|Duh, the chocolate now and the apple later.|
Or the chocolate now, then go to the store and
get more chocolate and let the apple go bad!
Yes, do that.
I just ate a banana and it was delicious. But it tasted and felt... somehow wrong. It was strange. It was all rough and natural and fiber-y.
Halfway through, I realized that the strange sensation wasn't the banana's fault: it was mine.
My palette is no longer used to things like raw produce. It's been a long time since I've eaten a banana. It's been a long time since I regularly ate any raw produce.
I never crave fruit, vegetables, or beans anymore. I can eat these things and enjoy them, but they just don't satisfy me anymore, other than I feel good about myself momentarily.
I have developed a "sophisticated" weight gain palete.
Things that feel normal in my mouth: soft bread, pasta, fast food, cake, cookies, chips, steamed vegetables, chicken, fish, lunch meat, pickles, yogurt, granola and cereal bars, fruit cups, soup, pizza, popcorn, and anything else that I have consumed regularly since Mom died.
Things that feel strange in my mouth: fresh fruit, fresh vegetables, beans, whole grains, and pretty much everything that I ate when I was a healthy vegan, including plain water.
That's right. I no longer enjoy water. It has to have Mio or some flavoring shaken up inside for me to want it these days.
I'm not quite sure what to do about this, other than to begin reintroducing some old favorites back into my daily diet.
Of course, since I'm trying to stay away from dieting and "food rules", I don't want to be strict about this.
BUT I feel that the old intuitive eating concept of "eventually your body will tell your head that it needs healthy foods, and you will begin to crave bananas and salads and all healthy things and they will taste better than EVER before!!!!" is bullshit. At least, it's been bullshit for me every time I'm tried to listen to my body after extreme weight gain.
My body either is not craving healthy foods at all, or that mind-body connection has truly become lost in me. Since I'm not a Gilmore Girl, I am going to assume that it's the latter, and that my body really does want healthy stuff but my mind refuses to admit it.
I'm 30 years old now, and I'd like to have kids before I'm 40. I fantasize about having figured all of this food/body shit out by the time I have kids. It may be just a fantasy, but it's still there.
I think it's one of those things that will remain a dream instead of a goal unless I make a plan to get there, ya know? Kind of like getting that college degree, or moving to NYC (one out of two isn't bad...).
A good start to getting past this is to start adding healthy foods back into my regular diet, one by one.
Today I ate a banana. Next week I will try to eat one every morning. Over the next several weeks, here are some things that I'd like to add back in, one week or so at a time:
- oatmeal for breakfast
- cooking a big batch of a veggie/bean/grain dish on the weekend and eating it for lunch all week
- cutting up fresh veggies on the weekend for easy cooking through the week
- drinking a decent amount of plain water every day
- eating salads and raw vegetables regularly
- regular exercise
These are just some examples; I'm sure that there are more!
I'm never going to take things out of my diet (unless a doctor tells me to), but I will begin to add back in some old healthy favorites that my palete has grown out of. I'm hopeful that I can develop a healthy appetite and maybe one day get those health food cravings for real.
But if I never get the health food cravings, I'm still hopeful that one day I will choose the healthy options more often than not, out of love and respect for my body and mind.
What things do you naturally crave these days?