One thing at a time, Self.

I had several breakdowns related to Mom over the weekend. Like sobbing uncontrollably breakdowns. I think that I really needed to get that out, and had been holding the sadness inside. Thankfully Stacey was there for me during these breakdowns. Most of the time when I bawl my eyes out over Mom, I'm alone, because I feel weird doing it in front of others. It's important that I let my loved ones comfort me.

Two of my favorite loved ones:  Stacey and Joel

I am still working on getting there with my family members... I struggle being weak in front of them, don't know why.

Anyway, after those cleansing tears, I felt better. Especially about my weight loss journey.

I had so many thoughts on Saturday, between sobs, that I should just give up on this weight loss stuff. At least postpone it until the worst of my grief is over.

But I had a moment of clarity: Mom would not want me to put my health on hold. She especially would hate it if SHE was the reason that I gained all the weight back. She knew how important this was to me, and was my biggest cheerleader for everything, weight loss included. (Though she also would start saying "You look too thin!" when I get down to about 175 pounds, which is still 20 pounds overweight, LOL)

"Leah, are you getting TOO THIN????" - Mom

So instead of giving up, I'm going to be kind to myself and take this stuff in baby steps.

I was getting angry with myself for not cooking enough, for not exercising enough, for eating too much processed stuff, and for not eating enough of the healthy stuff in general.

One thing at a time, Self.

This week, my focus will be to track everything on Weight Watchers and to not go into the hole. Stacey's birthday is on Wednesday, and there will be eating out and drinking going on, so I need to save some points for that. And I will.

If I'm still eating processed stuff, not cooking much, not exercising as much as I did before, and not eating tons of fresh produce... that's okay for now. This is not an all-or-nothing journey.

I will get back to where I was a year ago, Weight Watchers-wise. It will take some time. It will take some therapy. And it will take me being gentle with myself.

where I was a year ago... (144 pounds in late May 2011)

But I'm feeling pretty optimistic about the future of my weight loss and health, for the first time in a long while. So I thought that I would share.

I'm still writing that new challenge that I spoke of last post!  It is in fact a "calendar goal" but it's a pretty realistic one, and I promise to not be too hard on myself while I reach it.