So, tomorrow I start actual eating disorder treatement again, for the first time in a decade. I will be at The Renfrew Center, in what they call IOP (Intensive Outpatient) treatment.
I am taking about 4 hours off from work every week for at least 6 weeks in order to do this. This terrifies me, as I hate asking for favors from anyone, especially the folks who hired me after all of that job searching. I love where I work, and who I work for and with, and my job is the main reason that I think Nashville will stay my home for at least the next several years.
I have plenty of available time off to take, but it feels weird taking it in tiny chunks over two months instead of just taking a week off. Like this way is more inconvenient for my co-workers. And I hate being an inconvenience to anyone, except for assholes. It's fun begin inconvenient for assholes.
Anyway, I have the time off from work approved, and this treatment is very important to me. So I'm doing it.
IOP meets three evenings a week. It's a combination of group and individual therapy, mixed with nutrition therapy and I'm sure all sorts of things that I will discover as time goes on.
I am pretty sure that I will be the only binge eater there, and also pretty sure that I will be the only obese person there, but I'm trying to not care. I'm trying to realize that binge eating disorder is a real thing, and my being there is just as valid as an anorexic or a bulimic being there.
And maybe my story will inspire the others, rather than scare them. If I could help one young woman realize that if she doesn't focus hard on recovery now, she may be where I'm at in ten years, that would be great.
More than likely, everyone there will be too busy fighting their own battles to even care about my body size or story.
Anyway, I'm nervous about this.
It's a new beginning for me, so I'm also excited about it.
IOP will be a time of really focusing on my mental health, which is desperately needed at this point in my life. I look forward to the healing that will happen throughout this process.
I am going to commit to giving this my all, 100% of my effort.
Even when whatever they want me to do seems silly, or repetitive, or not for me. I will do it.
I am not expecting miraculous results, but I am hoping, that with my commitment and time, my eating disorder's voice will quiet some over the next couple of months, and my inner strength will become loud and bright.