Tuesday, July 14, 2015
The Bad Times...
No one wants to write about the bad times, not even me.
And I'm talking about the bad eating disorder times specifically.
Like when I have a great day but then I binge.
Or when I skip breakfast and lunch because I binged last night.
Or when the ED tells me to weigh myself and body check in order to start over with a new diet plan or eating disorder behavior.
Or when I binge nonstop for 3 days, and it takes me another week or two to get back on track with my recovery meal plan.
Or when I isolate myself because I don't want anyone to know what my ED tells me is the truth: that I'm disgusting and worthless and deserve loneliness and fat.
Yeah, I really don't like documenting the bad times.
But I feel like it's important to blog about them sometimes, otherwise this blog will turn into a place like Facebook, where I only show my favorite things, and never show my struggles.
I struggle daily with my ED. I'm trying hard to stay in recovery-mode 24/7, but it just isn't happening. I still am reaching for the silver medal most days, instead of the gold.
Some days I still fantasize that I don't have an eating disorder, that I just need to re-read Intuitive Eating and grow up.
Some days I still think that all that is needed to have a good life is a thin body.
Some day I truly believe that I am a terrible, undeserving, disgusting person.
But the good part is that most days (like typically 4/7 every week), I try hard to stay on the recovery path. And most days I love myself and my body. And most days I know that the ED is telling me lies, not truths.
So that's something.