the embarassing existence of the yo-yo

I am a yo-yo.

I would call myself a yo-yo dieter, but that's not true.  I am a yo-yo disordered eating sufferer. 

And it's embarrassing as hell.

You know that moment when you run into someone who hasn't seen you for months, or years?  How embarrassed you are if it's an ex, or someone else who you would like to see you looking your best, but they caught up with you at Target with your hair up in a greasy bun, no makeup, and with like 10 extremely noticeable zits on your chin and nose, so of course they see you and want to catch up?

Imagine if instead of the hair, makeup and zits, you had gained 30, 50, 80, or even 100 pounds.

The hair, makeup, and acne can all be fixed or covered up, and you can give a cutesy "I can't believe you caught me like this!  I'm a mess!" excuse.

The fat?  The fat that society has drilled into almost everyone's head is a character flaw, a sign of laziness, sloppiness, stupidity, and lack of self-care?  The fat that everyone knows is not something that can be covered up, but that most folks think is easy to get rid of?  The fat that labels a person as weak and less worthy?

Yeah, the fat has no cute excuse. 

It's embarrassing to fluctuate so much.  I'm sick of it.  If a weirdo genie or fairy told me that they could magically make it so that I maintained my current size of 247 lb forever, or I could keep on trying to lose weight, I would choose to maintain my current size.

I hate being a yo-yo.  My weight fluctuates at least 50 pounds every year, since I was 17 (I'm now 30) and it needs to stop.

But not now, unless that genie or fairy appears, I will be a yo-yo at least one more time.  I need to get over this binge eating disorder and make sure that it doesn't morph back into anorexia or bulimia (this is why I have an official diagnosis of EDNOS, I tend to go back and forth between all of the EDs).  And then wherever my weight ends up, once I'm truly past the ED behaviors, that's where I will stay forever, even if it's still over 200 pounds. 

My metabolism is FUCKED from all of the years of self-torture, so I doubt that I can get to and easily maintain a skinny size, and that's okay.  I just want the ED thoughts to be gone, and for my weight to stabilize.  Is that too much to ask?

 I can't wait to start seeing my new ED therapist tomorrow!

xoxo