Starting over tomorrow...

Confession:  This entire week, I have been telling myself that I will start over tomorrow with better eating and getting to the gym.  I just told myself that again a few minutes ago.

Why am I still engaging in this extremely diet-y behavior?  I guess out of habit.  I keep eating "bad" food, like pizza, chips, and chocolate candy.  I keep on skipping the gym.  And because I don't feel guilty about those behaviors, it's hard to motivate myself to stop doing them.

This is definitely new territory for me, knowing that I am trying to be completely done with dieting and food/exercise guilt.  I think that my inner "diet rebel" is emerging, trying to test me.

It's hard to find a balance, and hard to find motivation to do healthy things without the guilt as motivation.

This is a journey, as lame as that may sound to some, I truly believe in the word "journey" for many situations.  Recovery is a looooooooooooooong journey.

As ready as I am to be "normal" around food, as ready as I am to be an intuitive eater, as ready as I am to be at peace with my body...  I'm not there yet.  And that's okay.

I need to be kind to myself as I figure out what is next for me.

I need to figure out how to get the motivation for healthy habits back WITHOUT guilt.

No More Guilt

Guilt can be a good thing.  When one does something bad, then guilt is what makes one realize the error of his or her ways, and also what usually prompts them to apologize and make things right.

It's an important emotion for kids.  When this happens so many times, a child will realize that guilt sucks, and that the best way to avoid guilt is to always try your best to do the right thing.  Guilt can help make people do the right thing;  it can be a powerful motivator towards goodness.

Mom was the queen of guilt.  (She was great at reminding me about how guilty I would feel if I didn't go visit my grandparents, for example.)  I used to resent Mom's guilt tactics.  Now I'm thankful for them, because I often choose to be selfless because of her instilling that behavior in me when I was young.  

Two things that Mom never guilted me or my brother about:  Food or exercise.

She never once told us that we would really regret eating that cookie, or really regret not getting on the bike for an hour.

Nope.  Not once.

You know what gave me the stupid idea that I should feel guilty about how much I eat and exercise?  The dieting industry.  And whose advice would I rather take, Mom's or the dieting industry?  I'm going to go with Mom.

So for my first step in getting over my diet addiction, I am going to work to end the guilt.  No more guilt about eating or exercising.

I have no food rules right now.  I am not focusing on anything other than "no guilt".  I am trying to not overeat, and also trying to eat  healthy foods every day, but those are not my primary focus right now.  On the occasions that I overeat, or eat junk food, or on the days that I skip the gym and heath food completely, I am trying to not feel any guilt.

It may seem stupid to give up the guilt, because I'm quite overweight right now.  If I don't have guilt urging me to put down the donut, won't I eat all 12?  If I don't have guilt urging me to go to the gym, won't I stop exercising for weeks at a time?  If I don't have guilt telling me to track every single calorie I eat and exercise, won't I gain even more weight, and won't I definitely never lose weight again?  

Honest, I don't know.  It scares me to give up the guilt, because I can't remember how it felt to live in a world without food and exercise guilt.  I know that I didn't have this guilt until age 11.  I'm trying to listen to my inner child.  And also, asking myself this question: 

Where has guilt over food and exercise gotten me?  

It has brought me to where I am today in regards to food, exercise, and my body.  It has made me unrecognizable in pictures every 6-12 months, constantly ballooning up and shrinking down.  It gave me an eating disorder (or three...).  It made me hate my body.  It made me think that there is nothing more important in this world than getting smaller.  It made me crazy...  and that ain't right.

I'm ready to move beyond the guilt and to learn to truly trust myself to make my own decisions about food and exercise, based on anything other than guilt.  Maybe deciding to eat oatmeal for breakfast because I like it, and because it makes me feel good.  Maybe deciding to go to the gym because I like the way running makes me feel.  Maybe deciding to eat a bag of chips because they taste good.  Or an ice cream cone because it is so freaking hot outside.  Or broccoli because I am hungry and it's about to go bad.

How does guilt affect your eating and exercise?

A picture is worth a thousand words, and a number is worth NOTHING.

wearing a mask to protect my lungs
from the color bombs!

So a couple of things happened today.  They related to each other AND to the message of my blog, so I just had to share.

The first is that the official pictures for the 5K that I ran on Saturday came out.

The second is that I allowed a nurse to weigh me at a doctor's appointment.  Usually I refuse to be weighed. But today I decided that I would not let the number bother me.

When I saw the above picture of myself, I didn't see an overweight/obese woman.  My eyes didn't automatically go to all of my flaws.  All I saw was a strong woman.  I saw my muscular thighs.  I saw my running stance.  I saw a woman who was running, working hard to get to that finish line.  I saw real beauty and strength in this picture.

When I saw the number on the scale today (218), it didn't bother me.  I refused to be defined by that number.  I was startled, because I don't think that my body looks like it did the last time I weighed this amount.  Maybe it's the running.  Maybe it's my attitude.  It's probably both.

So what if I'm ridiculously close to my original "start weight" of 220.  When I look at this picture, I don't see that.  And when I run, I don't feel that.  I don't feel jiggly fat, I feel muscles.  I don't feel fat, I feel strong.

There are still parts of my body that I wish I could magically change, including my hips, my upper arms, and my ass.  But I cannot change these things overnight.  They will change as my training gets more intense and my eating gets healthier.  Or they won't.

I'm trying to accept my body exactly as it is today.  Which is back over the 200 pound mark, and a size 18.

I told Stacey about the high number on the scale, and he asked me if it was going to motivate me to eat healthier and exercise more.  And the answer to this question for the very first time is "NO!".  I refuse to be motivated by something like my gravitational pull.  I will continue to use the same motivational tools that I was using before knowing my weight:  a half marathon in October, health/longevity, and Mom.

This is an important step in my EDNOS recovery process.

My recovery plan, 8 years later...

I entered treatment for EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) eight years ago.  Doctors, therapists, and nutritionists saved my life, along with my super supportive mom and brother.  Yes, I was released from treatment.  But I honestly feel like I have never fully recovered from this disorder.

I have gone through many phases in this disorder, and the latest is diet addiction.  For the past several years (since beginning this blog),  I have gone from one diet to another, and lost and gained over 150 pounds.

I realize that I have a problem.  I also realize that the biggest scares are behind me, as far as disordered eating goes.  The remnants of EDNOS that I still have are nowhere as severe as the anorexic behavior that I suffered from years ago.  I was diagnosed as EDNOS because I was a "normal" weighted anorexic.

I'm just sick of still having an obsession with food and exercise.  I believe that my obsession with dieting is leftover behavior from my EDNOS days.  And I know that I can recover fully this time.  I'm done with dieting for good.

I'm back in "recovery mode", which is where I was several years ago when I realized that I had a problem with food 8 years ago.  The differences this time are that (1) My life is not in danger, and (2) I am going at it alone, with no professional help.

But I feel like I have learned so much in the last 8 years, from the professionals who have helped me, books that I have read, experiences and experiments of my own, and from friends and supporters like those of you reading and commenting on my blog and Facebook page.  From this knowledge, I am going to be writing my own recovery plan this time around.

I will try to blog at least weekly with how I'm doing in my recovery, including any steps I've made.

The first step that I'm making is to stop feeling guilty.  No more guilt about food or exercise.  I will write more about this step soon.  I don't know what the next step will be yet!

Color Me Rad 5K

BEFORE...

I had such a rad time at the Color Me Rad 5K.  

First of all, I had a great team!  Three cousin friends and two new friends (friends of cousins who are now my friends!) all ran with me.  We were "Team Mopey Zoo Lion".

Here's the entire team before the race:

Team Mopey Zoo Lion:
Me, Debbie, Danny, Jeff, Mollie, and Ty in the front

The race was full of all sorts of people!  Different ages, different sizes, different colors (hahahahaha), and different levels of fitness.  I really enjoyed that part.

I had planned to try to run the whole thing, but my training has really fallen behind.  I ended up doing a mixture of running and walking.  Most people in this race were walkers, so I never felt out of place during my walk breaks.  Jeff and Mollie were the only two in our group who ran the entire time, and I came in third place for Team Mopey Zoo Lion, which I was pretty proud of.

We had a great time.

Here is the team after the race:

I had a bit of a color mustache, as well as colors everywhere.  I remember looking down at my neon orange cleavage halfway through the race and thinking that this was a much healthier reason for that than Cheetos.

I had such a fun time, and it has definitely inspired me to keep on running.

I need to get back to the treadmill, and back on track for my half marathon training.  This 5K was rough on me.  My body ached all over yesterday because I hadn't trained correctly.  I cannot imagine adding 10 miles to this distance.

But it will get done!  I still have the goal of running a half marathon in October.

I love having running goals.

One of the things that I'm focusing on in order to get past my EDNOS is to stop counting calories.

I plan to use my appetite as a guide for how much to eat, and my training as a guide for how much to exercise.  

This was a great experience, and I'm so glad that I made it!  It's always fun to see my cousins.

New look!

As you can tell, I have changed the NAME and the LOOK of my blog!

I hope that you guys like it.  

As I've stated before on here, my journey has changed so much over the years, and I really have felt demotivated to blog on here lately, with a picture of myself at my low Weight Watchers weight and the title being about Weight Watchers.

Lately, my journey has been all about recovery.  Yes, I tried "one last diet" by attempting the New Sonoma Diet, and with that, I realized that I had truly reached diet rock bottom.  I'm ready to fully recover from disordered eating, which for me began with dieting at age 11.

It didn't really affect my weight until my senior year of high school.  These two pictures are Mom and me in 2001 after a choir concert, and Mom and me a year later at my dad's retirement.  What changed between these two pictures?  I developed a very unhealthy relationship with food.  

Ever since 2001, pictures of me taken every six months are unrecognizable.  My weight has ballooned up and shrunk down dramatically every few months due to my having such a terrible relationship with food.

In 2004, I went into treatment for EDNOS when my body had finally had enough.  I was about to die due to having starved myself for over a year at that point.  I "recovered" and was sent back out into the world, since my weight had stabilized and my therapists thought that I could make due without them.

It's nine  years later, and I am still caught in the depths of EDNOS, bouncing from one diet to another, one exercise program to another, and going from healthy to unhealthy.

I'm ready for it to STOP.  I am ready for health and happiness.  I'm ready to stop caring so much about my appearance.  I'm ready to end this yo-yo.  Most of all, I'm ready to not worry about food all of the time. I'm ready for stability.

The blog has changed over the years, and it is now going to be for recovery from EDNOS and Health At Every Size.

A blog about how my Color Me Rad 5K went is coming soon... (hint:  It was awesome.)

I hope that you all enjoy the changes.

Wave 1 - Day 6

Breakfast was the usual:  1 cup oats with 1 cup almond milk.

Snack: cottage cheese with blackberries and some green tea

Lunch out: Ghengis Grill bowl
in the mix: fish, beans, brown rice, lots of veggies

Dinner: 1 slice 100% whole wheat bread, cherry tomatoes,
no sugar added applesauce

I went shopping!!!  Yay for a bigger variety.

Today was so much better than any previous day on this diet. I think that I'm finally nearing the end of the major physical withdrawals that came from quitting my beloved junk food cold turkey.  I finally feel the rewards of healthy eating, and am seeing how I could keep this up for a long time.

I'm still looking forward to wave 2, when I get to drink wine every day and have chocolate a few times a week.  :-)

Wave 1 - Day 5

breakfast: oatmeal with almond milk (more porridgey than usual)

snack: peanut butter with apple!

lunch: 50% veggies, 30% tilapia, 20% whole grains (barley)
with some evoo and vinegar

dinner: cooked veggies with vegetarian
refried beans

I felt like giving up again early in the day... but after my apple and PB snack, I felt so much better.  I think that I may be learning how to deal without junk food.

I am convinced now that what I'm dealing with is detoxing from a sugar addiction.  That's how crappy I feel a lot of the time.  But my friends and FB people advise me that the terrible cravings and physical shock will only last about a week, and after that I will feel better than ever.  So I'm going to hang in.

One thing that is new for me is that I am only eating when really hungry, because I am so sick of these foods that it's not fun to eat anymore.  This was the opposite intent of the diet, which is supposed to be all about learning to enjoy food more.

I think that because I have to stick to a budget, it is hard to have much variety through the week when my food list is so limited.  I can't buy a large variety of fruits and vegetables when I'm the only one eating them.  So I have to make do.

I'm looking forward to Wave 2, when I will be able to treat myself more often and have a bigger variety of fruits and vegetables to eat.

Wave 1 - Day 4

Breakfast: 1 cup oats, 1 cup almond milk

Lunch:  big salad 

snack: green beans

snack: apple

CHEAT snack: 2 cups popcorn with 1 tsp evoo

BACK ON TRACK dinner: tilapia and veggies

Today was tough.  It seems like every day is getting harder instead of easier.  Hence the cheating with the popcorn.  It was air-popped and 100% healthy, but not on the food list for wave 1, so it was cheating on a diet.  Luckily, I was able to stop after only a couple of handfuls and fix myself a  New Sonoma Diet dinner (minus the whole grains, because of the popcorn which I figure could count as my whole grain for the night despite it not being a wave 1 approved food).

So I'm going to stick to this diet for the rest of the 10 days of Wave 1 and then perhaps for another 20 days, but I'm not sure if I can do more than a month. 

I originally planned for 3 months, but... well, this may be too strict for me. I'm hoping to learn a few lessons from it (especially that I am capable of cooking several times a week and that health food makes me feel better that junk food does), and perhaps to get rid of the constant junk food cravings that I've had for months now.

Wave 1 - Day 2 - What I ate

1 cup oats, 1 cup unsweetened almond milk, 1/2 cup strawberries,
green tea!  I was full halfway through, so I saved the rest
for when I got hungry again...

I added 1/2 cup of cottage cheese to my breakfast
leftovers for a tasty snack!

Lunch was 2 vegan boca burgers with some ketchup
and a side of broccoli!  (Or was it a bunch of broccoli with
a side of boca burgers?) 1 tsp EVOO on the broccoli.

Dinner tilapia (cooked with EVOO and garlic) with a side of
veggies and barley.  In the mix of veggies: summer squash,
zucchini, bell peppers, red onion, and canned tomatoes.
Cooked with some cooking sherry and lime juice.
All seasoned with Italian seasoning.

Later I had a snack of celery and 1 tbs peanut butter.

I also enjoyed an orange!  And Diva and Jacques enjoyed
some begging.

I did pretty well today, but I was SO wanting snacks.  And not healthy ones.  I wanted chips and candy.  But I didn't have any of that, and I'm going to stick to this for 3 months like I said, so I settled for Sonoma-friendly snacks.  :-)

I'm off to get on my bike for an hour!  I don't think I mentioned this, but the NSD suggests 1 hour of exercise 5 days a week.  Nothing specific, just whatever I want to do.  And today, the bike fits into my schedule.

I hope that all of you are having great weeks so far, and that you are enjoying my food posts.

All about "Wave 1" of The New Sonoma Diet

So I started a new way of eating yesterday, straight from the book The New Sonoma Diet by Dr. Connie Guttersen.

I have eluded to how it works, and what it is, but I haven't really just outlined the plan on the blog yet.  That's what I'm hoping to do now!  Keep in mind that I am not suggesting that anyone else do this plan;  I am simply telling you what I'm doing.  If anyone wants more information, however, don't hesitate to ask me in the comments, on my FB page, or email me.  Not that I'm an expert on it yet.  I'm just someone who is reading the book.

Yep, I said "is reading" as in "I have not finished it yet".  I'm working on it, and this is a diet that one can start after only reading the first part.

The first thing to learn about The New Sonoma Diet (NSD from here on out!) is that it is divided into three parts, known as Wave 1, Wave 2, and Wave 3.

Wave 1 is the first 10 days, Wave 2 is the duration of the diet until one gets to one's desired weight, and Wave 3 is the way that one on the NSD should eat for the rest of their life.

Like other diets that are broken into parts like this, the first part is the strictest.

This diet is about food lists (lists of foods that are acceptable to eat on the plan) and plate filling guides.  As long as I stick to the foods on the lists and fill my plate according to the diagrams provided, I will lose weight without having to actually count calories (the calories are cut by simply following the other rules).

There are a few lists, and while on Wave 1, I am to stick to the list of Tier 1 vegetables (vegetables that are always unlimited;  I can snack on these whenever and stack my plates high with them at meals); tier 1 fruits (fruits are limited on Wave 1); lean proteins, healthy fats (3 servings daily of either specific counts of nuts, 1 tsp olive or canola oil, or 1/4 avocado); low fat dairy, and whole grains.

The plate filling guides for wave 1 are in this picture:

It says that for breakfast, there are 2 options (there is actually a 3rd option that is not pictured).  The first option is a 7-inch plate filled with 75% protein and 25% whole grains.  Option 2 is a 2-cup bowl of 50% whole grains and 50% dairy.  The third option is a 7-inch plate of 100% protein.

For lunch and dinner, one meal must be a 9-inch plate with 60% vegetables and 40% protein, and the other must be a 9-inch plate with 50% vegetables, 30% protein, and 20% whole grains.

Snacks are optional, but allowed.  There is a list of acceptable snacks, but I can also snack on tier one fruits and vegetables and healthy fats (remembering the daily limits on fruits and fats).  One option for a snack that I like is a half cup of low fat cottage cheese.

Here is my basic plan to get me through the next 9 days:  I will choose foods for each meal from below, which are all foods on the lists in the book that I like-

Breakfast (a 2 cup bowl of 50% whole grains and 50% milk, or a 7 inch plate of 75% protein and 25% whole grains)

•  oatmeal
• whole grain cereal
• milk (soy)
• eggs

Lunch (a 9 inch plate with 60% tier 1 vegetables, 40% protein)

• veggies- broccoli, salad stuff
• beans
• veggie burgers
• tuna
• spices and herbs

Dinner (a 9 inch plate with 50% tier 1 vegetables, 30% protein, and 20% whole grains)  

• veggies- salad stuff, frozen stuff, onion, zucchini, squash, peppers, asparagus, cabbage
• fish
• beans
• brown rice
• barley
• whole grain pasta
• spices and herbs

Snacks (whenever I am hungry between meals)

• 11 almonds
• low fat cottage cheese
• apples
• celery
• broccoli
• tomatoes

Drinks

• water!
• 1 can diet soda per day...
• tea 

Over all, it is a lot of food, and it is REAL food, which is healthier than what I had been eating.  I'm almost never actually hungry between meals, but I have a lot of "head hunger" because I am craving my junk food...

So far, I have had a few questions myself (and the answers that I improvised for me):
1) How many fruits are allowed daily for Wave 1? Up to two servings per day.
2) Is soy or almond milk okay? Yes.
3) How about ketchup? In reasonable amounts; use your head.

There are also rules about what to drink.  One of the purposes of this diet is to get away from artificial foods, including artificial sweeteners.  So preferably no more diet soda, but Dr. Guttersen says that if that is just not okay with me, I can have 1 can per day.  So that's what I'm doing.

There are no limits to caffeine, so long as they come from tea or coffee (unsweetened, of course).  I'm drinking lots of green tea.

So despite missing the taste of diet soda, I'm not caffeine-deprived.  Yay!

Okay, that's it for now...  I will be back late tonight with a food post for Day 2.

The New Sonoma Diet - Wave 1 - Day 1

1 cup oats, 1 cup light soy milk, freshly cut strawberries

1/2 cup low fat cottage cheese for a snack

I made iced tea for the first time!  I went with green tea,
since there is a "one diet soda max per day" rule with the
NSD, but no limit to caffeinated tea or coffee.  And
I'm a tea person, not so much with the coffee.

Lunch was really good.  My first salad in a long while.
Spinach, bell peppers, red cabbage, red onion,
kidney beans, and a packet of light tuna.
Dressing was 1 tsp EVOO, some lime juice,
balsalmic vinegar,and some Italian seasoning.

I sneaked some celery into the movies...

Dinner was tilapia, veggies (zucchini, summer squash,
red onion, red cabbage, bell peppers), and barley, all
seasoned with garlic, evoo, vinegar, and Italian seasoning

No exercise today.  Planning to eat 11 almonds and an apple later if I get hungry again, but I don't know if that will happen.  If you couldn't tell be the pictures, this was a LOT of REAL food.  I'm  pretty satisfied. 

I will go into the details of the rules of The New Sonoma Diet Wave 1 (the first ten days) more tomorrow.  

All in all, I am very proud of myself today, and I foresee a great future with this diet, with a few tweaks to be made after my three month trial is over...