|wearing a mask to protect my lungs|
from the color bombs!
So a couple of things happened today. They related to each other AND to the message of my blog, so I just had to share.
The first is that the official pictures for the 5K that I ran on Saturday came out.
The second is that I allowed a nurse to weigh me at a doctor's appointment. Usually I refuse to be weighed. But today I decided that I would not let the number bother me.
When I saw the above picture of myself, I didn't see an overweight/obese woman. My eyes didn't automatically go to all of my flaws. All I saw was a strong woman. I saw my muscular thighs. I saw my running stance. I saw a woman who was running, working hard to get to that finish line. I saw real beauty and strength in this picture.
When I saw the number on the scale today (218), it didn't bother me. I refused to be defined by that number. I was startled, because I don't think that my body looks like it did the last time I weighed this amount. Maybe it's the running. Maybe it's my attitude. It's probably both.
So what if I'm ridiculously close to my original "start weight" of 220. When I look at this picture, I don't see that. And when I run, I don't feel that. I don't feel jiggly fat, I feel muscles. I don't feel fat, I feel strong.
There are still parts of my body that I wish I could magically change, including my hips, my upper arms, and my ass. But I cannot change these things overnight. They will change as my training gets more intense and my eating gets healthier. Or they won't.
I'm trying to accept my body exactly as it is today. Which is back over the 200 pound mark, and a size 18.
I told Stacey about the high number on the scale, and he asked me if it was going to motivate me to eat healthier and exercise more. And the answer to this question for the very first time is "NO!". I refuse to be motivated by something like my gravitational pull. I will continue to use the same motivational tools that I was using before knowing my weight: a half marathon in October, health/longevity, and Mom.
This is an important step in my EDNOS recovery process.