Monday, March 2, 2015

Nerves.



So on Wednesday, I have my assessment at the Renfrew Center.

I am very nervous, and very scared, and every day I consider cancelling.  I still may.

The assessment is for my eating disorder. 

There are a few reasons that I am nervous about this.  Mostly, I am freaking out because I still want to think of myself as the kind of person who can self-treat.

Like, I should be able to take all of the lessons I learned a decade ago, and all of the ones that I have learned since then, and follow my own treatment plan without any outside help.  That's what I've been trying to do since I started this blog in 2009.

But that's just it:  I've been trying to get back on track with my recovery since 2009.  It hasn't worked.



The last time that I got to the point of taking steps towards getting outside help was when my health was so bad that all of the doctors wanted me to be inpatient.  I was stubborn and didn't think that I needed that level of help (wow, how I've changed!) so I ended in an intensive outpatient program.

Now I have a great job and I cannot just take weeks off from it for a day program, nor can I afford the evening program, so I am hoping that at the assessment they say that it's okay for me to just see their professionals one-on-one. 

That's another reason that I'm nervous.  What if I come off as so crazy and desperate for help that they say it's either the day or evening programs or nothing?  That would suck.

Another reason for my nerves:  They are requiring me to go get a bunch of medical testing done before treatment.  The exact same stuff that I had done in January for an annual physical.  Now I'm worried that my insurance will deny it, since I just had the exact same test done 6 weeks ago.

Mostly I'm nervous because I'm worried that I don't actually need outside help for this; that they will tell me that I just need to eat healthier and exercise, and that I don't have an eating disorder, I'm just obese.

Logically, I know that since this is an eating disorder treatment center, they will not say those things to me.  But I still have that fear.

The last time I was in a place like this, I was on the other end of the spectrum:  skinny from under eating.  I still had many of these exact same fears though, including that I would be considered too fat for the program. 





 
So, in summation, I will probably keep this appointment, despite all of the reasons that I think I shouldn't.  Because I think the one reason that I should go, my health, outweighs the reason that I shouldn't.



xoxoxo

4 comments:

Darcy Winters said...

It takes great courage to admit you need help. Don't talk yourself out of it! Remember, one step at a time!

Amie@RunningOnHealthy.com said...

You should definitely go! At the very least they can offer you an objective opinion of where you are at, which is always helpful. Thinking of you!

Angel Blue said...

You are doing the best thing for you, good luck.

Jennifer Burns said...

Thank you for this. I think I am the woman who can self-treat to and obviously it's working so well...as in I still binge. I don't have an awesome eating disorder treatment center in my area, but I might look into seeing a therapist.