But for me, this is actually a victory.
Let me explain.
For years, ever since age 11 or so, I have had an unhealthy relationship with food. I've considered myself addicted to some foods, and to be an emotional eater, a closet eater, an anorexic, a binge-eater, and a chronic dieter, to name a few...
Some examples of my obsessive thoughts about junk food in my house:
"When will I be alone so that I can eat it?"
"Why was I so stupid to buy this junk food?"
"WTF is wrong with me?"
"It's okay, I can eat them later..."
"When can I eat the whole thing???"
"Why did I eat the whole thing???"
"DON'T eat it. Just keep it as a reminder of the fat pig that you used to be."
"Why am I torturing myself?"
"Just eat it, then start over tomorrow!"
"And never buy these again."
"Bad girl for buying these!"
"Good girl for not eating these yet!"
"Bad girl for eating all of these!"
"Good girl for only eating a couple!"
"Bad girl for buying them in the first place. Seriously, NEVER AGAIN."
"If they weren't here, I wouldn't have eaten them. STUPID."
And on and on and on.
Whenever I tried Intuitive Eating, I would end up eating mostly junk food. This was probably because I was still looking at IE as a diet, and I knew that some day it would be over, and that I wouldn't be allowed to eat chips and cookies every day anymore. Because no one can eat those daily and be healthy, right?!
Now that I have truly let go of emotional eating, and am allowing myself to truly eat whatever I want without restriction (besides staying within a very generous calorie range and trying to listen to my hunger signals), I am able to enjoy a moderate amount of junk food every day.
I'm finally one of the chip clip people. I have a box of cookies in the pantry, and a couple of bags of chips. I enjoy some every evening that I want to, and that has been most evenings these days. They fit effortlessly into my daily calories, and I am able to stop after a serving or two EVERY TIME.
No longer do I experience true cravings for junk food. There is no need to crave it, because I can have it today, and again tomorrow, and again the day after that, indefintely.
That part of Intuitive Eating that I was missing, the part about unconditional permission to eat... I'm finally there. And I'm enjoying copious amounts of healthy meals, alongside some junk food every day (see yesterday's Tasty Tuesday). And I'm 100% okay with this.
|Forbidden fruit? Not any more! Goodbye, chip fantasies.|
One side effect of this is that it's no longer exciting to go down the chips aisle at the grocery store, because I'm no longer thinking "this may be the last time that I will buy this, because I may decide to do a no-junk-food-challenge again soon". Having chips always available to me has really taken away some of their allure. Which is HUGE victory for me.
I think that eventually, if I continue along this path, I will no longer want junk food every day. But for now, I do. And that's okay. My food diary is a judgement-free zone.