So on Wednesday, I have my assessment at the Renfrew Center.
I am very nervous, and very scared, and every day I consider cancelling. I still may.
The assessment is for my eating disorder.
There are a few reasons that I am nervous about this. Mostly, I am freaking out because I still want to think of myself as the kind of person who can self-treat.
Like, I should be able to take all of the lessons I learned a decade ago, and all of the ones that I have learned since then, and follow my own treatment plan without any outside help. That's what I've been trying to do since I started this blog in 2009.
But that's just it: I've been trying to get back on track with my recovery since 2009. It hasn't worked.
The last time that I got to the point of taking steps towards getting outside help was when my health was so bad that all of the doctors wanted me to be inpatient. I was stubborn and didn't think that I needed that level of help (wow, how I've changed!) so I ended in an intensive outpatient program.
Now I have a great job and I cannot just take weeks off from it for a day program, nor can I afford the evening program, so I am hoping that at the assessment they say that it's okay for me to just see their professionals one-on-one.
That's another reason that I'm nervous. What if I come off as so crazy and desperate for help that they say it's either the day or evening programs or nothing? That would suck.
Another reason for my nerves: They are requiring me to go get a bunch of medical testing done before treatment. The exact same stuff that I had done in January for an annual physical. Now I'm worried that my insurance will deny it, since I just had the exact same test done 6 weeks ago.
Mostly I'm nervous because I'm worried that I don't actually need outside help for this; that they will tell me that I just need to eat healthier and exercise, and that I don't have an eating disorder, I'm just obese.
Logically, I know that since this is an eating disorder treatment center, they will not say those things to me. But I still have that fear.
The last time I was in a place like this, I was on the other end of the spectrum: skinny from under eating. I still had many of these exact same fears though, including that I would be considered too fat for the program.