Monday, July 30, 2012

One thing at a time, Self.

I had several breakdowns related to Mom over the weekend. Like sobbing uncontrollably breakdowns. I think that I really needed to get that out, and had been holding the sadness inside. Thankfully Stacey was there for me during these breakdowns. Most of the time when I bawl my eyes out over Mom, I'm alone, because I feel weird doing it in front of others. It's important that I let my loved ones comfort me.

Two of my favorite loved ones:  Stacey and Joel

I am still working on getting there with my family members... I struggle being weak in front of them, don't know why.

Anyway, after those cleansing tears, I felt better. Especially about my weight loss journey.

I had so many thoughts on Saturday, between sobs, that I should just give up on this weight loss stuff. At least postpone it until the worst of my grief is over.

But I had a moment of clarity: Mom would not want me to put my health on hold. She especially would hate it if SHE was the reason that I gained all the weight back. She knew how important this was to me, and was my biggest cheerleader for everything, weight loss included. (Though she also would start saying "You look too thin!" when I get down to about 175 pounds, which is still 20 pounds overweight, LOL)

"Leah, are you getting TOO THIN????" - Mom

So instead of giving up, I'm going to be kind to myself and take this stuff in baby steps.

I was getting angry with myself for not cooking enough, for not exercising enough, for eating too much processed stuff, and for not eating enough of the healthy stuff in general.

One thing at a time, Self.

This week, my focus will be to track everything on Weight Watchers and to not go into the hole. Stacey's birthday is on Wednesday, and there will be eating out and drinking going on, so I need to save some points for that. And I will.

If I'm still eating processed stuff, not cooking much, not exercising as much as I did before, and not eating tons of fresh produce... that's okay for now. This is not an all-or-nothing journey.

I will get back to where I was a year ago, Weight Watchers-wise. It will take some time. It will take some therapy. And it will take me being gentle with myself.

where I was a year ago... (144 pounds in late May 2011)

But I'm feeling pretty optimistic about the future of my weight loss and health, for the first time in a long while. So I thought that I would share.

I'm still writing that new challenge that I spoke of last post!  It is in fact a "calendar goal" but it's a pretty realistic one, and I promise to not be too hard on myself while I reach it.


Rae said...

I know that feeling of wanting to hide your sadness from the world. I hate when people see me upset or crying also. Great prospective about your mom and I am glad you are letting your feelings out. I think you are heading the right direction. Still keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers at this time.

LabelSnob said...

I think the key statement in this post is "This is not an all-or-nothing journey". You know it is a day by day struggle and you have to take it one meal/snack at a time! I try to remind myself of that every day!
I'm sorry for all your sadness but glad you are letting yourself feel it and not just keeping it all inside. I'm sure it must be hard to let others know how you feel at times but let them be there for you and give you the support you need!
Take care!

Megan said...

Leah, you have the right attitude. Take each day one at a time, focus on what you can do, and focus on one thing at a time. It's a learning process.

Katy said...

Leah! I LOVE the picture of you in the purple shirt and black skirt. That outfit is PERFECT for your figure. You look so great!