Thursday, December 20, 2012

2012 recap...

Okay, as most of you know, 2012 has been a whirlwind year for me, full of many changes, most of them terrible.  Okay, all of them terrible.  I cannot think of one positive thing to say about the year, honestly...  It seems like every good memory of 2012 that I have has an equal and opposite bad memory to correspond. 

Anyway...  I decided to look at my posts from the first few months of the year, to honestly see how I was doing with health (weight, exercise, etc.) before my life went ape shit. 

And here's what I found out:  Even before all of these terrible life events happened, my weight was slowly rising.  I had gained a bit back since my low in May 2011 of 144... about 20 pounds to be exact.  There was some fluctuation going on.

May 2011 - me at 144

I was back up to 165 by the time that I took my New York trip in May of 2012.

May 2012 - me at 165
I was still feeling pretty good about my size at that point.  I really didn't like to be overweight by BMI's standards, but felt like I pulled off the size 14s pretty well.  I look at this picture now and wish that I could  have stopped there instead of what came next...

What came next was that my Mom was hospitalized in May and died in June of this year.  What followed was that I quickly gained 40 pounds with a mixture of extreme emotional eating binges and a ton of sitting around all day. 

Since then, I've been wavering around the 200 pound mark.  I got up to 209, down to 197, and have stayed around there.  It's been 6 months now, and that's still where I'm at. 

September 2012 - me at 209.2

But I'm finally starting to turn my eating and exercising around.  The grief is still very much there, but I'm working on FEELING those feelings instead of stuffing them down with cookie dough, Ruffles, pizza, and toaster pastries.

It turns out that what I was doing to feel better (binge eating on junk food and moving as little as possible) are actually making me feel worse.  My mind tricked me into thinking that junk food and inactivity would help me to feel less depressed and pathetic, but the truth is that two of the best ways to naturally improve my mood are healthy eating and exercise.  What a vicious cycle depression eating has been.  Feel crappy, so eat crappy, then feel crappier, only to eat crappy again... 

So in summation, 2012 has SUCKED.  It has sucked personally, emotionally, and physically.  I've never been more ready for a new year than I am right now.  2012 can suck it.   2013 has to be a better year.

I will be back within a few days for a much more uplifting post about my healthy plans for 2013!!!


Anonymous said...

Look forward not behind. I am sorry to hear of you mothers passing. I had a rough year too but am looking to turn it all around for 2013,

Anonymous said...

I happened upon your blog a few days ago and am heartbroken over the devastation you have experienced this year. Your mum is with you, and wants what every mother wants for her children: for you to be happy, to succeed in your dreams, and to experience peace. Hope looks up - take comfort in her memory and take things one day at a time. Be kind to yourself honey ...

Chris said...

I dunno - I think you look pretty cute at 209 lbs - you're all in proportion and balanced.

However, I realize it's a very personal thing what your comfortable with. I wish you much success and happiness in the New Year.