Diet soda and gum

DIET SODA AND GUM- Let me first say that I am in no way against either of these things.  I will not preach about the evils that artificial sweetners do to us, or about how these are not "real" things, but fake franken-food stuffs.  That is soooo not the point of this post.

What is the point, you ask?

Well.  It's just another post about my newfound status as an non-emotional eater.

Since I stopped eating for reasons other than hunger a few weeks ago, I've noticed something else that felt blog-worthy. 

I used to almost constantly be drinking a diet soda or chewing a piece of sugar free gum.  Seriously.  Almost constantly.  Some days actually constantly.

I would wake up, drink diet coke until I could get breakfast, then immediately pop a piece of gum in my mouth after my meal was gone.  After the gum went bad, I would either pop in a new piece, eat a snack, or drink another diet soda.  Seriously.  From the time that I woke up in the morning until right before bedtime, my mouth was either chewing or swallowing.

Last week I chewed only 4 pieces of gum and drank about 4 diet sodas a day.  For me, this is a huge decrease. 

This was not a consious move.  It was just an observation that I didn't have to buy my usual three pack of gum and three 12-packs of diet soda for the week.  Because I still have plenty left from the week before.

And it hit me:  I was not just an emotional eater.  I was an emotional drinker and chewer, too.  I was using diet soda and sugar free gum as tools to get me through those non-eating hours.  I wanted to constantly be eating.  But because that caused weight gain, I was contantly chewing gum or drinking diet soda between meals and snacks.

I also think that this was leftover EDNOS behavior.  Back in my severe ED days (about 8 years ago), I was all about the diet soda and sugar free gum.  Even though I "recovered" (I put that word in quotes because my food obsession didn't actually end until recently), I kept the diet soda and sugar free gum addictions as a safety net.

Why I drank diet soda before:
(1) to fill me up between meals
(2) to enjoy as a beverage between with my food
(3) to wake up!

Why I drink diet soda now:
(1) to enjoy as a beverage with my food
(2) to wake up...

Why I chewed sugar free gum before:
(1) to keep my mouth busy between meals

Why I chew sugar free gum now:
(1) when my mouth tastes bad and I suspect bad breath.

I'm not planning to give either up.  I enjoy my diet sodas and gum a lot.  And now that I'm consuming them in moderation (hey - four cans a day is low for some of us!)  I see no reason to be concerned about it.  If I naturally continue to consume less and less of each over time until they are just occassional treats or I just no longer want them, then fine.  Otherwise, they are in my life to stay.  :-)



Mom with her token Diet Coke in hand

Plus, Mom was a Diet Coke fan and I will always think of her when I drink that specific diet soda. 

What are your thoughts on diet soda and sugar free gum?  Do you consume them more than you would like; are you anti- or pro-?  Let me know!  :-)

a little perspective...

July 2011 - 146 pounds

I actually stumbled across this on Google images, while researching cellulite, LOL.

I forgot that how tiny I got a couple of years ago. I remember only kind of liking this picture back then. How crazy is my perception of myself?

This picture first made me a little sad, because I am currently 43 pounds heavier than I was in it.

But here's the thing: I am learning to love my body as it is NOW. How I ate back then was clearly not sustainable for me. I'm working towards self-acceptance, furthering my recovery from EDNOS by letting go of the ideas of perfection, nurturing myself by cooking and exercising most days, and really learning to enjoy both.

I'm happier with my body TODAY than I was 43 pounds lighter. Because I appreciate it more. I love it more.




March 2013 - 189 pounds

And oh yeah, I've learned that life is short. I have spent way too many days crying about FAT. I'm no longer willing to waste my precious time feeling terrible about things that I have no control over. (Yes, you may say that I DO have control over my body size, and you are mostly right, but I cannot change it IMMEDIATELY.) All I have control over today are my choices.

And I choose to eat (mostly) healthy food, to exercise (almost) daily, and to love myself and my body unconditionally. Join me, won't you?

JUNK FOOD (the chip clip people)

I will start this post by admitting (once again) that I am eating junk food every day. 

But for me, this is actually a victory.

Let me explain.

For years, ever since age 11 or so, I have had an unhealthy relationship with food.  I've considered myself addicted to some foods, and to be an emotional eater, a closet eater, an anorexic, a binge-eater, and a chronic dieter, to name a few...

I would always be amazed when I went into someone's house and saw a bag of chips with a CHIP CLIP on it, as if the idea of not eating the entire bag in one sitting was impossible for me.  I didn't know what these people who could keep junk food in the house without obsessing about it.

Some examples of my obsessive thoughts about junk food in my house:

"When will I be alone so that I can eat it?" 

"Why was I so stupid to buy this junk food?"

"WTF is wrong with me?"

"It's okay, I can eat them later..." 

"When can I eat the whole thing???" 

"Why did I eat the whole thing???"

"DON'T eat it.  Just keep it as a reminder of the fat pig that you used to be."

"Why am I torturing myself?"

"Just eat it, then start over tomorrow!"

"And never buy these again." 

"Bad girl for buying these!"

"Good girl for not eating these yet!"

"Bad girl for eating all of these!"

"Good girl for only eating a couple!"

"Bad girl for buying them in the first place.  Seriously, NEVER AGAIN."

"If they weren't here, I wouldn't have eaten them.  STUPID."

And on and on and on.

Whenever I tried Intuitive Eating, I would end up eating mostly junk food.  This was probably because I was still looking at IE as a diet, and I knew that some day it would be over, and that I wouldn't be allowed to eat chips and cookies every day anymore.  Because no one can eat those daily and  be healthy, right?!

Now that I have truly let go of emotional eating, and am allowing myself to truly eat whatever I want without restriction (besides staying within a very generous calorie range and trying to listen to my hunger signals), I am able to enjoy a moderate amount of junk food every day.

I'm finally one of the chip clip people.  I have a box of cookies in the pantry, and a couple of bags of chips.  I enjoy some every evening that I want to, and that has been most evenings these days.  They fit effortlessly into my daily calories, and I am able to stop after a serving or two EVERY TIME.

No longer do I experience true cravings for junk food.  There is no need to crave it, because I can have it today, and again tomorrow, and again the day after that, indefintely. 

That part of Intuitive Eating that I was missing, the part about unconditional permission to eat...  I'm finally there.  And I'm enjoying copious amounts of healthy meals, alongside some junk food every day (see yesterday's Tasty Tuesday).  And I'm 100% okay with this.

Forbidden fruit?  Not any more!  Goodbye, chip fantasies.

One side effect of this is that it's no longer exciting to go down the chips aisle at the grocery store, because I'm no longer thinking "this may be the last time that I will buy this, because I may decide to do a no-junk-food-challenge again soon".  Having chips always available to me has really taken away some of their allure.  Which is  HUGE victory for me.

I think that eventually, if I continue along this path, I will no longer want junk food every day.  But for now, I do.  And that's okay.  My food diary is a judgement-free zone.

Tasty Tuesday!

the "no more emotional eating"/ MFP / 

listening to my body edition.  

my preferred intern breakfast:  unfrosted poptarts and diet soda

Leftovers for lunch! (recipe for this dish coming soon!)
Not pictured:  Fage 0% peach yogurt and some carrot sticks

Dinner: mango salsa over broccoli, cauliflower, and a
black bean chipotle gardenburger.  Delish.

me after an elliptical workout at the Y

 

late night snack #1: Keebler cinnamon roll cookies!

late night snack #2: Baked Ruffles.

Stats

Total calories consumed: 1793

Total calories burned: 506

Net calories for the day: 1287

This day is pretty typical for me these days, except sometimes my evening snack is bigger and I don't eat a "proper" dinner.  This is just me, listening to both my hunger signals and my mind, and tracking it all on My Fitness Pal.  I wanted to get this post out of the way because it is in fact Tuesday, so tomorrow will be the post about junk food.  (Though based on this post, you can probably guess how I feel about it).

Coming soon:  A post about junk food, a recipe post (for today's lunch), and possibly another book giveaway...  ;-)

"Emotional Eating" - I'm done with it.

It feels amazing to say the following words:

I'm done with

emotional eating.

Seriously, I am done with it.

I finally got sick and tired of tying food with my emotions.

So I quit cold turkey.

Actually, it wasn't as easy to quit as I'm probably making it sound.

It took YEARS.  Almost decades, really...about 18 years.  That right, a child has been born, grown up, and can now vote and get charged as an adult for crimes in the time that it took me to overcome this issue. I have been eating for emotional reasons since puberty. 

So believe me, this is no small feat.

How did I get over it?

Unfortunately, I'm not entirely sure.  That's why I hesitated to blog about it, because I know that many are looking for a cure to this problem, and I don't think that I can provide that for you.  :-(

The only tip that I can muster is to "act as if".  By that, I mean to act as if you no longer eat for emotional reasons, even if you do...  Like, when you realize that you are eating for emotional reasons, say OUT LOUD "Nope.  I don't do this shit anymore" (or something nicer, whatever works for you, but I think that cursing emotional eating is A-Okay).

I don't think that I can adequately explain to you how awesome it feels to say goodbye to something that has controlled way too big a piece of my life.

It's amazing.

I'm not eating perfectly or anything (far from it right now) but I know for a fact that none of the foods that I have consumed the last couple of weeks have been because of emotions.

That being said, I do still have some issues with overeating.

But because I no longer emotionally eat, that has gotten so much better too. 

I did really think that if I stopped my emotional eating that I could stop my overeating, too.  I hate that that hasn't happened yet.  But I'm getting closer.

The differences between emotional overeating and regular overeating?

Once I realize that I'm not hungry anymore,  I have no problem stopping.  There is no more "woe is me, I ate half the bag of chips, I'm pathetic, life sucks, may as well eat the other half plus a hole pizza and some cake" self-talk.  I simply recognize that I overate, and am able to put the fork (or whatever) down immediately. 

The only reasons that I'm still overeating sometimes is when either I waited too long to eat and am therefore extremely hungry, or something tastes REALLY good and I don't want eat slowly enough to be able to listen to my hunger signals, or when I eat while distracted. 

Again though, once I realize that I'm overeating, I can easily stop.  That is a HUGE improvement for me.

I think that one of the reasons that I'm overeating is that in my quest to stop obsessing about food, calories, and exercise, I have developed a pretty substantial junk food habit.

On one hand, I'm thrilled that I am eating my favorite snack foods almost daily, and am doing so in a non-emotional, non-ED, non-judgey, non-bingey way.  On the other hand, I know that my favorite junky snack foods are not healthy and/or filling options.  It's very easy to overeat on chips or oreos, even if I'm not eating them for emotional reasons.

Instead of focusing on removing those foods out of my diet (NOT gonna happen right now, I've worked way too hard to be able to enjoy these in a non-ED way to start making rules about what I can or cannot eat), I think that I am going to focus on ADDING healthy foods to each meal and snack.

And continue my quest towards listening to my hunger signals.

But for now, I am rejoicing in the fact that my emotions no longer control my eating.  One less thing to worry about.  :-)

I honestly think that Mom has helped with this from the Afterlife, looking down on me and giving me that extra boost to get rid of this problem after all of these years.  Thanks, Mom, for helping me out.

P.S.  Sorry for the long, picture-less post.  Posting from work!  Will add photos later.

I'm a rebel.

There is something that I really want to share with you guys, and yet part of me is really reluctant to do so. 

And the crazy part is, it's something good.

Crazier still is that it's relevant to this blog.

There's a reason that I'm reluctant to tell you guys.  The reason is that I'm scared of my own rebellion.

I'm a rebel against my own success.

Here's the dirt:  I'm doing really well with my eating and exercise.  I feel GREAT about those things right now.  I feel 100% in control, and that I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.  On top of that, I'm seeing results!!!

My pants got bigger!

Why was that so hard for me?!

Here's why:  Every time I blog about how well I'm doing, I end up almost immediately doing terribly.

I don't know exactly why that is, but it's something that needs to stop.

Because I shouldn't only blog about food and eating when I'm doing terribly with those things.  I shouldn't only blog about food and eating when I'm trapped in some absurd diet and/or EDNOS mentality.  I shouldn't only blog about food and eating when I'm feeling like crap about it all.

I need to blog when things are good.  And blogging about the good times needs to be a positive experience instead of something for me to rebel against.

For whatever reason, when I tell the world how well I'm doing, I rebel against that.  Like now that you all know that things are groovy, I might as well let myself go a bit.  Does that make any sense?  Are any of you rebels like me?

Anyway, I'm just here to tell you that as far as diet and exercise go, I'm doing REALLY well right now.

And I feel like I may have finally (GULP) let go of my disordered eating thoughts.

I should probably repeat that last part:  I may have let go of my disordered eating thoughts!!!

I'm not saying that they are gone for good (fingers crossed, though) but I'm saying that right now, those thoughts are dead.

Yes, I'm tracking my calories on My Fitness Pal.  No, I'm not cooking every day, or eating healthy every meal, or binge-eating every night.

I'm not obsessing about the calories, or the quality of my food.  I'm tracking just because it feel like the right thing to do right now.

Stopping to smell the roses...

It's just like my exercise.  I'm not doing it just to burn calories anymore, and that is why I'm enjoying it more. Maybe because I'm tracking my calories in a non-obsessive way, I'm enjoying it more.

I'm not anyone's judge, not even my own.

My food intake doesn't define me.  

I can eat 2300 calories one day and 1300 the next, and feel equally satisfied with my choices both days.  And I'm fine with that.

I have a bag of Baked Cheetos in my cabinet, and a bag of Hershey's Bliss dark chocolate hearts in my freezer, and I don't even care.  I can eat them when I want to.  Or not.

Food is NOT constantly on my mind.  Neither is exercise.  

I'm eating WHATEVER I want, including ridiculously healthy meals and some meals that most would consider to be just giant snacks.

I'm exercising 5 days a week(-ish), three of those being run days, and I'm loving how strong my legs and lungs are getting.

most recent run!

I'm tracking it all on My Fitness Pal in a non-judgmental way.

And I'm getting stronger.  And smaller.  And happier.

Wow...

a runner's body

Have you ever seen someone running along the street or at a nearby treadmill and thought to yourself "Some day I will have a runner's body like that!"?

I know that I have.

I think that most people have an idea of what a runner's body should look like, and many of us strive for that ideal when we begin to run or to think about running.

I know that I had those thoughts quite often in the past.  They motivated me to want to run.  I was more about getting that long, lean, look than I was about being a runner.

But I had an epiphany recently, while I was running.

Here's what I realized:  Right now, at this very moment, I HAVE A RUNNER'S BODY.

You wanna know how I know that?  Because I am a runner.

There is no reason to strive for some "ideal" that is likely unrealistic for most people, especially for those of us who cannot devote every day to running and who are genetically destined to be pears or apples.  Instead, we need to all focus on getting healthy, embracing ourselves as we are, and embracing our bodies as they are (and remember all the while that the size of our bodies does not dictate beauty, either outward OR inner beauty).

I'm not there yet, but I'm working hard towards it!  Today I ran 1.25 mile straight, 2.5 miles total.  By the end of March, I will be able to run 3.1 miles straight (a 5K).  By October 6, 13.1 miles hopefully...  So there is no doubt in my mind that I am now a runner.

And if you run, you are a runner, and you have a runner's body.  So enjoy it!!!

a runner's body