

I've been contacted by Gaiam TV for a blogging opportunity.  I am going to get to try out their new site for free in exchange for blogging about it.  So, I've decided to go for it!  It's a pretty cool website, with tons of exercise videos that stream instantly, including many that I've been wanting for years but have procrastinated buying (namely The Firm Wave!!!).  So I'm excited about that opportunity, and will be blogging a bit more about that site soon. 

I am reminding myself (and YOU) that fat is not a feeling.  When I say that "I feel fat", I don't really FEEL fat.  Fat is a metaphor for whatever I'm actually feeling, but trying to suppress. 

Here's my latest reality check picture:

I don't think this is as bad as I feel...

1 comment:

Cyn Knight said...

you are amazing and always find an eloquent way to write about what i am sure ALL of us are feeling.
i feel fat today too & you're right -- it's not true feeling -- it's me over-obsessing because i ate cheese today.
ughhh why do we do this to ourselves -- i mean look how far we have come & you through such a trying time.
i adore ya and your blog!