Going back to my vegan roots...

I had a vegan epiphany recently.

I've been thinking a lot about how I'm going to get my body back to its happy weight.

One major change that I made when Mom died was that I stopped my vegan diet.  

This is not the reason for the weight gain in itself, but it hasn't helped.

The main culprit of my weight gain was binge eating.

Is it possible to binge eat as a vegan?

Sure. 

But am I binge eating vegan foods?

Nope.

My binge foods:

chips (usually the non-vegan Sour Cream and Onion variety), cheesy pizza, snack cakes, donuts, microwave buttery popcorn, milk chocolate candies, etc.

Are there vegan versions of these foods?  Sure there are.  But they are expensive, so I can't afford to buy them often, and I really can't afford to binge on them.

So I think that going vegan will help me with my binge eating disorder.

There are many other reasons that I am going back to vegan eating, but this is honestly my number one reason right now.

I'm not back to it yet, but I am working my way towards it.  I have started to make my dinners vegan again.  

My plan is to follow a good vegan food pyramid (like THIS ONE) starting on January 1 (because what blogger doesn't love a good New Years Resolution?).

I will blog about the food pyramid plan by the end of the year.  

I'm hoping that this will be a good way to lose weight while also feeling better about myself from the inside out.  

Since Mom died, my sense of self has pretty much gone out the window.  Everything changed about my life, and I became lost.  When Mom died, I was a vegan.  That's who she knew.  She loved me no matter what, but for me there is something special about taking this step towards becoming myself again (if that makes sense).

So... about these 100 pounds.

I really badly want to lose 100 pounds.

That sounds like a lot, but I weigh a lot.  I weigh 275 currently.

I'm 10 pounds over my "high weight" of 265 pounds, which is what I weighed around my college graduation.

I tried to recover from my eating disorder, and I think that I did okay.  However, the binges haven't stopped completely.  And my clothes have been getting tighter.

It's so hard to recover from an eating disorder, at any size.  Especially if your current size is unhealthy.

For many people going into recovery, weight gain is the primary focus at first, because they may be dangerously underweight.

For me though, I am dangerously OVERweight.  I still think that the science is trying to catch up in this area of ED recovery.  The "recovery meal plan" is not a weight loss plan, nor should it be.

But what should someone in my position, who wants to recover from her eating disorder and who also wants to lose 100 pounds?

Sigh.

I really don't know.

And I think it's one of the reasons that I stopped blogging.  I felt like a hypocrite.

I felt like if I started to blog about weight loss again, I would lose the support of those who come here to read about recovery and body acceptance.  But if I continued to blog about trying to accept rather than change my body, I would be lying.

So I stopped writing here altogether.

Well, that's just silly.

It's MY BLOG.  And it has changed so many times in the past, depending on what was going on in my life.  It changes, just like I change.

So if I want to blog about a weight loss journey again, I can.  And it's okay.

And if I change my mind again along the way, and want to focus more on accepting my body as it is, then that's okay, too.

It's my body, and it's my blog.  It's okay.  :-)

I love that I can inspire and help people along the way, too.  So hopefully I can continue to do so.  I look forward to this next step in my blogging adventure and hope that you all stay for the ride, wherever it may take us.

shiny new "before" picture

TREAT YO SELF CHALLENGE

 I engaged in some retail therapy recently, buying myself "a little something", per Amazon's suggestion.  I took it a step further and had it gift wrapped and wrote a cheesy note to myself.  I'm going to call this the "TREAT YO SELF CHALLENGE" and I am going to challenge all of you to do the same.

It doesn't have to be something big.  My total with gift wrapping was about $8.  And this really perked me up and made me feel special.  It's always okay to treat yourself.  And it's always okay to be silly and cheesy.  Just have fun, and be sure it's something that is special to you, something that someone else wouldn't buy you.

Honoring my eating disorder.

This is a tough subject, but an important one.

Because I want to hate my eating disorder.  I want to want to punch it in its stupid face, turn around, and never look back.

But I don't hate it.

I say that I do, sometimes.  But I don't.

It serves a purpose in my life.

It's a coping mechanism that got me through some tough times in my life, the most recently being the loss of my mom 3 years ago.

The eating disorder gave me a sense of control in a world full of chaos.  (Yes, much like makeovers did for Cher in Clueless). 

The ED put impossible to handle feelings on hold for a bit.

The ED still helps me deal with life's daily struggles.

Even though I don't hate it yet, I don't want it in my life anymore.  I am in active recovery, and plan to stay there. 

I am learning healthy coping skills, and am practicing using them every day.  Eventually my healthy self will grow stronger than my eating disorder.  For now, they are neck-in-neck.

And that's okay.  That's where I am.

I honor my ED because I grieve for it sometimes.  Sometimes I miss being "allowed" to give in whenever I wanted to, because I wasn't ready for recovery yet.  So I grieve for the sick freedom that came with being in the ED full time.

I know logically that it wasn't a true freedom, and that recovery is the key to true freedom, but since when does the ED let me think logically all of the time?  Since never...

Anyway, I'm grateful to my ED because I chose it instead of suicide many times over the last few years.  I'm aware that ED can be a slow suicide, but at least it gave me time to rethink everything and to get the help that I desperately needed.

I'm glad that I'm in recovery now, and I want to put the ED behind me, but for now I'm honoring that it's a part of my story.  I can't write a memoir without it being a prominent part yet, but I'm hopeful that one day it will just be a chapter, and maybe not even an extremely memorable one.  Who knows what lies ahead for my healthy self's life?  The possibilities are endless.

xoxoxoxo

The Bad Times...

No one wants to write about the bad times, not even me.

And I'm talking about the bad eating disorder times specifically.

Like when I have a great day but then I binge.

Or when I skip breakfast and lunch because I binged last night.

Or when the ED tells me to weigh myself and body check in order to start over with a new diet plan or eating disorder behavior.

Or when I binge nonstop for 3 days, and it takes me another week or two to get back on track with my recovery meal plan.

Or when I isolate myself because I don't want anyone to know what my ED tells me is the truth: that I'm disgusting and worthless and deserve loneliness and fat.

Yeah, I really don't like documenting the bad times.

But I feel like it's important to blog about them sometimes, otherwise this blog will turn into a place like Facebook, where I only show my favorite things, and never show my struggles.

I struggle daily with my ED.  I'm trying hard to stay in recovery-mode 24/7, but it just isn't happening.  I still am reaching for the silver medal most days, instead of the gold. 

Some days I still fantasize that I don't have an eating disorder, that I just need to re-read Intuitive Eating and grow up.

Some days I still think that all that is needed to have a good life is a thin body.

Some day I truly believe that I am a terrible, undeserving, disgusting person.

But the good part is that most days (like typically 4/7 every week), I try hard to stay on the recovery path.  And most days I love myself and my body.  And most days I know that the ED is telling me lies, not truths.

So that's something.

My new love: SWIMMING

A couple of months ago, I joined the YMCA right next to where I work.  I joined for a couple of reasons:

1. I had my meal plan down, pretty much.  I really wanted to start adding movement (my nutritionist calls it all "movement" instead of "exercise" because it seems to be a less triggering word for us with EDs) to my life again, for health.
2. I also wanted to do something that didn't hurt my leg at all.  Ever since the break, I've not been able to go back to what I used to love, which was running.  Even with physical therapy and a year of time, my leg is not the uninjured leg that it used to be.  And I heard that this gym had a great lap pool, and I figured swimming would be a great new hobby for me

And that's exactly what swimming had become for me:  a hobby.

My new motto when it comes to exercise is that if it's not a hobby, I won't be doing it.  I plan to get my ankle back in bike riding shape by September.  For me, biking and swimming are hobbies, not exercise.  And I believe that will be the key to "sticking with" something: really enjoying it.

My technique is sloppy and flawed.  I am excellent at swimming, but have no technique and am very slow.  It's a struggle to not focus on the numbers (how many laps, how long it took me to do this lap, how much time, etc.) when swimming, but when I notice my brain going there, I just focus on my breath.

It really is relaxing to me, even though it's also a killer workout.  I wear ear plugs, so I can really use the swimming time as a breathing meditation.  Breathe in, breathe out.  Really feel the water.  How does it make my body feel?  Am I still having a good time, or am I getting competitive and not having fun anymore?  Is it time to get out, or am I good to go? 

I also think it's a shame that so many of my fellow overweight/obese exercisers steer clear of swimming because it means SWIMSUIT.  I'm here to tell you that not only is it easy to forget what my body looks like because I'm so focused on how the water makes my body feel, that this low impact movement is the best thing for my knees and ankles. 

It's probably the best exercise for obese folks, but the world will never know, because we hate looking at fat people in swimsuits.  And that's just sad.  And maddening.  It's smaddening.

I will continue to be a fat swimmer, because I love swimming, and my body is obese.  And somehow, I have really gotten over how I look in my swimsuit, at least at the gym.  :-)

THIN PICTURES will not ruin me...

I am a person who checks her TimeHop app daily.  Sometimes, it's wonderful, seeing comments from Mom on old posts.  Sometimes it's way too real, with posts about when Mom was dying.  Sometimes it's a reminder that I've always been pretty clever and hilarious.  Other times it's a reminder that I've always been depressed.  It's ALWAYS a reminder that my body used to be much smaller.

Because in 2011 and 2012, I took TONS of pictures of myself, because I was thin and liked my body for the most part.  I still had complaints, and was still not "where I wanted to be" with my weight.  But I had more body confidence than I had had in years, so I jumped in the pics at family events more than ever.

I went to a fun lake day with all of my work family earlier this week, exactly 4 years after going on a fireworks date with Stacey.  So my Timehop pics on that day and the pictures taken of me that day look DRAMATICALLY different.

But I am not ashamed of my current size, nor do I believe that I am any less beautiful or worthy.  In some ways, I actually like my body more now than I did then. 

I appreciate it more, really accept that it's the only one I will ever get, and am working hard towards making peace with it. 

Does this person:

look like she's having a better time than this person? :

Nope.

Is this couple:

cuter than this couple?

Not at all.

Is this body:

more beautiful or worthy than this body?

Again, NO!

And I'm not perfect with my self love or body confidence yet.  When I first saw those thin pics of me, I felt a little crappy until I saw that I was just as happy if not happier in the present day pics. 

Recovery is really helping me to love and accept myself as I am, body and all.  I may not truly believe that my current body is fine as it is, but I do believe that I am fine as I am.  The body love will come in time.  I hope. 

 

How are you working towards body confidence this summer?

xoxoxo

Buying clothes when the ultimate goal isn't "not looking fat"

 

 

 

 

So I think that I have mostly gotten to the point of buying clothes that make me feel good, rather than "just because they fit" or "because it makes me look less fat".  Instead, I now buy clothes that make me feel good in them.

They don't make me feel good in them because they hide my "imperfections"; rather, they make me feel good for any other number of reasons.

It may be-

• the feel of the fabric against my skin
• the color
• the fit
• the style
• the pattern
• it just makes me feel good, don't know why

These are all great reasons to wear something.  Much better than my old reasons.  I now buy things that I plan to wear for a long time.  I'm not focused on "transition" weight loss clothes anymore.

I even use this logic with swimsuits, though for some reason that is harder.  I still want to cover up my fat when wearing a swimsuit!  Yikes.  But, I am pretty okay with how I look in one, and I find empowerment in sharing body confidence fashion selfies on my Instagram account (find me @BuffyFan84 - yep I'm a dork!).

It's okay to buy clothes that aren't "goal clothes" or "transition clothes".  In fact, it's so much better.  Fuck goal clothes.  Fuck transition clothes.  Fuck 'em all.  We deserve to buy clothes that celebrate our current sizes and shapes, and that make us feel good.  We deserve to shop at nice stores, and to shop based on our unique tastes and senses of fashion, rather than shopping out of necessity and based on what makes us feel the most invisible.

Just some thoughts for July.  I know that July is a hard month, body-acceptance-wise.  It's freaking HOT out there, which makes it extremely uncomfortable to wear a lot of fabric, and a lot of fabric can make us feel safe and small. 

Less fabric can make us feel unsafe and huge.  I get that.  It can really suck.

But if we all just collectively agree to start shopping not based on how thin we could look, but instead on how great we can feel, and we all started to pay attention to our own bodies and selves instead of comparing our bodies and selves to EVERYONE ELSE, things would be better.

Let's try.

Even if you start small, by spending more than usual on a nice dress or suit.  Or buying something with horizontal stripes on it, because you love horizontal stripes, dammit.  Or bright colors, because they make you happy.  Just go out and buy something that you love, something that FITS now, and then just wear it because you like it. 

It's a start.  That's where I'm at. 

xoxoxox

Being okay with the Silver medal

I had a thought recently.  It may have even been an epiphany.  I hope so, since I haven't had one of those for awhile.  I'm overdue for an epiphany.

It's about winning at recovery. 

Every day is tough during this recovery time.  Every day I have to tell myself to eat, and what to eat, and how much, and to also tell myself to not obsess about these things, but that they are super important, and that it's okay if I have a lapse, but not really because all lapses make my recovering period last longer, and I should really stick to my meal and movement plans, and take my meds, and keep my ED treatment team. (Holy run-on sentence, Batman!)

Every day is a struggle right now, and most days I just don't feel like it. 

I wake up and don't even want to do the bare minimum.  My eating disorder and my depression both tell me to stay in bed.  To stay home, call in.  To binge.  To restrict.  To weigh myself and plan for the next diet, the one that will WORK.  To distract myself from my feelings with binge-watching TV while binge-eating anything and everything.

I almost immediately make a recovery goal for  myself in the morning.  It usually goes something like this:  Today I'm going to stick to my meal plan, log my food and feelings, NOT BINGE, and love and accept my body as it is.  I sometimes also set a movement goal for the day, like swimming or going for a walk after work. 

The day goes on, and I very rarely reach all or even some of those goals.  So I feel like a failure, because I didn't earn a "gold medal" for the day.

However, I always make it to work, and I never plan for the next diet anymore, and my binges are much more rare than they used to be.

Therefore, sure, I didn't get the gold, but I sure as heck didn't let my depression or eating disorder decide the day for me.  I end up somewhere in the middle.  And that's okay.

I'm trying to learn to be happy for my silver medals.  So long as I keep reaching for the gold, but knowing that silver is still a huge accomplishment, things should continue to get better for me and my recovery.

xoxoxo

me, finally enjoying my hobby of playing the bassoon again!
Life is slowly but surely becoming more balanced and fun.

We have to stop the negative body talk!

Do you see anything other than a group of happy young women at a bowling alley?  A group of friends having a great time?  A group of beautiful, smart, capable, and friendly women? 

Notice anything about them besides their smiles, matching shirts, and perhaps that they are all white, half blonde/half brunette women?

Many of the people in this picture see none of those things.  All they see when I posted this picture online was how fat they are.

I had such a great time last night hanging out with my friends (who also happen to be my co-workers) at a charity bowling event.  We laughed, won a couple of silly trophies (best dressed team and lowest team score), ate some pizza, drank some beer, danced, had a wonderful time, and raised tons of money for a great cause.

So I fully expected to come to work today and talk about all the fun times we had! 

Instead, I hear variations of this:  "Look at my rolls!" "I need to go back to sugar free eating!" "I'm going to hit the gym now!" "Ew, look at how fat I am!" etc.

And it breaks my heart.  Because I have been working so hard to get past that mentality.

And that is just so NORMAL to do when looking at pictures of oneself, especially as a woman.  They seemed to find such commaraderie with each other today, talking about how they needed to lose weight by such and such a date, or how they hate their stomachs, or how they need to stop eating junk and to start using their gym memberships and to stop being lazy.

Sigh.

It was, honestly, tempting to join in on the body hate talk.  But I tried to refrain.  I told them that they are beautiful and that their bodies look great, and that what's important is how happy we look in the pictures. 

Here's a close up of a very happy me, showing off the "lowest score" trophy:

That's a happy lady right there.  I was totally in the moment, enjoying myself and not worried about if the picture would show a double chin or if the shirt would cling to my stomach in an unflattering way.

My eating disorder recovery isn't over, but I am glad to say that I have become a much more body positive person, and have been able to have many of these "in the moment" moments that I never thought were possible in the past. 

I ate pizza and drank beer around a lot of beautiful women, all of whom are thinner than I am (I'm not saying this in a "bad" way, just stating a fact.  I am the largest woman in my office).  And I didn't once have a self conscious, "They are probably all judging me for eating this, I shouldn't eat this" thought.  I was able to be in the moment and enjoy myself completely.

And that's amazing.

We all deserve that.

xoxoxoxo

My Recovery Meal Plan

This is the meal plan that was given to me by the nutritionist at The Renfrew Center while I was there for IOP.  She says that it's important that I stick to this for at least a year before trying to be more "intuitive" or "mindful" so I'm working hard on this every day.

No triggering comments, please.  By that, I mean, please don't comment about how much or little food it is, or how my choices could/should be healthier or lighter, or anything about weight loss or weight gain.  Only supportive comments are welcome on this post.  Other ones may get you banned.  I'm serious about this, because it's really hard for me to share this with you guys, so please be respectful of my wishes.

I'm not posting this as a DIET TIP or as THE ONLY SOLUTION FOR RECOVERY but simply to show you what's going on with me, to give you an idea of what recovery looks like for me.

Okay...  here goes.

At Renfrew, the focus is on food exchanges, not on calories or macronutrients. 

However, I tracked a few days worth of meal plans into My Fitness Pal before I deleted that app/site out of my life forever, and found that it's anywhere from 1600-2000 calories daily, and very balanced as far as macros go.  This is not a weight loss plan, but my nutritionist says that my body will eventually adjust at where it's meant to be if I stick to this plan, especially once my ED behaviors cease completely and I start incorporating regular movement/exercise into my life again.

The exchanges represent the food groups, and they are: protein, starch, fat, fruit, vegetables, dairy, and dessert.

I eat three large meals and one snack daily, along with 2-3 desserts weekly.

For me, and I'm told that there are 3 Renfrew meal plans, but mine is this:

Breakfast-  3 starches, 1 fruit, 1 fat, 1 dairy

Lunch- 2 starches, 3 proteins, 1 fruit, 1 vegetable, 2 fats, 1 dairy

 

Dinner- 2 starches, 3 proteins, 1 vegetable, 2 fats, 1 dairy

Snack- 3 mixed exchanges of my choice
Desert- 1 "normal" serving of any dessert I want to eat

Here's what makes up 1 exchange:

Starch- 1/2 c grain, 1 serving any packaged items (1 pop tart, 1 granola bar, 1 handful of potato chips, etc.); 1 slice bread; 1 small tortilla

Protein- 1 oz protein (meat, meat sub);  1 c beans = 3 proteins

Dairy- 1 c milk, 1 serving yogurt, 1/4 c cheese

Vegetable- 1 c vegetables, or one medium vegetable

Fruit- 1 c fruit, or one medium piece of fruit

Fat- 1 tsp fat (oil, butter), 1 T nuts, 1/4 avocado

I have basically started to eyeball everything but dinner's beans and grains. 

So many things that I love about eating this way... 

Probably my favorite is that I am eating all of my favorite foods all of the time, including pop tarts and pizza.  I am truly starting to learn that there are NO BAD FOODS, especially when I stick to this meal plan because it's such a good variety.

Also:  It's a LOT of food!  This satisfies me so much that I'm hardly ever hungry outside of meal times.  My binges (which are now very rare, thanks to treatment) are now completely emotional, they are never triggered by hunger.  This makes them easier to identify and usually preventable.

Things that I've learned:  I was NOT EATING ENOUGH before treatment.  My "feed bag" that I bring with me to work every day is huge now, because I have enough things in there to truly nourish my body for 2 meals and 1 snack.  (I eat my snack around 4 during the work week, to prevent the after-work-hunger binge).

Also:  I'm not lactose intolerant.  I used to be, but now my stomach seems fine, even though I'm drinking milk with breakfast and eating yogurt or cheese with the other two meals.  I think that I may still be slightly intolerant, but because I never eat JUST DAIRY, it's always with other food groups, that helps my stomach to handle it.

 I use the app Rise Up! to do food and feelings journaling throughout the day.  The app also features affirmations and coping skills activities.  I love it, and it has been an important part of my recovery.

xoxoxo

I'm still here!

I know that I originally planned to blog weekly with updates about my treatment while in IOP at The Renfrew Center.  But while I was in treatment, it just stopped feeling right to blog.

Maybe because I was getting so much emotional purging done through other formats, like journaling and therapy, and just didn't need this outlet.  Maybe it's because I felt like my treatment was sacred to me, and didn't want to share all of the details on here.  Maybe it's because I was drained, physically and emotionally during this time.  Probably some of each of these reasons.

Anyway, I have learned a lot over the past 2 months while in treatment, and I am planning to blog a lot about the lessons now that I'm out. 

Posts to look out for:

My Meal Plan- I will tell you all about the meal plan that I plan to follow for recovery purposes for at least a year.  My nutritionist says that it's important to be fairly "strict" about it for at least that long before trying to be more "intuitive" about it.

Coping Skills- all about the healthy coping skills I've learned

Sitting with the feelings- all about how to sit with difficult emotions instead of turning to an ED behavior

...and more!

I am looking forward to getting back in the swing of things with this blog and with the rest of my life.  A lot of personal developments in my life are going to be featured in this blog soon as well.  I've come to accept that life is all about change, even if change is my biggest fear.  It's okay to walk away from things that are bad for you. 

Also, I'm looking for some food journal support from you readers!  A big part of my recovery has been keeping a food and feelings journal on the Rise Up app and sending regular entries to my nutrionist at Renfrew.

I am no longer with a nutritionist because outside of Renfrew, I can't afford it.  But I would love to still have the accountability of sending regular journal entries to someone.  So, if you would like to be added to my journal email list, please email me at leahknew@gmail.com and let me know, or leave me your email address in the comments of this post (or a comment on my Facebook post about this post).

The journal entries get pretty emotional and raw sometimes, so if you like to read that kind of thing, you should sign up! 

Anyway, thanks for sticking with me.  I'm so happy that I did this for myself.  I am still with Renfrew, but as a part of their "Aftercare Program" which meets weekly, and as a member of their alumni association.

I am taking my recovery seriously.  I deserve recovery.  We all do.

xoxoxox

IOP- Week One recap

I learned a lot about why I did indeed need to seek treatment, so it has been very validating for me.  Validation is extremely important to me, so I'm glad that after a week at The Renfrew Center, I know that it's a very good thing that I am back in treatment.

Part of me was afraid that it was the wrong thing to do, that I didn't really need it, that I could get it under control on my own.

Anyway, the first thing that I learned is that my initial fears were unwarranted.  I am not the only binge eater in the program.  It's a group of women with a wide variety of EDs.   These women are all beautiful, smart, creative, and friendly.  I'd like to think that I am also all of those things.  Why do such wonderful women end up with such terrible mental illnesses?  It's a head scratcher.

I will not speak any more of the other women in the program on here, as it would be a violation of their privacy.

I'm so glad that all of them found the same help that I have found, and that together, we will work to fight these food and body demons.

The second thing that I learned is that I really need to get control of my emotions.  The first thing step is recognizing them. 

I have learned that I don't even know my own emotions most of the time.  Emotions are the root of my eating disorder.  I use food and body hate to cope with my emotions, and I don't even really know which emotions I'm feeding most of the time.  I just know that I feel uncomfortable, and that eating alleviates that, as does switching the focus to body hate, or to being excited about a new diet and/or exercise plan.

But what emotions am I avoiding?  I have started to look at this worksheet a lot to try to figure it out, and to check in with myself 3 times a day about it (roughly morning, afternoon, and night).

This is one of those silly things that I originally thought "that's dumb and childish".  But it has actually been quite eye-opening.  I had no idea how out of touch with my emotions I was.

The third biggest lesson of the week is the cycle of the ED behaviors that are use to suppress said emotions.

I shared this picture with you a couple of days ago on my Facebook page:

This shows the ED behavior cycle.  First, we ("we" here means all of us with eating disorders, who currently engage in ED behaviors, such as bingeing, binge/purging, purging, restricting, obsessing about body/diet, etc.) feel an emotion, usually a negative one (though some people are also very uncomfortable with positive emotions as well). 

Next, our discomfort rises, and we turn to an ED behavior to suppress/numb the feeling.  The feeling goes away for awhile, but ultimately comes back, or another emotion soon arises, and the cycle continues.

What we need to learn is to sit with our emotions/feelings.  The feeling will grow, and get worse, and climax.  But after that, it will actually dissipate all on its own.  Feelings are not meant to last forever.  We need to learn to sit with uncomfortable feelings, instead of turning to our ED behaviors to suppress them. 

The final HUGE lesson I took away this week is that I don't eat enough.

That may sound hilarious, because calorie-wise, I eat tons.  On a binge day, I could consume well over 5,000 calories.

But with my new recovery-focused meal plan that my nutritionist is working with me on, my meals are simply... huge.

I was actually Underfeeding myself at meals, which led to lots of snacking, and sometimes led to binges (when the binges started out as responses to actual hunger, which was often the case).

I don't count calories anymore, and I am going to make a vow to not count calories for the entire time I'm in treatment with The Renfrew Center.  My ED brain wants me to declare that I will "never count calories again!!!" because it thinks very all-or-nothing.  Though I would like to declare that, it probably isn't realistic.

The Renfrew Center nutrition meal plan is focused on exchanges rather than calories or macros.  Its aim is to make sure that we are feeding ourselves enough and a variety of foods.

I'll post about my specific plan in a future post, but for now just know that I was NOT eating enough at meals. 

For example, I am still allowed to eat Pop Tarts for breakfast, but I have to also eat some dairy and some fruit. 

This morning's breakfast felt like too much food (1 cup of oatmeal, 1 cup of milk, 1 apple, 1 granola bar, 1 tbs peanut butter - this is 3 starch-1dairy-1fat-1fruit exchanges - again, more in the next post!), but I wasn't starving by lunch.  I was appropriately hungry. 

Maybe a part of recovery is snacking less often, because meals really fill you up.  It's interesting, and definitely wasn't the approach that was taught a decade ago at Omni Behavioral Health.  Then again, ED treatment is a science, and science changes with new information.

Okay, so those are my top lessons for week 1!  As you can tell, I'm learning a lot there, and I'm mostly actually enjoying my time at The Renfrew Center.

xoxoxo

IOP - anticipation/thoughts

(written 3/22)

So, tomorrow I start actual eating disorder treatement again, for the first time in a decade.  I will be at The Renfrew Center, in what they call IOP (Intensive Outpatient) treatment.

I am taking about 4 hours off from work every week for at least 6 weeks in order to do this.  This terrifies me, as I hate asking for favors from anyone, especially the folks who hired me after all of that job searching.  I love where I work, and who I work for and with, and my job is the main reason that I think Nashville will stay my home for at least the next several years.

I have plenty of available time off to take, but it feels weird taking it in tiny chunks over two months instead of just taking a week off.  Like this way is more inconvenient for my co-workers.  And I hate being an inconvenience to anyone, except for assholes.  It's fun begin inconvenient for assholes.

Anyway,  I have the time off from work approved, and this treatment is very important to me.  So I'm doing it.

IOP meets three evenings a week.  It's a combination of group and individual therapy, mixed with nutrition therapy and I'm sure all sorts of things that I will discover as time goes on.

I am pretty sure that I will be the only binge eater there, and also pretty sure that I will be the only obese person there, but I'm trying to not care.  I'm trying to realize that binge eating disorder is a real thing, and my being there is just as valid as an anorexic or a bulimic being there.

And maybe my story will inspire the others, rather than scare them. If I could help one young woman realize that if she doesn't focus hard on recovery now, she may be where I'm at in ten years, that would be great.

More than likely, everyone there will be too busy fighting their own battles to even care about my body size or story. 

Anyway, I'm nervous about this.

It's a new beginning for me, so I'm also excited about it.

IOP will be a time of really focusing on my mental health, which is desperately needed at this point in my life.  I look forward to the healing that will happen throughout this process.

I am going to commit to giving this my all, 100% of my effort.

Even when whatever they want me to do seems silly, or repetitive, or not for me.  I will do it. 

I am not expecting miraculous results, but I am hoping, that with my commitment and time, my eating disorder's voice will quiet some over the next couple of months, and my inner strength will become loud and bright.

The unrealistic goals... and the realistic ones.

In 2005, when I was in the depths of struggling with my anorexic EDNOS, I really thought that if I could be skinny, then all of my problems would disappear and I could do anything I wanted in life.  So long as the fat wasn't holding me back, there was nothing that could stand in my way.

In 2015, currently in the depths of struggling with my binge-eating EDNOS, I really think that if could just be done with the EDNOS, there isn't anything I can't do.  If I can recover, truly recover, and learn how to keep my EDNOS under control, there is nothing that will stand in my way.

There are some definite parallels to these thought processes. 

This is something that I will address with my therapist. 

However, I do believe that my new attitude is healthier than my old one. 

It really is true that more doors will become open for me once this eating disorder is under control, or even completely behind me.

But I will still have to work hard for things that I want to accomplish.  There will be no magical happily ever after ending to this tale if/when I get a normal relationship with food. 

I will still have to take the GRE and go through the challenge that is applying for grad school.

I will still have to work hard to earn a promotion at work.

I will still have to work hard to maintain a solid relationship with Stacey.

I will still have to work hard to improve my credit score, save money, and one day buy a house and have a family.  All of these things are not guarantees just because I want them, and I have recovered from an eating disorder.

But they will be more manageable goals once I don't have the ED distracting me constantly, and once my depression and anxiety are under control with medication and therapy. 

So, in summation:

unrealistic goal:  Life will be perfect and everything will be easy once I'm recovered!

realistic goal:  First of all, there probably isn't an "I'm recovered now" moment in my future.  I will likely have to always keep my ED in check, as I will likely always have the ED, much like "once an addict, always an addict" and much like my depression and anxiety, which can be managed but are never really gone.  Secondly, life will be better, but not perfect.  Thirdly, many things will be easier, but most of the things that I want out of life will still require hard work.

xoxoxo
P.S.  I am going to do a giveaway soon!  It will likely be recovery-based, since that's where my mind is at these days.  Maybe a cool body-positive piece of artwork, or a book of your choice along with a fancy journal?  I will keep you informed.

the embarassing existence of the yo-yo

I am a yo-yo.

I would call myself a yo-yo dieter, but that's not true.  I am a yo-yo disordered eating sufferer. 

And it's embarrassing as hell.

You know that moment when you run into someone who hasn't seen you for months, or years?  How embarrassed you are if it's an ex, or someone else who you would like to see you looking your best, but they caught up with you at Target with your hair up in a greasy bun, no makeup, and with like 10 extremely noticeable zits on your chin and nose, so of course they see you and want to catch up?

Imagine if instead of the hair, makeup and zits, you had gained 30, 50, 80, or even 100 pounds.

The hair, makeup, and acne can all be fixed or covered up, and you can give a cutesy "I can't believe you caught me like this!  I'm a mess!" excuse.

The fat?  The fat that society has drilled into almost everyone's head is a character flaw, a sign of laziness, sloppiness, stupidity, and lack of self-care?  The fat that everyone knows is not something that can be covered up, but that most folks think is easy to get rid of?  The fat that labels a person as weak and less worthy?

Yeah, the fat has no cute excuse. 

It's embarrassing to fluctuate so much.  I'm sick of it.  If a weirdo genie or fairy told me that they could magically make it so that I maintained my current size of 247 lb forever, or I could keep on trying to lose weight, I would choose to maintain my current size.

I hate being a yo-yo.  My weight fluctuates at least 50 pounds every year, since I was 17 (I'm now 30) and it needs to stop.

But not now, unless that genie or fairy appears, I will be a yo-yo at least one more time.  I need to get over this binge eating disorder and make sure that it doesn't morph back into anorexia or bulimia (this is why I have an official diagnosis of EDNOS, I tend to go back and forth between all of the EDs).  And then wherever my weight ends up, once I'm truly past the ED behaviors, that's where I will stay forever, even if it's still over 200 pounds. 

My metabolism is FUCKED from all of the years of self-torture, so I doubt that I can get to and easily maintain a skinny size, and that's okay.  I just want the ED thoughts to be gone, and for my weight to stabilize.  Is that too much to ask?

 I can't wait to start seeing my new ED therapist tomorrow!

xoxo

My emotions this week in Buffy memes.