Anyone who has had an eating disorder knows what I mean when I say "ED thoughts". These are the thoughts that sneak into an otherwise healthy mind, telling the person that they aren't good enough to eat, or aren't good enough to stop eating, or that they are shit because of FAT.
I have been hearing those old ED voices again.
Lately, I've been having a few too many "I need to lose a lot of weight by the time I get married or else I'm shit" thoughts.
I've been thinking stuff like "I can at least lose a pound a week, right? RIGHT???!!!"
and "WHY AM I SUCH A LAZY FAT FUCK?!"
My ED thoughts tend to be all caps, and also profane, so I apologize for any offense.
Anyway, I think that I have made a lot of progress with my EDNOS, despite these thoughts.
Here's why: I recognize them as ED thoughts.
I realize that it's not true.
I'm not a "LAZY FAT FUCK".
I can lose a pound a week, sure, but it's not "THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER and if I don't lose weight before the wedding I'm SHIT OMG!!!".
I'm a strong, intelligent, beautiful woman who deserves nice things and nice thoughts. I deserve happiness and health. I deserve to not give into these ED thoughts. I deserve to continue to choose recovery over dieting, time and time again, no matter what the scale says. I deserve to not worry about my weight or my pants size.
And I know these things.
So, I'm going to recognize and acknowledge these old ED thoughts, and I'm going to breathe.
I'm going to accept that I still have these thoughts, and I'm going to breathe.
I'm going to love myself, and live my life, and I'm going to take comfort in the thought that as long as I don't give into the ED urges that these thoughts are trying to give me, eventually the thoughts will stop.