I really hope not... but I'm starting to feel that need to be "in control" of my food intake again. I haven't felt this way in years, and it scares me.
I am thinking about food way too often. I think about how much I've eaten, how much I have left to eat for the day, when my next meal or snack will be, what my next meal or snack will be, whether or not I was "good" at my last meal or snack, whether or not I "deserve" a treat, etc.
These are not healthy thoughts!
I am starting to think that my eating disorder thinking is starting to creep back into my head, and THAT IS NOT OKAY WITH ME.
Repeat: Not okay.
The good thing is that I have recognized that it's happening, and right away. The bad thing is that I have no clue how to fix it.
I guess that I will just try to focus on the other things in my life, and to listen to my hunger signals and track my food with the Simply Filling Technique of Weight Watchers.
I am embarrased to come on here and admit to this, because I like to think of myself as a good example of someone who is fully recovered from disordered eating.
But I guess that there is a reason that they never gave me a completion certificate at the end of my recovery program in 2005: There may not be a completion date for this illness. In times of extreme stress, my brain's first response is this-
"Must have control! Must control something... I know, I can control my FOOD!!! Time to start restricting and being obsessive! That will solve my problem of feeling out of control, right?! RIGHT?!"
And that is WRONG. And I know that.
Since I've recognized the cause of this momentary relapse in healthy thinking is STRESS, perhaps I should start with that. Deal with whatever it is that is stressing me out. Practice relaxation techniques. Say my affirmations and do some meditation. Take a bubble bath. Yoga. Pray.
Also, I believe that I'm stressed because I feel as if I'm behind at both work and in school. If I focus on getting caught up, one task at a time, and on studying, on chapter at a time, then I should (in theory) begin to feel that stress melt away.
Thanks for reading. I will not be doing a Tasty Tuesday tonight, but those should resume next week.
P.S. I should mention that I have not acted on my thoughts to restrict, I am still eating a healthy amount of food (following WW guidelines) and exercising a healthy amount (30-60 minutes a day, most days) and will continue to do so. Just scared of the thoughts. And yes, I added this disclaimer mostly in case my family is reading this and terrified! Mom, don't call the hospital, I'm fine. :-)